It is now July. Happy almost Independence Day!
What have I been up to you may ask? I've been consistently busy! Doctor appointments, baby stuff, keeping up with the house, keeping up with the animals and FRG stuff are all just part of what I do on a daily basis. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrible at keeping up with the house lately. Sometimes days go by with clean laundry on the couch that I need to put up, or I go 3-4 days without sweeping our brand new hard floors. "But you have 4 animals!" Trust me, I know its gross. Honestly, I'm trying to enjoy my time alone while I have it and give myself rest that I desperately need.
Being pregnant is hard, y'all. I'm always so so tired and I'm starting to get pretty uncomfortable. Yay right? Top it off with constantly crying on a daily basis when you look in the mirror when you're alone and hating yourself everyday because you're getting fatter (that was ED, lets go with bigger). Its taken such an emotional toll on me because it's literally my worst nightmare and fear coming true. Now, before y'all say...."but you're pregnant" or "All you're doing is feeding baby" or "You should be happy you got pregnant," I know all of this. I KNOW I'm pregnant because I can feel our little lady kicking inside me everyday. You think that it would make it easier, but it doesn't. I love and am absolutely blessed and happy that I'm pregnant. N and I are having a sweet baby girl. I couldn't be more proud than to be a wife AND mother. Then why do I still get upset? It's because for some reason, when I look at or feel myself I just see fat and the reality of my stomach getting bigger when for YEARS I have done everything to keep myself as skinny as possible. It just doesn't connect that it's baby. Logically I know it is our sweet little girl, but then ED pretty much blurs the rest and makes me so anxious that I can't connect the two. I can in a way, but its very difficult to get there and usually doesn't last long. I haven't given up trying though, which is probably why I'm so tired. I feel like I'm back at square one with my mental state/recovery, so I'm constantly fighting every minute of everyday. I have stopped allowing myself to eat my "bad" foods, but will try some every once in awhile. Which is huge! Just not where I was earlier in pregnancy. I'm keeping up with my food intake though, and our little is doing well, which helps momma through all this mess and confusion.
Vent time:
Y'all, I've have such a great experience...for the most part...with Army doctors. I have a wonderful physician who's helped me more than I could have ever hoped. I've met an army psychiatrist who got me in touch with the best team of doctors I could have ever hoped for in this long difficult journey of recovery. But seriously, what in the world is wrong with the OBs?! I'm considered high risk for obvious reasons, so I am seen on the "10th floor" instead of Family Medicine. Why don't they all go see actual OBs you ask? I have no freaking clue. Anyways, every experience I've had with an OB except ONE appointment has been terrible and I've left in tears. Now I completely understand that they don't have any/much knowledge on eating disorders or how they work and what not to say. Come on though, telling me "You don't look pregnant, just a little fat" is ridiculous and should never be told to ANYONE no matter the mental state. They have clearly told me (okay, one nurse has) that they have no idea how to handle my case. After that, you would think one would be referred off post to someone who is better applicable, but no. They don't. To top it off, I have no idea who will be delivering our baby. And if its one particular doctor that I will not name, I will go insane. I will do everything I can to kick him out of my room. That is how terrible this doctor is. I could go on and on, but I'll just leave it at this before certain words come out of my mouth haha.
Near death experience:
As I was driving to Mass in Aiken for their first Friday Latin Mass, I stopped somewhere in SC to get something to eat because I wasn't able to eat lunch before I had to leave. After I got some food, I proceeded to merge on the highway...or tried to. There was a space between a car and an 18-wheeler, so I put on my turn signal to get over because the road was starting to run out. Turns out the semi truck didn't want me to go in front of him....even though there was no other option than to completely stop on the merge lane to let him pass and have a car hit me from behind and possibly cause multiple accidents. He started to speed up, but I had no more road so I had to get over. I then got in his lane, he decided to blow his horn non stop and tail the crap out of me, then proceeded to get into the next lane and try and push me off the road. Now, I don't know if he was trying to push me off or just scare the crap out of me...but he was halfway in my lane multiple times blowing his horn. I was forced out of the road to the point where just my left front and rear tire were in the actual lane. I tried to slow down so he could pass, and to get his license plate number (muhahaha) but he kept matching my speed to keep me next to him. I was luckily able to speed up and get out of there though. All while he was blowing his horn. Good day to you Mr truck driver. Hope to never have to go through that again.
Besides all this, we are slowly getting baby's room together which is making things feel so real! I'm so blessed to have so many people already hand make gifts for her. She is going to be so spoiled.
Our next adventure is Oregon. N is leaving this week and I will be following a week after. I couldn't leave my fur babies for 2 whole weeks. Also no doctor appointments in 3 weeks would be rough haha. This is N's longest leave he's taken since before we moved here. He's pretty happy and I'm excited to spend some quality time with him and his family :)
-M
