I always do this, tell myself I'm going to be awesome and bada** at posting and then LIFE! We officially have PCS'd (permanent change of station) from Alabama to Washington State.
Lord have mercy, y'all....2 cars, 2 kids (one with sensory needs), 4 animals (2 of which have extreme car anxiety) and LOTS of miles. It is over though! We've been here for a month, and let me tell you...this PCS was an adventure.
We saw my family and some friends in Texas for a week! It has been awhile since we had been back, so it was just great to see everyone and prep for our long journey. It took 2 days to get there from Alabama, but wasn't too bad compared to our like 10 day trip haha. After we left Austin area, we headed to El Paso to see my grandmother and uncle, turns out one of our dogs was so stressed she kept holding in her poop (at least most of it) so we had to take her to the vet on our way into El Paso, after stopping in mid west Texas, to make sure she was alright. That morning E woke up sick, so instead of seeing my nana and uncle, I had to do the old covid distance visit which broke me. I hated not being able to hug them and it had been years since I've been able to see them. Luckily Emma just had a cold, which we knew but since both were high risk I could not let anything happen just in case. So instead of staying the night, we visited them and waited outside the vet for Zoey to get done and then proceeded to our next destination which was a total of 10 hours or more?? We tried to keep it from 4-5 hours for the animals and kids sooooo it was definitely a lot more 😂ðŸ˜
We drove to see the Grand Canyon on our trip out west, which was a huge bucket list item for me! Pictures do not do this place justice you guys...it is breathtaking! I wish we could have hiked down and explored, but we were only really able to be there for 30 minutes because of the trip back to the hotel and the kids. If you get a chance, definitely go see this beautiful place! We actually did two bucket list items...pictures are down below :)
After a few more stops..,and seeing Nick's family on our way through Oregon, we made it to our...what little E calls our "Blue house." We purchased the house a few months ago from another military family...and this is just going to be another blog post haha. I can't right now, I've already lived it...I don't want to go through it again just yet! They definitely did not clean their house for a few months...so lets just leave it at that for now lol.
Now that things have settled...the reality of finding a new doctor/therapist is creeping in. The worst part of being part of the military life that is the hardest for me....starting over. Learning to trust someone new, having to go through my whole life piece by piece again (the darkest bits) to catch up the new therapist. I've been avoiding it, because honestly I just don't want to do it again. It's draining and I don't trust people very well. Having to push myself to actually call to make an appointment, having to actually go to the appointment, get out of my car and force myself to walk in, having to see if we "mesh well" and if we don't then needing to have to start the process over to find someone new depletes any extra energy that I have that I don't give to the kids. So how else am I going to get the energy to do this? How am I going to find the will to want to get up and start over again? How am I going to just start googling, or looking at my resources for a new therapist? How am I going to get the nerve up to call someone to set up an initial appointment?
I have absolutely no idea, but it needs to happen. It needs to happen, because I'm not my eating disorder. I'm not going to allow it to take over my life and take me away from my husband and kids. I WILL NOT let my kids see the worst side of my ED. I will let them know about it, and I will let them see parts because its the reality, but to the point of death? I just can't let that happen anymore. So I will gain the determination from their smiles. I will be brave and make that first step, that first search, that first call from their hugs and kisses. I will do what it takes to get me to the next step in recovery because I deserve it....and my family does. It's been about 2 months or more (mind is dead lol) since my last therapy session and I've done surprisingly well considering all that has happened, but I know I need to get back on track. I want to get back to helping myself and proving that I can do this. I want to be able to continue speaking my story and showing people what they can overcome because I've done it. I want to be the healthiest person I can be mentally and physically so I can do all that I want and all that my family wants.
So lets start next week ;)
TOTALLY kidding. Tomorrow I'm making a promise to myself and to you...that I'm going to start looking. I'm going to take that first step, and no matter how anxious or out of control I feel....I will keep up my meal plan, I will not let the urge to purge or self harm overtake me. I deserve recovery and being fully recovered, and remember you do too!
Let me know how you're helping yourself this weekend! How are you moving one step closer to your goal??
<3
M
