Y'all, I'm on the struggle bus. Big time. It seems like I always am, #anxietyprobs, but I swear I have good days!
Lately, things have been so hard. Moving to Florida was exciting, but I moved from the best support system I've ever had and now I have to start all over with that. It's terrifying. Trusting new people is hard for me, and trusting therapists is even a bigger hurdle. I'm trying though. I keep telling myself I can handle everything, and that I don't have a lot going on. Then someone starts naming off everything that I need to do, deal with or come up with, I just want to crawl into bed and hide. I DO have a lot going on. A crap ton 💩.
Since I moved, a little before, I started struggling a lot with ED again. As ashamed I am to admit it, I've lapsed. I want "him" with me, I "need" him with me to handle everything. I have been given so many coping skills and ways to help myself, but my brain is like "Nope, too hard. Focus on not eating to handle your anxiety." That's great right?? It's not, and I know it's not and I KNOW that it just causes more anxiety, so why do I keep going back? Because I've had this crap since I was 9. It's so easy just to slip back into it, and then hard to climb back out. It's so much easier, to focus on my weight, what I'm putting in my mouth, focusing on how I look. It takes away from the anxiety that I'm in a new place with no one except my husband, daughter and animals. It takes away from hating this house that we're renting. It takes away from being so overwhelmed and stressed with Emma having therapy pretty much every day of the week. ST- 2X week PT- 2X Weekend OT - 1X week. That is a lot, not to mention my own doctor appointments. I'm juggling neurology appointments for Emma and now myself (headaches, I'm fine), I need to go back to PT for myself, but I can't. The cost of a sitter and even just the time right now is too much.
Everyone says I need to focus on myself to help others. How though? When I feel like there is not enough hours in the day, and when Emma goes to sleep I'm so dead exhausted with working with her, cleaning the house and playing with the animals that I just don't want to do anything? My new therapist wants me to just take moments to breathe. Easy right? Should be! I could have mastered that a few years ago. Now, that in itself gives me anxiety! I can't be the only one....right?! Please tell me I'm not! Thoughts include - "Am I doing this right? I need to be doing something else, I'm being lazy. I feel/look fat when I breathe in, it's making me look bigger. Ugh, I can just feel every part of fat on my body and how heavy I am by sitting on this chair." That last part is when I'm trying to ground myself. I used to do this and became pretty good at it, but for some reason it's all new to me again. It is so hard to MAKE myself sit down and calm when I have so much to do.
Do I put all these expectations on myself? Why yes I do lol. It's hard not to. I've heard a lot of moms say they feel like they're failing or being bad parents. That is so frustrating to hear and it's so easy to tell someone they're not, but when it comes to you, your brain just beats you up to the point of exhaustion. So I know I'm not the only one, and thats frustrating in itself. I hate seeing others struggle.
So moving forward, what do I need to do? I need to listen and start following my new doctor and take moments out of the day and just focus on breathing. I've done it before, so I can get back to it. I need to lower my expectations of myself, that's going to be really difficult and pretty sure it'll take awhile, but I can do that as well.
I'm not perfect, and I never will be. Even though I'm not in a good place right now, I've been worse, WAY worse. *flashback to UNC and our first year of marriage* I'm not there anymore, and I do have a lot going on, so I need to understand that it's okay to struggle and I'm not a failure. I just need to keep doing what I was doing, even though it's harder than not eating. I hate emotions, HATE THEM. HAAAAAAATTTEEEE THEM, but I know I need to start letting myself feel what I've been trying to hide and push back. I miss Georgia, I miss all of my friends back there. I miss being able to see people throughout the week and be an adult with others. I miss advocating and helping others through eating disorders, and you know what? That's ok to miss all of that. It sucks, but this is radical acceptance at it's finest. Did I just say that?? Yes...thanks DBT 😏. When I calm myself, like right now haha, I know I'm going to get back to where I was and even beyond that. My passion besides animals lol is speaking about my story and advocating for the understanding of EDs. I can't do that right now, but stepping (or falling lol) back can be good in a way. I'll just keep learning from it, and when I slip again, I won't fall as far back like the past. Neither will you. If you're reading this and struggling, even if it's not ED related, remember it's ok to mess up, but it's important to keep trying.
Thoughts of the day! I always just word vomit on this lol.
<3 M
P.S. If you're just starting to read, I don't go back to read through to fix my mistakes. I just let it go, even though it kills me inside 😂. No one is perfect!
