This certain entry has been a long time coming. Things I am so scared to bring out, but if I don't then it will just get worse because I'm letting it win by keeping it secret. Some of you might have realized I haven't been posting on FB the past couple of weeks. Well here's why...
I've been cheating on my husband. Now, before you make judgments, its not what you think. I'm cheating on him with someone named ED. He's my eating disorder, and even though ED is still who I am, I like to separate my ED thoughts and my healthy thoughts, so I make it into another person. It helps keep me sane sometimes because I can't always tell which thought is "real" and what isn't. I'm anorexic. No, I'm not asking for sympathy, no I'm not saying I think everyone around me is heavy or fat and I hate them for it. Yes, I see myself as fat. My body image is totally distorted in my eyes. I hate every ounce of fat I have on my body. There are times I used to just stand in the mirror every day, every hour and sob because I hated looking how I do. Now I have to keep our mirrors covered. I hate everything about myself. I'm still a complete failure in my eyes, one for how I look, two for how I feel like I was am where in life besides getting to marry the best man I know in my life (serious props to my husband though seriously, I'll get into that more later <3). Most people don't know or understand how eating disorder patients think or why they are even afraid to just be around food. Its hard for me to put into words what my thoughts are throughout the day and about every situation I face. I've been reading some things recently and its amazing to see that other people feel the same as me and it helps me realize my own emotions and helps me phrase my own thoughts. One thing that stood out to me the most was, "Imagine having to face your very worst fear everyday. That's what people with eating disorders do every day." Its so scary how true that is. Even just writing that out makes me have tears in my eyes. I have to face my worse fear everyday, and I hate it. I hate fighting with myself as to why I should or shouldn't eat my meal or just even a single bite of something. Each bite is torture for me and even after your done eating the anxiety doesn't go away because you know there is another meal coming. Even at the last meal of the day, all you think about is "I have to go through this again tomorrow. How am I going to be able to keep fighting?" It is a constant battle in your head. It never leaves your thoughts. That's why I wrote "I've been cheating on my husband." It took me awhile to realize, but I am in a relationship with ED. Its all I think about and its all I surround my life around. Every second of everyday I think about things revolving around food, calories, fat grams, carbs, how much I need to exercise to lose weight, how I need to be perfect, how I need to hide my body, how I'm looking, etc. I've tried to fight the truth to that statement, and I still do sometimes. I don't want to let go because its all I know. Its all I know to help cope with stress or anything that goes wrong or makes me feel uncomfortable. There are times I don't want to admit I'm sick because I don't want ED to leave. I don't want to admit I'm not perfect. I strive to be perfect in everything I do. I realize its exhausting, extremely exhausting, but if I'm not perfect then who am I? Real hard thing to face y'all. I had one of my therapists ask me, "Who are you?" and it surprised me so much to not be able to answer him. I felt stupid, I felt scared, I felt vulnerable. How could I not know who I was? I'm 26 years old, and I have no idea who I am? At that point, I felt like I failed myself again. I wasn't perfect because I had no idea who I was/am. (See the vicious cycle?) Now at this point I'm usually asked, "Is gaining a pound that bad?" and to answer that question, yes. To me it is. It terrifies me. Even thinking about gaining a pound makes me want to cry and breakdown. The thing about anorexia, or any other eating disorder in that matter, is that its not really about food or weight (even though it is a true fear). It has to do with things in their life and stuff that's happened in their past and its a way they learned how to cope with it, it was they only way they knew how. I've been battling with anorexia since I was about 9. It's been a long time, and it will be something that I will battle for the rest of my life I think. It would be great if ED just disappeared completely lol but I acknowledge that ED's voices might not ever fully leave, but I will be strong enough at that point to tell him to shut up.
Just because someone is of "average weight" and eating doesn't mean they don't have an eating disorder. There's way more that goes on in the head then most people think. Just because it doesn't seem like someone is having trouble eating doesn't mean that they aren't having ED thoughts SCREAMING at them about every bite they take will just be another pound they'd have to loose, or another ounce of fat that they'd have to get rid of. And yes, I mean screaming. There are times where I'm eating and I've had thoughts screaming in my head saying "Don't eat that, don't take that bite. You'll just gain more weight and you'll get even fatter. Why would you do that to yourself? You've been doing so good skipping meals, don't mess up now. If you eat that, you're going to fail at what you've been trying to do. You won't be perfect." I can seriously go on and on and on with thoughts like that. That's just a small sample of what goes through my head when I try and take a bite of my meal. That usually fits into about 10 seconds lol. Stupid right? Its not to me though. Its real, and its terrifying. If someone offers me just ONE chip or bite of something, it takes everything in me to not breakdown. Anorexia is a very secretive disorder, it makes you hide everything from everyone. I'm ashamed of having it, but in reality I shouldn't be. I need to accept it, kick ED in the butt and then actually live a normal life. A real life. That's why I started writing this. To get ED out there and to let people know about him. If I don't, then its just keeping everything in the dark and that's how ED gets stronger. Secrets. I also wrote this, so if anyone happens to come across this to know that you aren't alone. I've read stories before and it's given me strength to get help. One of my goals in life is to eventually help at least one person with this terrible disease. I'm in no way in a place to do that right now, but eventually :) Everything happens for a reason, so maybe this is why I have struggled with this?
I am SO INCREDIBLY blessed to have married my husband. N has gone above and beyond helping me through this very difficult journey. He knew about it when we started dating because there were always certain foods I couldn't eat and I would never allow myself to weigh myself or eat so much...blah blah. Poor guy didn't know how bad it could get. I started relapsing bad again around when we were wedding planning. I noticed myself staring and feeling my legs, arms and stomach as well as different things I used to do in the past.
I was hospitalized for the first time since I was about 16 because of it. That was in December of last year before we came to Texas for Christmas, then once again in January and then I went back again on March 18th. That was the longest I had been there since the past couple. 13 days. It was terrible, I hate being watched 24/7. Turns out I'm going to be going to a longer treatment center in a couple of weeks. I'm on the waiting list, so we should find out soon when a bed will open. I'll be going to UNC which has a specialized eating disorder program for a couple of months. I am beyond scared, and it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I've heard great things about the program though, so keeping my fingers crossed. I would have never thought I would say okay to going somewhere like that even 3 weeks ago.
I am beyond blessed to have had so many people's support, prayers and well wishes the past couple of weeks. I would have never thought so many people would be there for me or N when we needed it the most. Thank you to every single one of you for everything! Especially those who wrote me letters while I was trapped with no phone :P
I would like to especially say thank you to my husband as well. He has been there with me and has supported me in every way during this difficult journey. I know its not easy for him either, and I am so lucky to have married such an amazing man to be standing next to me fighting. I love you so much!
Also, thank you to my parents for taking Barley for the time being. We miss him so much, but it means the world to us that y'all took him to take care of him while I get better.
I won't be posting all the time about this lol, but there might be a few here and there.
Thank you for reading!
Love,
M
