There's been something on my mind lately, actually everyday lol but something I decided I should write about. The scale. The most dangerous weapon in my fight against ED.
Its something I feel attached to, chained to, glued to. And I hate it, but for the life of me can't seem to walk away from one before I hurry and weigh myself before someone sees. I don't have a scale at home, I'm not allowed to per my doctor and my husband. In reality I know its a good thing, because I used to weight myself over 20 times a day, but if I could have one I would. Scales are everywhere, I get weighed at my doctor's appointments, I go to the pool or gym and there's a scale, I walk by them in Walmart or Target and try one to see if they work. I go to a friends house or a family members house and right there on the floor is a bathroom scale. It haunts me. Why when that stupid number shows up, it makes me sick? I want it to be lower, I want to "just lose 5 more pounds" and then keep going. I KNOW I will never be happy with what comes up, but I can't help but want to know what that mysterious number is. Its like I need to know or I'll go crazy. What if I've gained? Maybe I lost and I'll be happy for just a second, but then start planning to lose even more. I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I feel stuck. That annoying number is blocking me from being able to continue some pretty serious work with my doctor. It's blocking me from being able to go out to eat with friends (yes, we have friends here now. YAY), from being able to go on a frozen yogurt date with my husband. Its stopping me from being able to live the life that I want, and not what ED dictates to me. It hurts thinking that so many people have the same issue as me. So if you're going through the same thing, (even if you aren't!) I'm going to make a promise. One day I will take my scale (or one that I had just bought lol) and smash and beat the crap out of it and I will not allow myself to own another one ever again. I will break the chain that binds me and keeps holding me back. One day I will be able to do that, but I have to be ok with where I am now, and keep pushing myself forward no matter how hard it is to.
St. Dymphna, pray for us!
