Distraction

 Distraction. I'm a pro at it. 

Is distraction a good or bad thing? What are you thoughts? Write them below! I'd love to know what other people think.

I think too much of anything isn't good...in my opinion. I'm a pro at distraction, because I don't want to feel anything. My brain gets so overwhelmed. Feelings scare me and are too much to bare that I rather just avoid everything all together. Whether it be scrolling through my phone, pulling my eyelashes and eyebrows, cleaning or doing something else. I've had a lot of feelings recently. Too much for me to handle, so I've stuffed them down. Way....WAY down. Part of me just doesn't want to deal with it because I just don't have the energy or mental capacity to figure things out or even to just to process things. I also feel that I feel too deeply. That my emotions and feelings are so strong (more than a typical person) that they scare me, because I have no idea what to do with them. Is it that, or is it because I just hold everything in for so long that it builds? That's a question to ask you therapist folks haha. I have no idea, I've had one therapist tell me it probably is that I keep it down, but it could also be the fact that I do feel extreme things, but was never allowed to "feel or show" them. Who knows?! 

A big side of being so good at distraction, you avoid things so much that they build up to a point where you don't even know what you're avoiding. You can feel it festering inside though and it causes my anxiety to spiral uncontrollably, but when I try and really think about and process why I'm feeling the way I am....my brain just shuts down. It's like, "not today my friend, lets go do something else that's more productive." Or, "you can't handle this right now, do everything else so it seems like you have your sh*t together." "If I act like I can't handle things, or seem like I'm relapsing or even just overwhelmed. I failed, and people think I'm weak or can't do anything."  -- Dang brain.

I think right now I'm trying to find a purpose, because I just don't feel like I have one. I have my purpose to keep my kids happy and healthy and love my husband, which is important. But for some reason I feel empty...not because I don't want to be a wife and a mom, but for some strange reason I just need something else. There's times where I wish I knew what I was good at. I'm 34 and I have no idea what I'm good at or why I am here. I know what I love; I love working with animals and helping them, I love acting and theater, and I love advocating and speaking about eating disorders. Am I actually good at that though? And how is it even possible to pursue those things when my husband is in the military with us moving constantly and having 2 young kids, one being special needs. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, this is just one way I get things out that I just haven't dealt with or don't want to. Most of this I think I just need radical acceptance, but MAN do I hate that. I literally cringe when I hear it or "go with the flow.' UGH NO THANK YOU! I think the most frustrating part is feeling like you have to start over whenever you move. Whether it be with therapists, doctors, finding new friends or even to do something I love. Maybe that should be my New Years resolution?😅

New Years resolutions are hard for me, because I never feel good enough to do them or that I can't do it right. Makes sense right? I know I need to do something for myself this year, but I'm scared of starting new things, because its probably just not going to work out. I will either fail or have to quit it because we have to move, or money constraints or it won't be perfect or something else, and that hurts me deeply. You can kinda see my perfectionist side here too haha. Huge reason why I stink at updating my blog because I always get in my head of "people don't really care or want to read that." Things need to change though, I need to change.

The others I have come up with are to be more open, mainly to N...about what I need, what I feel and how things make me feel. Also to be more assertive to things that I would like rather then just do whatever.

Anyone have any New Year Resolutions? Obviously this blog will be one again...but we shall see haha!😂

<3 M