My anxiety has been through the roof, and because of that, every time I sat down to write the past couple of months I'd get anxious thinking whatever I was writing was stupid or not good enough. *Slaps self* "Wake up Megan!"
When I was younger I was on so much medication that I was a zombie, I couldn't feel anything or even stay awake. So when I started treatment again about 5 years ago I was adamant about not being so "drugged up." Well, I'm on a decent amount of medication right now, and you know what?? That's ok! It's what's getting me through my lapse, it's helping me think clearly and my psychiatrist is very good about talking with me to make sure everything is working as it should. I'm still embarrassed by it, but honestly I'm starting to not care. It's helping me and it's not like I'm going to be on all of it forever. This thought is because they just added another medication and I had a woe is me moment and told myself it's because I'll "never get better" lol.
Second, why would I even care what someone thought about my blog? Haters gonna hate and that's fine, (I say as I want to cry inside) I'm not a professional writer, and it's been awhile since I took an English class. Who cares? It doesn't have to be perfect. *cringing* I'm beginning to believe perfect doesn't exist even though my brain tells me to achieve it all the time. It's exhausting. Perfectionism is a dream that people make up and strive for, even sometimes kill themselves for. I have strived most of my life for perfection, and have I gotten even close? Nope. My old doctor back in Augusta made me write a letter to my eating disorder to thank it and to tell him that I don't need him or his ways anymore. I have that letter framed and in my bathroom, so every time I look in the mirror I have to see it. Since I've done that, I've read that letter countless times. Perfectionism is and almost has destroyed my life. I HAVE to let go. I HAVE to say goodbye to Miss Perfectionist and ED. It's been 5 years since I started therapy again and I hate that I can't just easily say "Bye! See you never." It seems to be that way right now though, and you know what? That's fine. I'm doing ok, I'm stable and I'm wanting to keep fighting (most days lol). Each step I make and choose everyday to say goodbye is another step closer. If I saw my house the way it is right now, I would have freaked out. It's not perfect, one being I have a two year old lol and two being, I need my sanity more than a perfectly cleaned house. I'll get to it eventually, it's not going to get up and move, and it's not like my house is disgusting. Would I have thought that even a year ago? NOPE. I'd be freaking out and stressing N out because I "needed everything clean." That's a huge step in my book.
Third, moving on to fun things! We moved into our new house on base. First base house and it's AMAZING! Only downside is there is no backyard and the water pressure for the kitchen sink SUCKS. I'm trying to make it as homey as possible, trying to up my decorating skills and I feel like I'm failing haha. It'll get there...and then we'll move 😂. #militarylife. People here are pretty amazing too.
Little E has been doing so well. It seems she's starting to progress and is actually standing up with the help of furniture and things and is walking along chairs and tables. It's amazing to see. She is deathly afraid to walk, but seeing her conquer little steps is the best thing in my life. I am undoubtedly proud of her and can't wait to see her keep growing up. Even though it can slow down a lot, minus the not walking and tantrums. Those can go, like right now 👋
If this is your first time reading my blog, this is pretty much like a thought explosion. Some could make sense, some could not. I also don't go back through and edit my stuff because I need to let that perfectionism thing go. I'm not writing this to please other people, I'm doing it to hopefully help at least one person and for myself 👍.
<3,
M
