The reality of PCSing

I always do this, tell myself I'm going to be awesome and bada** at posting and then LIFE! We officially have PCS'd (permanent change of station) from Alabama to Washington State. 

Lord have mercy, y'all....2 cars, 2 kids (one with sensory needs), 4 animals (2 of which have extreme car anxiety) and LOTS of miles. It is over though! We've been here for a month, and let me tell you...this PCS was an adventure.

We saw my family and some friends in Texas for a week! It has been awhile since we had been back, so it was just great to see everyone and prep for our long journey. It took 2 days to get there from Alabama, but wasn't too bad compared to our like 10 day trip haha. After we left Austin area, we headed to El Paso to see my grandmother and uncle, turns out one of our dogs was so stressed she kept holding in her poop (at least most of it) so we had to take her to the vet on our way into El Paso, after stopping in mid west Texas, to make sure she was alright. That morning E woke up sick, so instead of seeing my nana and uncle, I had to do the old covid distance visit which broke me. I hated not being able to hug them and it had been years since I've been able to see them. Luckily Emma just had a cold, which we knew but since both were high risk I could not let anything happen just in case. So instead of staying the night, we visited them and waited outside the vet for Zoey to get done and then proceeded to our next destination which was a total of 10 hours or more?? We tried to keep it from 4-5 hours for the animals and kids sooooo it was definitely a lot more 😂😭

We drove to see the Grand Canyon on our trip out west, which was a huge bucket list item for me! Pictures do not do this place justice you guys...it is breathtaking! I wish we could have hiked down and explored, but we were only really able to be there for 30 minutes because of the trip back to the hotel and the kids. If you get a chance, definitely go see this beautiful place! We actually did two bucket list items...pictures are down below :)

After a few more stops..,and seeing Nick's family on our way through Oregon, we made it to our...what little E calls our "Blue house." We purchased the house a few months ago from another military family...and this is just going to be another blog post haha. I can't right now, I've already lived it...I don't want to go through it again just yet! They definitely did not clean their house for a few months...so lets just leave it at that for now lol.

Now that things have settled...the reality of finding a new doctor/therapist is creeping in. The worst part of being part of the military life that is the hardest for me....starting over. Learning to trust someone new, having to go through my whole life piece by piece again (the darkest bits) to catch up the new therapist. I've been avoiding it, because honestly I just don't want to do it again. It's draining and I don't trust people very well. Having to push myself to actually call to make an appointment, having to actually go to the appointment, get out of my car and force myself to walk in, having to see if we "mesh well" and if we don't then needing to have to start the process over to find someone new depletes any extra energy that I have that I don't give to the kids. So how else am I going to get the energy to do this? How am I going to find the will to want to get up and start over again? How am I going to just start googling, or looking at my resources for a new therapist? How am I going to get the nerve up to call someone to set up an initial appointment?

I have absolutely no idea, but it needs to happen. It needs to happen, because I'm not my eating disorder. I'm not going to allow it to take over my life and take me away from my husband and kids. I WILL NOT let my kids see the worst side of my ED. I will let them know about it, and I will let them see parts because its the reality, but to the point of death? I just can't let that happen anymore. So I will gain the determination from their smiles. I will be brave and make that first step, that first search, that first call from their hugs and kisses. I will do what it takes to get me to the next step in recovery because I deserve it....and my family does. It's been about 2 months or more (mind is dead lol) since my last therapy session and I've done surprisingly well considering all that has happened, but I know I need to get back on track. I want to get back to helping myself and proving that I can do this. I want to be able to continue speaking my story and showing people what they can overcome because I've done it. I want to be the healthiest person I can be mentally and physically so I can do all that I want and all that my family wants.

So lets start next week ;) 

TOTALLY kidding. Tomorrow I'm making a promise to myself and to you...that I'm going to start looking. I'm going to take that first step, and no matter how anxious or out of control I feel....I will keep up my meal plan, I will not let the urge to purge or self harm overtake me. I deserve recovery and being fully recovered, and remember you do too! 

Let me know how you're helping yourself this weekend! How are you moving one step closer to your goal??

<3

M

Pants

 

Look at these pants. They wouldn't be anyone's downfall, but they were for me a few weeks ago. I did not realize I had not worn these pants in about 3 years, until I put them on and had a full out meltdown. Sure they still fit, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was they fit SO differently than what I remember. I've been doing well...ups and downs like anyone in recovery, but man. When I put these on, so many urges came flooding back ALL day. I wanted to over work out, I wanted to purge, I wanted to restrict, I was having suicidal ideations. ALL OVER PANTS. Y'all....what in the world. I cried all day off and on. I pulled myself into a shell again and was irritable and quiet. Even N noticed something and when I told him he understood. He's pretty amazing that way. I can realistically can look at it and think it's so stupid, but at the same time it's not. It was real for me and caused me so much anxiety and if I'm being honest (which is the whole point of this blog) I'm still extremely anxious and struggling about it. I can't seem to be okay with my body now. I was at a point where I didn't HATE my body because of the two babies I had. Now it's hard to stop the self hate talk and negative emotions. Before I was able to redirect my thoughts or think of something positive (like the kiddos), but now it's hard and I just don't want to work at it. Why? Probably because I've been doing this for over half my damn life. I'm tired, and there are times that I just don't want to anymore. I don't want to have to constantly fight myself. It's hard fighting your brain and your thoughts when they aren't healthy, because what is real? I see myself completely different than what other people do, then what the scale says, then what medical professionals say. How can I fight what I see and feel? I've been doing it so much, especially the last 8 years. 

I need to keep doing it though. I need to keep fighting, because I can't let ED win. I can't let my kids see me fail, or see me struggle and give up. I need to be there for them, and I need to be there for my husband...even our fur babies because goodness are they spoiled! I need to do this for myself too, even though I don't want to, because I deserve recovery. We all do! I've put so much time and effort into recovery that it would just be like slapping me in the face 8 years ago, when I didn't think I'd be where I am today. I dreamed of a day where I didn't cry at every meal, hell...even just having a mint like I did at the hospital once 😳. I've come so far, and at times when things start spiraling downward, it's hard to see how far you have come. Am I still tired? YES! Am I going to give up? No, but that doesn't mean I will be perfect and not struggle. I need to give myself grace, because like it or not, it's how my brain works and it's what I've done for way over half my life. Of course it's going to be the easiest thing for me, but at least now I'm actually fighting my thoughts and not just listening to ED right away. I promise you will get there too! <3

In other news, we're moving to Washington State! Lord help this Texan/southern girl. I HATE the cold as you can see by my face in the picture below. 😂 

Believe in yourself, because I do. Keep fighting friends!

<3 M

Self-Care

Maybe it's my word of the year? Who knows, but I'm tired. I thought I was busy with Emma and to be fair with how many appointments we had and therapy we had to do at home, I was! Having two kiddos though changes everything. I've realized over this past year, especially this past PCS to Alabama, how important self-care really is. You hear it a lot in recovery and you hear it a lot in motherhood, but I always thought I was just being lazy or that I really didn't need it...because "why would I spend time on myself? I don't deserve it and I could be more productive with that time by cleaning or doing something else for the animals, E and N, or the house." I didn't do a lot of self care the past few years, and it's shown. I'm exhausted, and honestly stuck in recovery. I don't feel like taking time out of my day to work on myself and to further recovery. I don't feel like unwinding what is all messed up in me. Every time I feel like I untangle one problem, I find 10 more things, its exhausting and makes me feel like, "what's the point if things keep popping up?" I didn't even have the energy to blog, which I love! I always thought that my self care was "focus on recovery, figure out the problems you have and work on them." It is self care, but doing something for yourself just to have fun is also extremely important. I never really understood that until now. Do I feel guilty about not working on my recovery and my problems all the time? Sure, but I've also realized that it's ok. You can burn out, and if you do burn out, it's okay to take a step back. While we were in Tampa, N was gone constantly. We also didn't have a yard for the dogs to go crazy in, and E was still having 3 therapies a week, multiple times a week on top of her other 4 specialists. I never really took care of myself there, I let my social anxiety get the best of me. I let my depression get the best of me and I didn't take time for myself when I really should have. It really didn't all hit until we moved to Alabama and after having baby L. When I made the effort to voice what I needed and the alone time I needed out of the house, things changed...I began realizing how tired mentally and physically I was. I always thought I could handle things...that I SHOULD handle things without breaks, but after taking time to myself I realized how much energy I had after just a few hours to do what I wanted. I was so much happier when I got home, I was able to deal with the major sass of my daughter and the constant holding of baby L and all of the animals needing my undying attention or at least being near me touching me somehow. I also found that I have more energy and want to actually start working on myself again. Moving and changing therapists doesn't help with wanting to keep working on things, but the self care part gives me new perspective and the energy to really dig deep. It gives me the energy to keep fighting those thoughts in my head, to stop restricting, to not cut or purge and the energy to fight the negative thoughts of, "I'm lazy, fat and I could be better." It also gives me the energy to be a better wife and mom. It gives me the energy and clarity to blog again, and it gives me the energy to do photography! 

So I challenge you, do something 3 times a week for just yourself. Make it fun!

<3 M