It's been awhile...

Well y’all, it’s been awhile! Our computer broke while N was deployed and we finally fixed it! I’m usually really bad about updating anyways haha!

A LOT has happened! N came home from deployment! Yay! And little E has her daddy back, and more importantly I’m not a single parent anymore, whhaaatt?!? Haha, just kidding. He still works crazy hours. She’s usually asleep by the time he gets home, which I know must be hard. The readjustment phase is no joke, but having him home is so amazing. Also, my awesome friend and neighbor took pictures of our homecoming!

Not so patiently waiting for N!

Back together as a family! <3 We’re cheesin’ hardcore

NEXT, little E had her 1st birthday! Technically before N got home, but we had a big party for her and N after he got home. Pictures below, including her on her real birthday <3 Also, she’s scooting everywhere now! Yay and boo haha

Tasting the cake

We got a little overwhelmed and tired haha

Can she get any cuter!?

Well, after that, I ran and coordinated my and Augusta’s FIRST NEDA Walk! Oh em gee! Y’all, it was hard. I still haven’t touched the stuff we unloaded in the garage the day of the walk haha. I should probably do that so my husband doesn’t loose his mind because his garage is dirty -_-  I’ve pretty much given myself a hard time over this walk, I picked out all the things that went wrong and what I could have done better and what more could have been done. In all honesty though, it was a great event and I did what I could! We raised $4,480 total!
                     

My sexy husband spoke too 😉

Friends are what made this possible!

After all of this, we are now in the holiday season. My shopping is pretty much complete and little E is very interested in what’s under the tree. Which is good and bad because I have to keep telling her not yet haha. Besides that, recovery is hard. Very hard. I can feel that I am so close to giving up ED, but I’m still holding on to him for dear life. I know logically that he isn’t good for me, but I just can’t seem to let him go. I want him here to comfort me, he’s my safety blanket. Even though he’s not safe, he tries to keep telling me he is. I have been overboard anxious, with obviously what went on the past few months, but now because I’m so close to saying I’m “Recovered.” (As the amazing Jenni Schaefer states) It’s exciting and extremely scary at the same time. The knowing I’m close, but being scared is constantly on my mind since I keep arguing with myself. It’s tiring and include having a toddler, 4 animals and a house to take care of. Taking care of myself has been pushed to the back burner, but I really need to sit down everyday and process and write out everything like I used to. I need to practice self care and relaxation. Where’s my coloring book??  Can I have more Gabapentin (Sp?) please?? Haha just kidding. For real though, I’m trying hard not to rely on my medication at least for anxiety, but I’m realizing I can’t be hard on myself for taking medication either. I need it, my brain needs it and that’s okay.

Army life is still crazy, not knowing where we’re going or doing next is pretty difficult. Should I keep decorating the house or wait until the next house? What is the new house going to look like? I need to plan to make it a home! I feel like this is another blog, so I’m keeping this short 😉

That’s all I got for right now. I’m starting to overanalyze everything, so I’m stopping haha!

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and Happy New year if I don’t post again before then!

<3 M

Thought and Word Explosion

Last month was PTSD awareness month. With all the craziness of single parenthood including the fur babies, I hadn’t had time to really post about this. PTSD awareness is very near and dear to my heart. One being because my husband is in the military and it breaks my heart that so many service members do struggle with this and try and keep it a secret. The next being, I myself have experienced it and was diagnosed with it. When I was first told I had PTSD, I laughed and said I was never in combat. I was never in a war, I never experienced anything that would cause me to have it. I was wrong because the only thing I ever learned growing up about PTSD was that it was from veterans. Which it is and definitely needs to be talked about!

My PTSD was from a continuous rape. I had no idea I was because the person always said I asked for it or some how blamed it on me and I, of course believed him. Everything is always my fault, right?? 😉 (Not the case though! I’m learning at least.) Then because of what happened, I thought I had to be with that person forever. I had no idea you could get PTSD from something like that, but it does make sense. It took me awhile to believe my treatment team, since I blamed myself for nearly 10 years. It wasn’t my fault though, and I learned that. There are times I still question when things get overwhelming, but when I calm my anxiety and take a step back, it was never my fault. Someone who was sick made me believe it was, and I can’t let them do that to me any more.

PTSD can come from anything traumatic, which is what I learned. Your brain does amazing things to protect itself. Not always the best, but it does what it knows to keep you safe. There’s a lot I want to type about what I went through, but I’m not quite ready to share it. I’ve been thinking of a book, maybe?! Who knows! Just know that doing trauma work in therapy is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I had to relive some of the worst times of my life over and over again. I had to remember things I buried so deep down that I blocked them until we started talking and working through things. Having that memory, and feelings, including physical, being relived is a nightmare. I can’t even imagine others who have gone through something worse than me and having to do the same thing. It breaks my heart, but I can also tell them that it really does work. You just have to be patient. You’ll stop having the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the anxiety around things that may trigger you.

I can still feel him touching me, I can feel myself getting physically sick because I have no idea what to do and I’m just so scared that I can’t move. My brain goes dead, is what it feels like. It really messed me up, and sadly still affects me to some extent today, but I know that one day I will look back and know that I have overcome this obsticle. I am very lucky to have married the man that I did, and to have met the treatment team that I have now. I would not be able to say I worked through it without them. They’ve helped me uncover so many things about myself that I never would have if I didn’t meet them. God placed every single one who has helped me along this rough path of finding myself, and I couldn’t be happier.

I’ve been in a weird mood recently. I was going to type this in a later blog, but who knows when that will be…(thanks Emma haha). I’ve realized that I’m at a point in recovery and just life in general where I’m really starting to figure out who I am. It’s freaking me out. What if no one likes who I really am/who I want to be. I’ve always been the dork, loser or weird girl growing up. I still remember being made fun of in middle school and high school.  I was weird, I get it, and I’m okay with that now! I still am weird, I love Harry Potter. I love animals a little too much, I love storms, I love things people don’t usually like. I AM okay with that though! It’s a weird concept for me to grasp. I have never been as confident or “self loving” as I am today. Though, I still have a LONG way to go, I am realizing that I need to be okay with who I am. I need to take care of myself, I need to do the things I love to make myself happy. I was always told that you need to take care of yourself before you take care of others, I always thought that would be selfish on my part. I helped take care of people all the time, but honestly I’m starting to understand and believe that saying. I vowed to myself when N deployed that I would really focus and work on myself. I would really work hard on fixing myself so that nothing gets transferred to our daughter. I wanted to be a better wife when he got home, I wanted to be a better mother, and I wanted to be a better person in general. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs, mainly downs ;), and I feel like I’ve been selfish because I’ve been isolating a lot. Though that’s not always good, I think it’s helped me. I’m an introvert, like woah. I’m also learning I’m an introvert because I’m scared of what people think of me. I’m pushing myself to do things that are uncomfortable for me and it’s extremely hard and has been causing me to have panic attacks, but I’ve never learned more about myself. DANG, my doctor was right haha. I still fight him, and myself on things I do NEED to do, but every step is getting me to where I want to be. I’ve never felt like this before, and it honestly is freaking me out. I go back and forth a lot, it’s a constant and tiring roller coaster, but I learned this week that it’s only because I have thought one way for so long. Starting something new after doing it one way your whole life is going to take awhile. I need to be patient with myself, just like everyone needs to be patient with themselves. Famous words from my doctor that I will always remember, “You need to be uncomfortable to BE comfortable.” I never really truly understood that phrase until recently. Thank you again for helping me.

I’ve always said this to myself, but believing it is completely different. Do what you love, do what makes you happy. Take care of yourself, push yourself to be better and absolutely always believe in yourself. I feel like things are changing for me, and though its scary, it’s making me excited to see where I’m headed and who I will actually become. Like me or not? I don’t care 🙂

<3

M

Again, for those who just started reading. I don’t go back and reread what I typed. I just let it flow and post it. If it doesn’t make sense, so be it 😀

Mom Guilt

We all have it…moms that is. Why should we though? I struggle every week in therapy with a ton of things, but one that keeps showing up is mom guilt.  Dun dun duuunnnn.

Perfect example was this past Wednesday. I got my third….yes THIRD…stomach bug of the year. Had to be when N was gone, am I right? -_- Luckily I was physically able to still semi take care of little E, but I had to make a nest on the couch for myself and I propped her in her little seat I got at Walmart and let her watch TV all day while I laid on the couch dying and trying not to throw up everywhere. Thursday was very close to the same thing, but I did have some energy to sit up with her while she played. I felt like SUCH a bad mom! I’ve already been struggling letting her watch cartoons in the morning for 5-10 minutes while I eat my breakfast. People tell me its okay, N is gone and I need to do things so you can eat. I mean I do let her play on her mat first, but she’s been getting super tired of that quickly so I switch at the end to the amazing show E loves called “Super Why”. It gives me a little bit to actually finish what I made to eat, but that still doesn’t help me not feel so guilty. For real though, why should I feel guilty over something that I couldn’t control? I would have gotten sick all over her if I sat up. I tried getting a sitter, but that didn’t work. I also didn’t want to ask for help because I knew this thing was so contagious and the people I knew who would help had little ones just like me. I’m not getting their children sick.

Do you know how many articles and Facebook posts and comments I have read that “mom shame”?? It’s insane and I always told myself I’m going to do what’s best for our family and that I wouldn’t take anyone so seriously, sadly that doesn’t make the comments that I had already read — or told– leave my mind. The worst was breastfeeding. There are still times I blame myself for little E’s development because I couldn’t give her enough breastmilk. I tried it, was able to give her some the first few weeks of life, but my body just hit a point and then regressed. I fed her and pumped. I tried teas and cookies, medicines and herbs and everything you can think of and nothing. I finally was so tired of only pumping an ounce at a time (which took me 45 minutes to get) after the 45 minutes I fed little E. Then I got to do it again 30-45 minutes later! I blamed myself so much. I had a very great doctor, who N and I admire and is dear to our family so much, tell me that if I couldn’t breastfeed to not blame myself. That E will be okay on formula and do just as well. I keep telling myself what he said to me, but there’s always that doubt in my mind that I get when she isn’t progressing like she should. Is it my fault she’s no where near crawling? Is it my fault she just started being able to sit up by herself? I mean, I did try and eat the same amount as my nutritionist told me after I had her, but I struggled. Just as I struggled in pregnancy. I ate the right foods, I even ate foods I told myself I’d never eat again and it did nothing. I couldn’t provide for my daughter the way I “should” have been able to and it killed me inside. Hell, it still kills me. **Not gonna lie, with N being gone I probably wouldn’t have survived breastfeeding too haha!** I know though, that I did try. I did everything I could in my power and it just didn’t happen. AND THAT’S OKAY! Did I just say (type) that out loud? You bet I did. Do I believe it? Not all the time, but sometimes and that’s better then where I was at a few months ago.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I pull out E’s bottle of formula when we’re out still get to me, and I feel like I have to justify myself and explain everything. I don’t though, NO ONE DOES. It’s not hurting E and I’m giving her the food she needs that my body, for whatever reason couldn’t provide. She’s had formula since day 3 of her birth, She didn’t want to eat the first few days haha, to supplement and she’s been doing so well since.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I pull out pre made baby food, because I literally don’t have time to cook and make food for E since I’m taking care of a household that include 4 pets that need one on one attention right now. I don’t even have time to cook myself a real meal. The most I get at night is left overs I had from going out at lunch or a bagel or I just heated up some pasta. I always plan to make crock pot stuff, but I get so busy that I forget to start it until about 3 whenever E is asleep for her nap haha #momlife, Yes, I plan on making E’s food when N gets home when I have the time and energy to. Right now this is the best I can do and if you’re not okay with that, then go away. No one wants a hater. Even if I didn’t plan to, still…go away.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I give E a pacifier. Girl look, she honestly never asks for a paci. We use it when she goes to sleep and when we go out because she has some lungs on her. Even if she did ask, I would give it to her. She’s not obsessed or attached. Its not hurting her right now, and it helps keep me sane when we’re out doing errands and I’m trying to focus on checking out or at a doctors appointment.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I tell people we didn’t co sleep. No I did not want my daughter in the same bed as my husband and me. Mainly because he was leaving and we needed that time for just the two of us. Second, even if he wasn’t leaving I felt it necessary to keep the bed to just us two and I wouldn’t have been able to sleep if she was in bed with fear of killing her. We did have her in a bassinet right next to our bed which was wonderful. There are times I do want her in bed with me right now, because I want to snuggle or I’m really missing N, but I know that isn’t something I want her getting used to. It’s my personal choice and I’m okay with that.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I say my daughter is at Mother’s Day Out. Yes, I take my daughter twice a week for 4 hours each time for someone to watch her. I have doctor appointments that makes it very difficult to have her at. Even if I didn’t have appointments AND if my husband wasn’t away for so long, it’s okay for me to do that. She needs the development skills it comes with and she needs to learn she’ll be okay without me for a bit. It breaks my heart every time I drop her off, but ever since she’s started, she’s progressed even more in therapy. That’s a plus in my book, that and I get a few hours to myself kinda haha.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I tell people that I let my dogs and cats around E. That I actually let the dogs lick her *gasp!* They’re part of our family and always will be. E loves with the dogs kiss her. Don’t like it, don’t care. Have a good day.

I could go on and on, but it’s close to my bedtime. This momma needs sleep.

The point of this post was to vent of course, but also to know that if you’re struggling with mom guilt, that you aren’t the only one. I promise you! What you do with your child is your business. Unless it’s hurting them mentally or physically then you need to do what’s best for you and your family. Might that be a few minutes of tv a day to having the cursed thing called formula. We’re all trying to learn to be the best parents for our children. Pray and take it one day at a time. I’m here for you if you need to talk! I’ll just stare and make ugly faces though haha just kidding.

<3 M

My First Mother's Day

My “first” — I say first because when I found out I was pregnant I already called myself a mom– Mother’s Day was spent in a place no mother should.

I have a very best friend, Melissa, who was actually the first person I befriended here in Georgia. She has turned out to be one of my closest friends and there’s not a lot I won’t share with her (thank you for that haha). She just had to go through what no mother should, her son was declared brain dead this morning. She had been at the hospital with her son since Thursday.  Her son had surgery on Monday and things started getting bad the day after. I first of all, want to tell you how wonderful this woman and her son is. I look up to her so much and I don’t even think she knows it. She is by far one of the most strongest people I know and the first person I go to for advice when I need it and I always cherish her advice. She’s helped me through the darkest years I’ve ever had, and I’ve become a better person because of her. I never really got to meet her son, but through what Melissa has told me I should have.

All of this time while watching her at the hosptial, I’ve been admiring her for how strong she is. It got me thinking if I could ever go through anything like this and survive. I kept holding little E closer and closer as each day passed and her son was still in the ICU, and it got me thinking…

What does being a mother mean to me?

First of all, it means the world to me to have a child, let alone the sweet little girl that we were blessed with. Being a mom is having Emma when I least expected it, 7 weeks early, after being in the hospital for 6 days. I will never let her live that down, I was on magnesium sulfate 3 different times, but that didn’t stop her haha.

Being a mom means your whole world turned upside down the day she was born. She wasn’t breathing when she came out and I never knew that I could be so afraid of something. It wasn’t just N and I anymore, we had this precious new life that we had to take care of.

Being a mom means waking up every hour to check on your new born to make sure she’s breathing. It’s getting up whenever she starts to cry because you need to feed her. It’s getting up even when you know she’s not hungry, but maybe scared or just needs to know that you’re there. It means you are her safe place, and that means more to me than I could have ever imagined.

Being a mom means I get frustrated. There’s times where I’m frustrated because I don’t know why she’s crying and times where I just want to scream. I don’t though, because she’s just trying to tell me something. (I may have screamed on a couple of occasions…just not with her in the room haha)

Being a mom means it takes FOREVER to get anywhere. I used to be the person who was 30 minutes early overtime, not anymore. Yes, that bugs me haha but I need to cherish her being this small. It won’t last for long

Being a mom means I need to take care of myself so that she grows up knowing to love and respect her body and have a healthy relationship with food.

Being a mom means teaching her how to act appropriately. She needs to be proud of who she is, but also be humble.

Being a mom means teaching her the respect she deserves from everyone. Especially men. —- Sorry N, it’s gonna happen at some point haha

Being a mom means putting her in the crib just to take a fast shower and cry and cry so you can get it out before having to go out to do our daily routines.

Being a mom means I get to have fun and dress her in cute outfits while I get to wear yoga pants, a t-shirt and my hair up. I’m okay with that!

Being a mom means I need to teach her about God and how He comes before everything in her life.

Being a mom means sometimes being so uncomfortable so that your child can sleep peacefully on you. Not going to the bathroom, your butt getting bruised, or your back is just hurting like heck.

Being a mom means when you hear something is wrong with your daughter your heart stops for a minute and you get sick to your stomach, but holding it together so you can figure out what you need to do to make her better.

Being a mom has been such a blessing, especially since we were told it probably wouldn’t happen.

Being a mom means doing anything and everything to protect your children

And lastly,

Being a mom means loving your children with all of your being.

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone,

<3 M

Because you don't know me well enough ;)

4 months. It’s been 4 months since N left and I still feel like I’m trying to keep my head above water! I mean I felt that when he was here too….but what did I know back then haha.

Well, I’ve been stuck writing a blog for awhile and its getting frustrating. I start something and then I think it’s stupid so I try a different topic, and that sounds stupid… it keeps going. I wrote a partial blog on my anxiety lately, but I wanted to post something more fun. Remember those myspace (yeah, I went there) and Facebook surveys? I thought I’d do one so y’all can know me a bit more 🙂

If you could get rid of all your clothes and get all new ones, would you?

Yes! I’m in the process of updating my wardrobe. 

What is my dream you say? Go on a shopping spree with no money limit. I can wish right??

If you could take a 3-day vacation to anywhere in your state, where would go?

I guess I don’t really know a place to go here. I would like to go back to where N and I had a Valentine’s Day getaway since I was pregnant and sick the whole time haha. We could actually go hiking and stuff.

If you could take a week long vacation to another state, where would you go?

First thought was back to Florida in Orlando, but then I remembered how tired I am. I don’t care as long as there’s a beach out the back porch, my hubby by my side and a margarita in my hand, with little E not crying once. *sigh*

If you could visit any country for a week, where would you go?

Ugh, I want to go to so many places! I would probably choose Europe since there is a lot more there that I want to visit.

Do you have any clothing that you’ve had for ten years or more?

I do, I do!

Do you have a hard time letting go of things?

I have a small tendency for that lol

Do you wish you had a mentor?

I technically do?

Does your life make sense?

Haha, you’re so funny. It does and doesn’t. Military life doesn’t make sense in general haha.

If you could dye your hair any color for just one day, which color would you dye it?

I have actually never wanted to dye my hair a crazy color. I did see someone who had gotten her hair done with purple and pink and white mixture I think, it was actually really pretty and I’d try it for a day.

If you HAD to get a tattoo and had five seconds to decide what to get, what would you get?

My three legged cat, Easel’s paw print

Do you want to start over? (with life)

There are things that I wish didn’t happen in my life obviously, but I can honestly say I wouldn’t want to. I’ve grown so much and wouldn’t have been able to do that without everything. Plus, I have a pretty sexy hubby and cute baby 😉

Coffee or tea?

Tea!! I’m an Irish girl

What theme would you choose to decorate your dream house?

Pinterest has made it very hard to answer this question, it changes!

Have you ever shopped at Buckle?

Nope! I’m cheap haha

List ten of your favorite stores.

Target, TJ Maxx, Marshalls, HomeGoods, PetSmart, Old Navy, Bath and Body Works, Hobby Lobby, Michaels, and did I say Target??

List five things you would like to do this week.

What I WOULD like is to get my nails done and my hair cut, but alas having a last minute root canal has changed that for me haha. Chores though, I have a million.

Who do you feel the best around?

Hands down, my husband. He annoys me sometimes though haha

What is one thing you can’t live without?

There are obvious answers like my husband and daughter, they’re not “things” but besides that I will always have to have an animal. I could never live somewhere and not have one. Animals aren’t things either by the way haha, but it was the best answer I could give!

Hope y’all enjoyed that! I’m working on another blog, hopefully this will help my writers block!

-M

I have super powers??

“I have super powers?”I ran across this the other day:) 

I laughed SO hard! I loved it!

Then it actually got me thinking. I actually did think (and still do sometimes) that my eating disorder and everything that goes along with it was a super power. When people asked me how I could go so long without eating, I felt powerful and strong. The one thing I had control over, even though that was a subconscious thought. I still have trouble eating, but I’m doing much better than I was. Though, continuously getting stomach bugs isn’t helping -_-. In a way, I guess the other ways I deal with things I view as a super power too. Y’all, I’m a pro at avoiding feeling emotions, dealing with conflicts and probably a bunch of other stuff that I’m actually avoiding thinking about right now haha. Is this going to help me get better though?? Not at all.

This was perfect for me to come across, as my appointment this week, my doctor (the awesome man that he is) finally made me realize that I am STILL avoiding allowing myself to feel the pain, hurt, sadness, fear, loneliness and whatever else I’m feeling that I haven’t figured out yet about N leaving and a bunch of other things that are too much to talk about right now. Yes, I married a soldier and yes, I know what I was “asking” for even though I hate when people say that. Though I don’t necessarily think it is a “super power,” I think a small part of me does in a way because it’s a way to protect myself from something that just hurts too much. I hate feeling pain, both physical and emotional, but honestly if I could pick I would rather pick the physical, which explains why I used to cut myself. I’m about to get real “kumbaya” on y’all for a minute. We need to let ourselves feel, you will literally go crazy and it will come out in other ways without you meaning for it to. It isn’t healthy to keep it stuffed down in your pretty little latched box. Love yourself, be kind to yourself, forgive yourself and take care of yourself. Part of that is allowing yourself to feel things to be able to move past them.

I’ve been stuck for a long time now about allowing myself to feel certain things we’re working on. I honestly do try because I’m realizing it truly does help, but there is like a wall blocking me from allowing myself to feel it. I think I’m so used to blocking out all the emotions that I’m not really quite sure HOW to let myself feel everything. There’s times where it obviously comes out, aka the legit panic attacks I had not too long ago. Since I’ve had them, I’ve been working so tirelessly allowing myself to feel so it doesn’t happen again, but I fail every time because it’s like my brain doesn’t want me to think about it.

This isn’t a super power guys, this is hell. I’m in my brain all day continuously fighting myself or over-analyzing something or even just obsessing over certain thoughts and then trying to just distract myself so I don’t have to deal with the uncomfortableness.   When I let myself feel in my doctor’s office, I feel like same thing as I felt when I cut myself or when I purged after eating. That numb and tired feeling you get. Most of you have no idea what I’m talking about, but it’s real. So, I KNOW that allowing myself to feel emotions works and is so healthy, then why can’t I just allow myself to do it? Good question……I’ll get back to you on that haha.

Among other news, I don’t think my house will ever be clean again haha. Single parenting is the pitts.

-M