Well y'all. N and I are expecting a baby in October! I truly never thought I'd say I'd be pregnant after everything I've done to my body over the years with my eating disorder, but we were blessed with the news of a little one in February.
On February 9, right after my weekly therapy appointment I was driving home and had the sudden urge to take a pregnancy test. No idea why, it just came in my head. I had one at home so I did it for giggles. Well, turned out to be positive. I was shocked but my heart was SO overjoyed! I didn't believe it at first so I texted a couple of friends and asked them if what I was seeing was real and I was told to go out to get a digital test. So I did, turned out to be positive too! Then I took another one the next morning to be sure and it said I was pregnant! I called my doctor on Wednesday after the 3rd test and got an appointment for later that day for a test at the hospital. The urine test they did came back negative. I almost broke down, but my doctor came in and said he was doing a blood test as well so to just go home and relax until I heard from him. About an hour after I left the hospital he called and sounded so sad and my heart started to break again, and then said "Well, I don't know why the urine test came back negative, because you're definitely pregnant!" I literally screamed "WHAT?!" into the phone in his ear. It was great haha he laughed. I was so overjoyed and was so excited to tell N that we were for sure pregnant!
Then things changed, we had talked for a minute after he gave me the news, and I guess he could hear the strain in my voice when it finally hit me that I had to do what has terrified me since I was 9. Gain a significant amount of weight after my "healthy weight." He calmed me down some, and really said some thoughtful and very meaningful words. One being, "I know you're going to be such a great mom even though you might not see it right now." Its a fear, that I have only told N, a select few friends and my doctors about. I am so scared I'll screw up my child. I'm so scared he/she will inherit my eating disorder, my insecurities, my anxiety and depression. I know for a fact though that I will do everything in my power to not let that happen, and that I've learned so much to know how to help if something does happen, but it still scares me. Because you know, anxiety :P.
It also hit me that I'll be a single parent for 9 months soon after our little joy is here. I have absolutely no idea how to be a mom. Let alone, how to be a supportive wife during deployment, dealing with my fears and anxieties while staying healthy and keeping a brave face for everyone, being an FRG leader and knowing NOTHING how to do it during a deployment and being strong for those spouses when in fact I'm terrified as well. This will be our first deployment since we've been married. I've been through a couple, one with an ex and one with N when we were just dating. Both were extremely difficult, but I didn't have to live with them when they got back. I was able to get back in the flow of things whenever they were home slowly, but now I'm married and this time it won't happen slowly haha. I have to learn to live by myself, learn to raise a child by myself, learn to teach our little one about how brave and wonderful their daddy is, learn to deal with the house by myself, and learn how to deal with my continuing nightmares without N waking me up in the middle of the night to stop them. I'm sure I will get everything down, but then N will be home and then things will change again and then I'll have to relearn everything! Have I ever mentioned I hate change?? Cause I do! Change is good though, especially the coming home part :). I'm just overwhelmed by becoming a mother, seeing and feeling my body change drastically, and then having to say goodbye or "see you later" to my best friend.
I know its selfish not wanting to gain the weight that I have to, but I also know its my ED thoughts. My healthy thoughts are the one that wants to start a family, that wants our little one to grow big and strong. Its my healthy thoughts that will do everything to keep our child happy, healthy and safe AND to keep ME happy, healthy and safe. Its just amazing on how well I was doing, and now I feel like I'm starting over. Okay, not REALLY starting over, because I haven't done any behaviors, but ED is for sure back to yelling at me all day everyday. I didn't realize until the past few weeks but he was quieter for a bit. That or I was just learning to tune him out. Well, its a lot harder now. Especially when your OBs make comments about your weight that is neither right or appropriate. I have an amazing team of doctors though (minus the OBs :P), great friends AND great coping skills to get me through this AND I'll have my Jenni Schaefer books to help keep me company while I keep pushing myself :). Will it be a hard pregnancy? Probably, and here I am thinking I was ready for this :P. I am though, and I know I am, but my fears tend to get stuck in my head and don't go anywhere! Can you say annoying!? I have to keep doing what I've been doing, and enjoy (no matter how hard it is) everyday of this pregnancy, because who knows if this is the only time I'll carry a blessing? I hope not, but you never know. We are very lucky for this one, that's for sure. And its not like my doctors tell me this every time I see them haha. Thanks guys.
I have come so far since even 3 years ago. 3 years ago, only a couple of days off, is when I weighed myself for the first time in years at NASA and completely changed and relapsed. Who would have thought I would be pregnant by now? Who would of thought I'd be eating "bad" foods because I WANT them. NOT ME Y'ALL! And to be clear, there is no such thing as "bad" or "good" food. I read recently about "always" and "sometimes" food. I like that a lot better, and will teach my child just that. Its amazing how things change, when you feel like they never would. I have to admit there are times I still feel like stuff won't change, but I know better now.
Love,
M
