Living in truth Part 2!

It took a lot of courage to post about my anorexia, now this is the biggest thing I'm afraid to tell. I probably don't need to post about this, but I need to for my sanity and to give me the courage to speak about it to people I don't know. If I can't tell y'all, how am I going to be able to tell a crowd and to help others? That time is coming soon too, I think (which is exciting!). That and I hate hiding things. After this I will be an open book for the most part. You don't need to know all the details lol. I want to become a speaker against eating disorders and what I'm about to say, because I'm so passionate about not having it happen to others. I honestly don't care if you believe me or judge me and its taken awhile for me to say that. About almost 3 years ago when I started treatment on my eating disorder, I had said some things about my past that my therapist in Austin questioned. She told me I was raped. I didn't believe her for a second and said it was all my fault, that I caused it somehow. Well, when I started treatment here in Georgia, the treatment team that I have now told me the same thing. I finally have accepted it and I can say that I have PTSD from a rape that happened when I was 19. I'm not proud of it, and I'm still ashamed and guilty it happened even though it wasn't my fault in anyway at all. I've been working on it for the past year after being stable with my ED for awhile. I've worked through it for the most part. Now I just need to work on some other things to help me not be so jumpy or scared in certain situations. I thought dealing with anorexia was hard guys, and it is. Don't get me wrong on that. Its tiring, but having to face your deepest and scariest memory over and over and over has been the hardest thing I have had to do so far. I would put it possibly higher than eating. It was that hard. It drained me, it terrified me. I sobbed, shook, screamed, yelled, threw things, burned things (yeah you read that right), tore things up and numbed myself in ways I shouldn't have. I'm on the other side though and I can see the light now. My husband still can't come up behind me to touch me without me knowing without me jumping or gasping. I still get flashbacks and have night terrors when I sleep. Its so much better than what it was, but waking up from screaming is never a fun thing to do y'all. N will still wake me up during the middle of the night because I was shaking so bad.

When I said I am so blessed to have met and married N, its true. I don't know anyone who would have put up with my ED, anxiety, depression and PTSD for this long and be so kind and patient. He's not perfect, but I don't expect him to be. Just like I don't expect myself to be perfect.

Well, now y'all know almost everything about me. Its been challenging to say the least, but I'm doing so much better and I'm not letting this keep me back anymore. I'm moving on and kicking butt!

This month has FLOWN by. I can't believe its almost December....I'm turning 28...noooo! Just kidding, it will be a wonderful year full of great things I'm sure :).

We had such a great month, work is awesome and we went to Disney World and Universal Studios for the first time! It was SO fun! Our first real vacation in two and a half years and man did we need it. With N working so much and me being so busy with work, dr appointments, FRG and other things we don't get to spend a lot of time together so it was nice to just be with each other everyday. Plus it was Disney World, so...you know...Disney.

Disney!

Don't mind the no makeup. I also took a week off of it. You should do it too! My face never felt better haha

We went to Animal Kingdom, Epcot, Magic Kingdom, Hollywood Studios, Island of Adventure and Universal Florida and stopped by Disney Springs for lunch with a family member! 

I also tried new things for the first time in forever while I was on vacation. Scary, but I survived to tell the tale so couldn't have been that bad I guess. It took a lot out of me though, I was so anxious the whole trip and walking so much triggered my overexercising urges again but hopefully I will keep those down to a minimum since I'm home now. Probably won't be trying anything huge like I did for a bit, but baby steps. I'm proud of the huge step I had to do to accomplish what I did there.

Thanksgiving is a few days away, another scary thing. Holidays are wonderful but terrifying for me. They are surrounded by so much food so its very difficult for me to handle. We're hosting Thanksgiving AND Christmas this year so hopefully it will go well and I don't poison anyone haha. N has some of his people are coming over for Thanksgiving dinner and then N's wonderful mother is coming for Christmas! So excited! First family member to come see our new house, which we have owned for exactly ONE year today! We're so awesome ;). Still can't believe we OWN a house and don't just rent it. Adultish, I know. (Love that word) 

Besides all of that, all of our fur babies are doing wonderful, we actually had a photoshoot with the dogs. Which was a blast! Now if we can get ALL the animals together I would be happy and life would be complete :)

                                                    They tried their best to cooperate lol

The kitties are great as well, they love each other which is so relieving. A lot of cats don't get along, but ALL the animals are doing very well together. *happy dance!* 

They love me!

So much has happened I feel like, but this is just a fast update on our lives :). I'm working on another deep blog, which I'm nervous about so I might not post it haha but I'm passionate about it so we'll see. 

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!! Love you all!

M

 I'm beginning to learn who I am, and its kind of exciting and scary. Its scary letting go of ED, but freeing at the same time. So hard to explain! I'm working on trying new foods, working on letting go the anxiety of seeing the numbers on the scale and letting go of the idea of perfectionism. Its extremely hard and exhausting work but if I've come this far so I know I can do it. Its been almost two and a half years since I've relapsed and its been a nightmare, but I wouldn't change one thing because I'm redefining myself and its a wonderful process. It's also seriously strengthened our marriage so much which I love. I did come to the realization that I'm trying to be at my lowest minimum weight while trying to recover at the same time. That's not going to work at all. I realized I need to let go of that number and just be happy with who I am. I have so many rules in my head that I need to change that don't benefit me in any way. Rules that just hinder me and keep me away from the recovered life. Rules such as "I can only eat ____ today, or I can only weight ____, or I can't eat _____ because it has too much fat."  There's other more serious rules that I won't put on here but changing something you believed for so long is hard to do. I want the recovered life so badly, it scares me for wanting it, because its something new and ED is still wanting me to hold on. I have to let go. I want to have an amazing life and ED is ruining it. He's caused so much pain and anguish as well as pretty much destroyed my body over the years. I actually had to have a conversation with my doctor about that the other week and he told me "You need to come to grips that you might never be able to have children because of this." I broke down (which isn't hard for me to do recently haha). I broke down because I did this to myself but I also couldn't help it, I had no idea how to pull myself out until I met my wonderful treatment team that I have now. I have a mental illness, so I can't blame myself. I need to put my trust in God though, that I will have a child one day. I'm shaking writing this because of all the changes that are happening now. I'm stressing so much over it, but I'm also a little excited. This is another step for me to take to recover from this terrible illness. I'm taking that step now and even though its a work in progress, I'm proud of myself for doing it.

Also, y'all. Jenni Schaefer's CD is AMAZING!!! I've constantly played it in my car and its so uplifting. So go buy it now!! All of her songs just blew me away. I can relate so much to them its crazy. I'm so happy someone wrote songs about these struggles. Thank you thank you thank you Jenni and it was wonderful meeting you at the NEDA conference!

Perfectionism. I've been thinking about writing about this for awhile, no idea what I'm going to say but here we go. Perfectionism is exhausting and downright not even close to possible. So why do I strive to do it everyday? That's one thing my doctor and I are venturing on right now. I've been told, literally, by everyone that being perfect is not realistic and no one in the world is perfect. Yet I still seek it. It's annoying and doesn't even make sense as I type it out. Yet, there's this part of me that wants to obtain it, that I'm a complete failure if I mess up and I'm not worthy of anything if I do. I mess up dinner, so I'm not being worthy of my husband's love. I mess up something small at work so I deserved to be fired. I mess up my meal plan and recovery and I cry and don't deserve to be happy. I miss one hang out with a friend and I don't deserve any friendships. I "mess up" and gain weight, I don't deserve to eat for a week. I put " " around mess up because thats what ED is telling me. Not what is actually true. I guess ED can be part of this perfectionism because technically it is, but I'm calling this voice Ms. Perfectionist. Thanks to Jenni Schaefer and how she worded it in her book "Life Without Ed" or something close to it at least. In reality perfectionism isn't obtainable. Everyone is going to make mistakes, thats how God made us. Ms Perfectionist gets into everything in your life, just like ED. She has a say in every ounce of your day. Every move you make she's there critiquing you, telling you what's right or wrong and how bad of a person you are if something doesn't go right. I am so blessed to have the people I do in my life right now because I don't have to be perfect and they're ok with it. It helps tremendously to lower the Ms Perfectionist voice. Even work...I started a new job at a dog daycare/boarding place and it is AMAZING! My boss is so great as well as all of my co workers and I love what I do. I was so stressed out when I first started because I felt like I had to be perfect. I only felt that because it's the rule I made up in my head and I HAD to follow it. Of course I messed up, but both my managers have been so understanding and patient and even have been helping with this nagging voice. It gives me so much anxiety to even think I can't be perfect. So in a weird way, striving can help lower my anxiety which is was ED is all about as well. My mind will literally do anything to lower the amount of anxiety I have. Which is a lot haha. It lowers and raises my anxiety. It lowers it because I'm striving for something that I *think* I can obtain, but when I mess up it raises my anxiety. My doctor says that once I remove the rule that I have to be perfect, I will live a happier life and things will get so much easier in recovery. Is he right? Can I believe him? He hasn't steered me wrong at all before so I need to trust him, but how can I change a rule that I have had in my head my entire life? Little by little....step by step it will get easier. Each day I have to CHOSE to NOT be perfect. I have to CHOSE to not listen to the Ms Perfectionist voice in my head and all the rules she makes in my life. I have to chose and make my own rules, which is way harder than it seems. Its completely possible though and I need to trust my support system as I try and start changing the rules in my life. With a big one being, "Be the best you can be, but don't strive to be perfect. You'll be shooting for something that just goes into nothingness. Be here in the present moment, strive to what makes you happy, not just for something that makes you less anxious." First step, not going back and fixing any mistakes or rewriting what I wrote to make sense.

Hope you enjoyed this mumble jumble!

M <3

Everyone has told me to jump since before last year. "Take the jump and trust your doctors, things will get better. We'll be your safety net." Well, I've jumped....and I feel like I'm just falling and its a terrifying feeling. I've been eating pretty well for the most part (hence the jump part). I've been trusting my doctors consistently but I feel like I'm still lost in the murkiness of my eating disorder. All I want to do my usual ED habits but I know I can't and I'm starting to learn that I shouldn't for my sake, that it isn't healthy. "Its a step in the right direction," they say. Sometimes I just want to scream at them to tell me when this is over. When is my body going to get back to normal and stop having things wrong with it? When am I going to wake up and not hate myself or care what my body looks like, or worry how much I have to eat that day? When am I going to stop counting the calories and marking how many starches, fats, proteins or whatever else I need that day, or even just to see my body the way they see it. I just see fat still, which is frustrating because they keep telling me different. I've been told that its the last to go, but I have to keep eating to nourish my brain so that it can eventually get there. They said it takes awhile, I just wish I knew how long. I want to see the end so I know that it's possible to get there, because right now I don't think I can. I feel like its just a huge circle and that I keep going round and round it. I'm struggling emotionally and mentally, but this time I don't have my ED behaviors to help me cope like usual (which is good!). So its been taking a lot of work and energy to remember my other coping skills that I've learned. Sometimes they don't even work so I have to keep coming up with different ones to see which one does. Its tiring and its SO much easier to slip into the ED habits. Is that right for my body though? No its not. Will it get me to be where I want to be? No. Will it help me to be able to start a family? Not at all. I know these things when I say them out loud or write them down and it seems logical, but its a completely different story when it comes to actually doing it and believing it or even thinking it inside my head. I can come up with every reason why I could say yes to those questions and I usually do answer yes, but now I'm answering "no" out loud. So I know I'm fighting back against ED, but the murkiness is clouding how much progress I've made so I just want to give up because I feel like I haven't made any. I know logically I've made progress though, even though I don't see or feel it at times. I guess I need to keep my mind on that and as I'm falling, I need to trust I'll catch that safety net.

I also can't thank my treatment team and husband enough for having patience with me and helping figure all this out. I'm a hot mess lol.

<3 M

If any of you needs a pick me up, I heard this song not too long ago and I fell in love. It helps on my tough days. Its called Fight Song by Rachel Platten and I listen to it on repeat constantly!


                                                              

I feel stuck. It's almost like no matter how much I try I just can't get better. Like I'm the only person who just can't recover from her eating disorder. Its so frustrating and depressing. It makes it hard to WANT to move forward. When I feel motivation to do something beyond my disorder, like becoming a speaker against eating disorder (which is something I REALLY want to do), I can't because I have to be fully recovered for a year....and I'm not even close to that. At least I feel that way, my doctor might say different haha. It just demotivates me and makes me feel like whats the point of even trying. Its just another way my disorder has ruined my life (drama queen right now) or has made it just that more difficult. I'm just re reading Goodbye Ed, Hello Me again and again to get that motivation from Jenni Schaefer and hopefully I will get to see her in October at the NEDA Conference! Pray I get a scholarship! Happy thoughts!

I've come so far, which I see. Especially from past journal entries, I've come so far. It just feels like I have so much farther to go and it doesn't seem to be in my grasp. I used to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but now its all dark again. Where is the light that I so desperately need to see? What is real recovery? I felt like I was on the road and now I'm in the murkiness of ED again and can't see anywhere. I really need to get out of my head, my thoughts are what are killing me. I need to go beyond them, but just can't. Its like ED is whispering in my ear that I need him, that I can't do this on my own. That if I leave him I'll be even more miserable. How can I believe the wise words of Jenni Schaefer that things do get better, how do I believe when my doctor says I will be happy once I let ED go? It terrifies me. How do I get passed this point? Its so frustrating guys, but I know I need to keep walking forward. I need to have faith. I need to trust my doctors and my support team. I CAN do this.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I need to look on the plus side! Good things have been happening the past few months, which is really exciting. One thing is, my doctor asked me to tell my story in front of a class of medical students at a college here in Georgia. I was SO nervous, but I think it went well and I actually felt like I helped many to understand a little more about eating disorders. Its a step in the direction to become a real speaker against them as well. One day :)

Next good thing, I started my own business! WHAT?! Yeah totally crazy. I might just be a little excited. I started my own photography business. I thought it was a good idea at the time (still do) but there are so many people around here that it might have been a crazy idea, but I'm going for it! No paying clients yet, but I'm hoping to have a couple of ones soon since I just keep building my portfolio :)

Last, but not least! N is taking Company Command in 2 weeks! I am so incredibly proud of him and just wait for an overload of pictures. I can't wait for this exciting time for him, he's been waiting for it for so long and now its finally here! Then I'll get to say goodbye to my husband for 2 years ;) Jk, but really though, he said he'll be super busy and I'll barely see him. Time to pick up some more hobbies to keep my busy!


M

Y'all, its been 9 months since I've been in the hospital last. Before that I was in 4 different times within a 5 month period. Not to say I've been threatened with it a few times within the past 9 months, but I feel so proud for fighting so much. Then there's this other side of me who feels guilty because I'm breaking my ED rules. Rules that I have yet to figure out how to change in my mind. I'm eating out, which is still very limited, but guys...I'm eating at restaurants. BIG no no in ED's book. I'm eating most of my meals and snacks. I'm getting out of the house by doing plays and I'm taking an acting class thanks to a great person who offered to help me get back into acting. Something I wouldn't have thought I could get myself to do even 6 months ago because my self confidence was shot. I've had lapses and relapses (which is normal on the road to recovery), but I have been able to get myself to eat again and gain weight (its been up and down a lot lol but thats ok).
Recently I had a pretty big relapse. I lost my aunt, 6 months after my grandfather past. I got under 100 lbs, which I haven't been since I went to the treatment center in April. I was so happy, but yet so mad at myself because I allowed ED to take over my life again. I lost all the focus I built up, I lost concentration, I felt like I was in a daze again, a fog. I forgot how stupid I was when I was way below my minimum healthy weight. And yes, I mean stupid. I couldn't think properly, I couldn't answer simple questions. I realized I'm not a member of society when I relapse. It scared me. Am I having trouble gaining weight still? Yes, but I finally realized what it actually does to me, which is a huge step in my book and helps give me a push in the right direction to keep fighting. ED is still in my thoughts every second of everyday and its one miserable fight, but I am moving forward to divorcing him. That scares the hell out of me too, but reading this book called "Goodbye ED, Hello Me" has helped me gain a new perspective on recovery. Its an amazing book, and is helping me realize that recovery might be better then keeping ED in my life. As scared as I am for losing ED, I'm starting to be excited about the possibility of a life without him. We could have a baby, and if anyone knows me at all, you know I want a family more than anything. I could get a job and actually be good at it. I can continue to volunteer to help out in plays which is something I've loved doing since high school. I can even volunteer with animals which I have a gift for. The biggest one of all, I can help support my husband while he takes command. There are things that set me back everyday, but I think I just need to keep reading and rereading the book by Jenni Schaefer to keep giving me strength to fight for the life I deserve. So thank you thank you thank you to Jenni Schaefer for helping me on this very long road to recovery. Thank you for showing me how life should actually be like. Thank you for being so strong and confident when I feel like I can't be. You've helped me so much, and I don't even know you. Maybe one day I will be lucky enough to.