Perfectionism. I've been thinking about writing about this for awhile, no idea what I'm going to say but here we go. Perfectionism is exhausting and downright not even close to possible. So why do I strive to do it everyday? That's one thing my doctor and I are venturing on right now. I've been told, literally, by everyone that being perfect is not realistic and no one in the world is perfect. Yet I still seek it. It's annoying and doesn't even make sense as I type it out. Yet, there's this part of me that wants to obtain it, that I'm a complete failure if I mess up and I'm not worthy of anything if I do. I mess up dinner, so I'm not being worthy of my husband's love. I mess up something small at work so I deserved to be fired. I mess up my meal plan and recovery and I cry and don't deserve to be happy. I miss one hang out with a friend and I don't deserve any friendships. I "mess up" and gain weight, I don't deserve to eat for a week. I put " " around mess up because thats what ED is telling me. Not what is actually true. I guess ED can be part of this perfectionism because technically it is, but I'm calling this voice Ms. Perfectionist. Thanks to Jenni Schaefer and how she worded it in her book "Life Without Ed" or something close to it at least. In reality perfectionism isn't obtainable. Everyone is going to make mistakes, thats how God made us. Ms Perfectionist gets into everything in your life, just like ED. She has a say in every ounce of your day. Every move you make she's there critiquing you, telling you what's right or wrong and how bad of a person you are if something doesn't go right. I am so blessed to have the people I do in my life right now because I don't have to be perfect and they're ok with it. It helps tremendously to lower the Ms Perfectionist voice. Even work...I started a new job at a dog daycare/boarding place and it is AMAZING! My boss is so great as well as all of my co workers and I love what I do. I was so stressed out when I first started because I felt like I had to be perfect. I only felt that because it's the rule I made up in my head and I HAD to follow it. Of course I messed up, but both my managers have been so understanding and patient and even have been helping with this nagging voice. It gives me so much anxiety to even think I can't be perfect. So in a weird way, striving can help lower my anxiety which is was ED is all about as well. My mind will literally do anything to lower the amount of anxiety I have. Which is a lot haha. It lowers and raises my anxiety. It lowers it because I'm striving for something that I *think* I can obtain, but when I mess up it raises my anxiety. My doctor says that once I remove the rule that I have to be perfect, I will live a happier life and things will get so much easier in recovery. Is he right? Can I believe him? He hasn't steered me wrong at all before so I need to trust him, but how can I change a rule that I have had in my head my entire life? Little by little....step by step it will get easier. Each day I have to CHOSE to NOT be perfect. I have to CHOSE to not listen to the Ms Perfectionist voice in my head and all the rules she makes in my life. I have to chose and make my own rules, which is way harder than it seems. Its completely possible though and I need to trust my support system as I try and start changing the rules in my life. With a big one being, "Be the best you can be, but don't strive to be perfect. You'll be shooting for something that just goes into nothingness. Be here in the present moment, strive to what makes you happy, not just for something that makes you less anxious." First step, not going back and fixing any mistakes or rewriting what I wrote to make sense.
Hope you enjoyed this mumble jumble!
M <3
