It took a lot of courage to post about my anorexia, now this is the biggest thing I'm afraid to tell. I probably don't need to post about this, but I need to for my sanity and to give me the courage to speak about it to people I don't know. If I can't tell y'all, how am I going to be able to tell a crowd and to help others? That time is coming soon too, I think (which is exciting!). That and I hate hiding things. After this I will be an open book for the most part. You don't need to know all the details lol. I want to become a speaker against eating disorders and what I'm about to say, because I'm so passionate about not having it happen to others. I honestly don't care if you believe me or judge me and its taken awhile for me to say that. About almost 3 years ago when I started treatment on my eating disorder, I had said some things about my past that my therapist in Austin questioned. She told me I was raped. I didn't believe her for a second and said it was all my fault, that I caused it somehow. Well, when I started treatment here in Georgia, the treatment team that I have now told me the same thing. I finally have accepted it and I can say that I have PTSD from a rape that happened when I was 19. I'm not proud of it, and I'm still ashamed and guilty it happened even though it wasn't my fault in anyway at all. I've been working on it for the past year after being stable with my ED for awhile. I've worked through it for the most part. Now I just need to work on some other things to help me not be so jumpy or scared in certain situations. I thought dealing with anorexia was hard guys, and it is. Don't get me wrong on that. Its tiring, but having to face your deepest and scariest memory over and over and over has been the hardest thing I have had to do so far. I would put it possibly higher than eating. It was that hard. It drained me, it terrified me. I sobbed, shook, screamed, yelled, threw things, burned things (yeah you read that right), tore things up and numbed myself in ways I shouldn't have. I'm on the other side though and I can see the light now. My husband still can't come up behind me to touch me without me knowing without me jumping or gasping. I still get flashbacks and have night terrors when I sleep. Its so much better than what it was, but waking up from screaming is never a fun thing to do y'all. N will still wake me up during the middle of the night because I was shaking so bad.
When I said I am so blessed to have met and married N, its true. I don't know anyone who would have put up with my ED, anxiety, depression and PTSD for this long and be so kind and patient. He's not perfect, but I don't expect him to be. Just like I don't expect myself to be perfect.
Well, now y'all know almost everything about me. Its been challenging to say the least, but I'm doing so much better and I'm not letting this keep me back anymore. I'm moving on and kicking butt!
