It's time...

I've been closed off talking about my suicidal ideations, I'm embarrassed and I'm not really quite sure what to say, but it needs to be talked about.

 I tried to commit suicide once, we were in Augusta and I stole the key off of Nick's key chain to the gun box. He went to work the next day, while I worked on letters and then sat in our blue office holding a gun up to my head. I was pulling the trigger as my old therapist in Austin called me. I answered, because it's rude not to and I try to not be rude haha 😏. I remember being in the mindset like it was yesterday, the dark dark place where I didn't think I could pull myself out of. I had given up, I was tired of feeling that pain, tired of fighting my thoughts, tired of just living with myself and the baggage I had. I wanted it to all go away, and honestly I thought was just a burden to everyone, especially Nick. He would have been happier without me, he could find someone better than me. I didn't want him to think he had to stay in the warped world I felt like I was in. I felt like no one wanted me around and that I wasn't that important to anyone. I was wrong.

I think back to that time and those memories rush through my mind. I'm so glad I never fully pulled that trigger. Surprisingly enough, when I was hospitalized right after that, there was a man that came into the geriatric psych ward where I was at. His mouth was wired shut, but seemed completely normal and happy. The geriatric psych ward was attached to the adult psych ward, just had a door in between. I would go to groups on the adult side when they had them during the day and the man came to one group and sat next to me. He smiled at me everyday and waved and I did the same. I forgot what we were talking about in group, but I brought up my suicidal thoughts and what had put me in the hospital this time. He turned to me and as much as he could talk and said, "I'm so glad you didn't." He then pointed to his face and said he shot himself in an attempt to commit suicide. He told me that if he would had known what it would have done to his family he wouldn't have done it. They had no idea, and their reactions tore him apart more than what his thoughts did. He told me that even when I feel like I'm at my lowest point, someone out there wants you around. He then said, "I'm glad my life didn't end, and I'm glad yours didn't either." I've carried this conversation around with me since it happened. I'm glad I met that man and am still taken aback about what he said, he changed me though. I can finally say at this point, I don't want my life to end. Times can get hard, I still feel like a burden sometimes and I feel worthless. I'm not though, and I'm learning to just sit with those thoughts and feelings and fighting them, which I was not able to do before. Yay therapy, did I actually learn something after all this time?! 😂

Recently, I had a friend tell me about a situation in her life that is related to suicide. It's really made me start thinking of my past and how I empathize with those that struggle with suicidal thoughts. I know how they feel, and I get it. People say it's selfish, which it is, BUT you are in a mindset that you think you're doing the best thing for others. I'm realizing that after talking to my friend, that I completely missed how hard this must have been for N. I can see this person struggling and not understanding and it breaks my heart. If I could go back, I would want to tell N how hard I was trying, that I didn't want to give up, but I didn't know what else to do. I wanted him to be happy, and I knew I was not making him happy at that time. I was lost and no other way to escape, but that I'm so sorry that I put him through that and that I love him so much for sticking with me. I'm sure others feel this way too. I want families who have a loved one struggling, to know that this does end. That others are out there that are going through the same thing. Reach out for help, it's okay to ask for it. Talking with other people in the same situation will help you get through this. I want for people who do have suicidal ideations to know the same thing. You are loved even if you don't feel like it. You're strong and you've made it this far. Reach out for help, it's not a sign of weakness. I know it's scary opening up about these thoughts and why you have them, but once you do, you start to heal. Healing is hard, but so very worth it. To both sides, it does get better. The thoughts will fade and even if they jump up every once in awhile, they will past as fast as they come. Don't ever give up.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. Call 24/7.


<3 M

The Present Moment

I can never live up to the amount I want to be. I want to be the mom who is always present, the mom who can just focus on her child and enjoy every moment spent with them. Yet, here I am, fighting depression, anxiety and all this other stuff day in and day out where I can't just be with little E. I hate it, but I fight it constantly everyday, because she's worth it. I wake up groggy from the previous night's medication, then throughout the day I take my anxiety medication to help with racing thoughts or the tightness in my body, the fear I have constantly around my weight and those medications make you tired. I ignore everything so I can focus on her, but am I really doing her a favor? No, not at all. I never understood the phrase, "You have to help yourself first before you can help anyone," but its hit home pretty well recently. I've ignored so much since we've moved here, like I didn't really want it to be real. I miss Augusta, I miss our friends, I miss my doctor (even though that's weird) and I miss our house. I miss feeling semi comfortable, and then this move came along and turned my world upside down. I'm scared to make friends, one because I'm weird haha and two because I'm scared to get too close, also I'm more comfortable in my house so why leave? haha. In high school, I was friends with a group of girls who I loved dearly, and then one day they shut me out. I never knew why, maybe because of my eating disorder, or maybe just for whatever reason, but it hurt and I felt like I haven't recovered since. Sounds pathetic right?  Well, I found that home again with my friends in Augusta and it was amazing, but then I lost it. How can I keep going through the pain of losing friendships and feeling comfortable to feeling that loneliness every few years for months on end? It's happened here, and I hate it. It's going to happen again, and that's where I've been getting into my vicious cycle of depression. My brain never, ever stops and the only way to help is distraction, but that doesn't really make me present. Little E is walking now, FINALLY after 2 years of therapy, and I couldn't be more proud. I keep thinking that I've missed so much of her being little, even though I was with her all the time, because I was so wrapped up in my brain, thoughts and worries, I missed stuff. Now that I recognize this is it going to go away? Not right away and I have to be okay with that, but I have the ability to realize when things are making my brain go haywire now, where I can just sit down and breathe. Even with little E. She's been loving to cuddle recently, and when I get on the floor, she is right there with me and I teach her what I'm doing. Does she understand? Not completely, but I'll be damned if I pass this on to my little girl. I will get there, and I know I will. I just need more patience with myself, and understand that I'm not ever going to be that perfect person, or better yet, that perfect mom. I've done pretty well so far though, because I've seen what a sweet, happy girl she's turning into. Though she's 2 so we all know she can be crazy.

This is the military life, and I better get used to it. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this, and I wish more people would be more open about the struggle of everyday life in the military and being a mom (or dad!). Well, cheers to you reading this who understand what all of this is like and keeps pushing. We can't let our worries and thoughts take over our life, because they will and we will miss the best parts of living. Remember to sit down, ground yourself in the moment, take a breath and smile. You'll enjoy it ;)


<3 M

Here's a picture because I love it.