Maybe it's my word of the year? Who knows, but I'm tired. I thought I was busy with Emma and to be fair with how many appointments we had and therapy we had to do at home, I was! Having two kiddos though changes everything. I've realized over this past year, especially this past PCS to Alabama, how important self-care really is. You hear it a lot in recovery and you hear it a lot in motherhood, but I always thought I was just being lazy or that I really didn't need it...because "why would I spend time on myself? I don't deserve it and I could be more productive with that time by cleaning or doing something else for the animals, E and N, or the house." I didn't do a lot of self care the past few years, and it's shown. I'm exhausted, and honestly stuck in recovery. I don't feel like taking time out of my day to work on myself and to further recovery. I don't feel like unwinding what is all messed up in me. Every time I feel like I untangle one problem, I find 10 more things, its exhausting and makes me feel like, "what's the point if things keep popping up?" I didn't even have the energy to blog, which I love! I always thought that my self care was "focus on recovery, figure out the problems you have and work on them." It is self care, but doing something for yourself just to have fun is also extremely important. I never really understood that until now. Do I feel guilty about not working on my recovery and my problems all the time? Sure, but I've also realized that it's ok. You can burn out, and if you do burn out, it's okay to take a step back. While we were in Tampa, N was gone constantly. We also didn't have a yard for the dogs to go crazy in, and E was still having 3 therapies a week, multiple times a week on top of her other 4 specialists. I never really took care of myself there, I let my social anxiety get the best of me. I let my depression get the best of me and I didn't take time for myself when I really should have. It really didn't all hit until we moved to Alabama and after having baby L. When I made the effort to voice what I needed and the alone time I needed out of the house, things changed...I began realizing how tired mentally and physically I was. I always thought I could handle things...that I SHOULD handle things without breaks, but after taking time to myself I realized how much energy I had after just a few hours to do what I wanted. I was so much happier when I got home, I was able to deal with the major sass of my daughter and the constant holding of baby L and all of the animals needing my undying attention or at least being near me touching me somehow. I also found that I have more energy and want to actually start working on myself again. Moving and changing therapists doesn't help with wanting to keep working on things, but the self care part gives me new perspective and the energy to really dig deep. It gives me the energy to keep fighting those thoughts in my head, to stop restricting, to not cut or purge and the energy to fight the negative thoughts of, "I'm lazy, fat and I could be better." It also gives me the energy to be a better wife and mom. It gives me the energy and clarity to blog again, and it gives me the energy to do photography!
So I challenge you, do something 3 times a week for just yourself. Make it fun!
<3 M
