Wow has it been awhile lol. Life has picked up for me and hasn't slowed down at all!
New things are scary but exciting. I started volunteering for a play doing props. Haven't done that in about 8 years, so I was pretty nervous but I am having SO much fun! I've gotten to meet so many great people and I'm finally able to do something I love after being gone from home for so long. Its the last weekend of the play as well, soooo you should come see it!
Next, WE OWN A HOUSE! Whaaaat?! Still sounds so crazy to me, and makes me feel like such an adult. Who would have thought that a year ago I could say we own a house?! Def not me. But it is beautiful! We finally have a place for everything, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be spoiled when we have to move in a couple of years. Especially the kitchen, it is my favorite place which is funny because I have an eating disorder lol. Little joke, gotta make some fun of it somehow.  Anyways, the kitchen is huge and just perfect. I am so happy with everything Nick and I chose to design the house.

How is recovery going you ask?? Its a headache and its tiring. Its the hardest thing I've ever reached for but somehow I keep pushing through to make it one step closer. Please keep praying for me! Especially during the holidays, which is usually stressful and full of food lol. Yay -_-. My best friend here, Nick and I are going to do the NEDA walk in Athens (which isn't very far) in February. We are so excited!! Remember the conference I was supposed to go to but I relapsed and couldn't go? Its the same people/function, and it raises awareness for eating disorders in people. We're going to have to ask for some donations once we sign up and we plan on doing some car washes and stuff, but if you are able to at all donate even just $1 please do! Its for a good cause and we really need help with research! Ps I hate asking for stuff haha.

Since Thanksgiving just happened, I figured I should write about some things I'm thankful for.
1. My husband -- As hard as this first year has been with me being in the hospital so many times and going through really rough therapy as well as many many breakdowns from me. He has never left my side and has continued to support me through this. He's been so patient and has been my rock and light through this very dark and terrible storm and I couldn't ask for anyone better to spend my life with. Thank you love.
2. My family -- I'm so thankful my parents came to see me when I was in the hospital and picked up Barley to watch him for us. You will never understand how truly grateful I am. I was so scared to tell you what had been happening, but there you were showing up with coloring books and puzzles to keep me busy! The rest of  my family I want to thank for supporting me and all the prayers to help me get to where I am today and helping me keep pushing.
3. My team of doctors -- There are times where I have truly wanted to yell at these people and times where I have truly hated them, but they never have left me.  I would not be where I am today without them. They are very dear and amazing people and I will never be able to thank them enough for what they have done for me and are doing still. I know I've been a pain to them, but they never gave up. And I love them for that
4. My friends -- Y'all know who you are! Thank you for always checking in with me to see how I'm doing and for continuously listening to my rants about everythinnnggg under the sun! I miss you all and hope to get to see some of you over Christmas!
5. My fur babies -- They are a prime example of unconditional love. They always know when I've been upset about not being in Texas or when I just ate and they always do their best to comfort me. No matter how imperfect I am they are always right next to me (or on me haha) giving me lots and lots of love.

We'll be in Texas in a little over 2 weeks now! Get ready y'all!

There's been something on my mind lately, actually everyday lol but something I decided I should write about. The scale. The most dangerous weapon in my fight against ED.


Its something I feel attached to, chained to, glued to. And I hate it, but for the life of me can't seem to walk away from one before I hurry and weigh myself before someone sees. I don't have a scale at home, I'm not allowed to per my doctor and my husband. In reality I know its a good thing, because I used to weight myself over 20 times a day, but if I could have one I would. Scales are everywhere, I get weighed at my doctor's appointments, I go to the pool or gym and there's a scale, I walk by them in Walmart or Target and try one to see if they work. I go to a friends house or a family members house and right there on the floor is a bathroom scale. It haunts me. Why when that stupid number shows up, it makes me sick? I want it to be lower, I want to "just lose 5 more pounds" and then keep going. I KNOW I will never be happy with what comes up, but I can't help but want to know what that mysterious number is. Its like I need to know or I'll go crazy. What if I've gained? Maybe I lost and I'll be happy for just a second, but then start planning to lose even more. I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I feel stuck. That annoying number is blocking me from being able to continue some pretty serious work with my doctor. It's blocking me from being able to go out to eat with friends (yes, we have friends here now. YAY), from being able to go on a frozen yogurt date with my husband. Its stopping me from being able to live the life that I want, and not what ED dictates to me. It hurts thinking that so many people have the same issue as me. So if you're going through the same thing, (even if you aren't!) I'm going to make a promise. One day I will take my scale (or one that I had just bought lol) and smash and beat the crap out of it and I will not allow myself to own another one ever again. I will break the chain that binds me and keeps holding me back. One day I will be able to do that, but I have to be ok with where I am now, and keep pushing myself forward no matter how hard it is to.


St. Dymphna, pray for us!

Man, did July fly by or what?! I feel like it was the 1st like yesterday. Who knew it was true when everyone said "Time flies when you're older."








We've had a lot of stuff happen in our family over the past month. One being my grandpa passing away. My dad called me the beginning of July and told me my grandfather wasn't doing well in ICU, so I flew to El Paso that same day. He was really out of it, but no matter what, if someone said they loved him he always somehow answered back. It makes me smile when I think of it. He was such a great and humble man. There's not a day that has gone by that I haven't thought of him and I wish that I had more time. I'm very glad to have been given the chance to say goodbye though. He is one of the best men I know and he'll always hold a special place in my heart.












Before that, in June, I was in one of my best friend's wedding! It was so much fun getting to see her and hang out with other friends. One of the other bridesmaids in the wedding, who is a mutual friend, asked me to be in her wedding as well! I got two more weddings coming up that I'm in! I was going to post pictures, but for some reason I'm not able to right now. Annoying.








One AMAZING and EXCITING news that N and I have is that, an offer we put on a brand new house got accepted!! We actually got to design the house yesterday. I can officially say it was such a long process. I definitely walked out of there with a headache. It was crazy how many decisions we had to make! Knowing me, nothing will match because I have a horrible sense of style when I can't see everything together. Let's hope it turns out well, if not then N is going to have a frantic wife lol. N and I are so excited for this opportunity. It will be finished being built in late November. Now most of you are probably saying, "Wait, you bought a house? Aren't y'all moving in a couple of years?" To answer that, yes we will be, but we plan on renting out the house since population here is going to go way up because of more families are going to be moving here soon.








Other good news, I get to take walks now! I was banned from working out for 6 months because of how obsessed I became with it and they didn't want me having a hard time gaining weight/didn't want me losing anymore weight. Well, I'm almost the weight I need to be AND we can take a break from gaining weight for now. I'm still below what my BMI should be, but its nice to hear that I can take a break from having to see my weight go up every week. Of course its been up and down so much, but it's a good feeling having the doctor trust you enough to not relapse. This also means we're going to get into some really hard therapy work soon and that scares me, but I know I need to to move forward.






We have our little family back together as well! Barley is officially home. Y'all don't even know how excited I am to see a huge difference since we last saw him. He's not biting me anymore, he semi listens AND I'm actually able to have him out of his kennel for hours at a time. It's wonderful. I can't wait till he calms down even more and I don't have to put him in his kennel at all. I'm even more excited, because I feel like now he'll make a great therapy dog. We're going to start training soon for just basics....especially come. He doesn't like listening...so he got more stubborn that way, but we'll fix it! I also can't believe how HUGE he is! 105lbs! What in the world was I thinking when I said I wanted a big dog. Of course I was expecting like a 75lb golden. He's so huge, people think he's mixed with lab haha. Nope, he's just that big. Also, who in their right mind will get a long haired dog? Obviously I wasn't when I said I wanted a golden. I vacuum and not even 5 minutes later I see tufts of hair floating everywhere. UGH. He is pretty darn cute though, I'll have to admit that.

Wow, what a month. I keep trying to figure out how to write about the past month, but its so hard to put into words.


First off, I am beyond blessed to have met so many great people there along with (most of) the staff at UNC. All the patients became like a family because we all were going through pretty much the same thing. We had to make ourselves do exactly what we're afraid of, and it was the hardest thing I've had to put myself through yet. I had such high expectations of this place, and I can honestly say that I learned some things, especially relaxation therapy. I NEED to learn to relax and beat this anxiety lol. On the other hand I was hoping I could actually move past this. All I can think about right now is that I have gained weight and my clothes feel tighter and that stresses me out beyond all measure. I hate it. So it just makes me want to revert back to my old ways. All I can think about is that "I want to be skinny. I hate being this fat." Its so frustrating because I just put myself through therapy multiple times a day, everyday for a month. I guess I expected to be in a better place in my head when I got discharged, and it's discouraging to have these ED thoughts still so loud. Its just kind of like, now what? What else can I do to beat this? And right now it feels like nothing. My therapist keeps telling me I have to keep enduring it. Endure it? I have to hate my body and still force myself to eat as much as I'm being told? Can you even begin to imagine how hard that is to do? And here I was thinking it would be easier when I got out of the hospital lol NOT! I understand the fact that if you don't eat then you will die. Your body needs food, and I understand that with everyone else. To me, that doesn't apply to me though, because "I haven't eaten and I'm fine" I know y'all can argue that as well as I know I can, that's just what battle all the time. Discouraging. Frustrating and I hope those voices get quieter with each passing day. Good thing I have pretty good coping skills :)

I didn't mean for this to turn out all bummed lol so lets list the things that were the worst while I was there to make it even better
- Had to have someone watch us go to the bathroom, every...single...time
- Showers were on timers and were not that hot
- Only allowed to use electric razors which sucked, so basically didn't shave for a month
- Not being able to wear jackets in the freezing meal room
- Getting up at 6 every morning to get vitals, blood taken and weighed. We just wanted to sleep in!


There was more, but those were the worst lol. Its nice going to the bathroom alone again :P.


The good thing about going, is that I am even more sure that I want to get involved with the National Eating Disorder Foundation and finish my degree in Psychology and become a speaker and hopefully help at least one person with this terrible, life destroying disease. I definitely want to incorporate animals in there somewhere. Maybe speak and do pet therapy? Who knows. I just have a strong pull in both directions so pretty sure God is telling me something there.


Other good news is figuring out new hobbies I would love to try and that I have the confidence to go try them now! First thing, I miss acting so incredibly much. I'm so mad at myself for stopping because of one of my ex's.  Worst mistake ever. BUT I have an audition next week for a play here :) I haven't acted in so long, so we'll see how it goes! I would also love to get back into bowling leagues, as well as try something new that I'm not gonna put on here yet :)

I'm still on the line about whether or not to volunteer at an animal shelter....I would try to adopt every animal lol so N and I have to talk about that one...and see if I'm strong enough to say no to those sweet little faces.


I feel like there is so much more that happened over the month, but like I said I just can't put it into words. I missed my husband so much and once again he has gone above and beyond to support me through this. Easel hasn't been that mad at me which is wonderful and hopefully we can get Barley back :) I'm so happy to be home AND next month I get to see some really good friends in Kansas for such a beautiful person on her wonderful wedding that I'm lucky to be apart of ANNND my best friend is flying to GA to see me!! Cannot wait!


Until next time loves,
M

Living In Truth

This certain entry has been a long time coming. Things I am so scared to bring out, but if I don't then it will just get worse because I'm letting it win by keeping it secret. Some of you might have realized I haven't been posting on FB the past couple of weeks. Well here's why...




I've been cheating on my husband. Now, before you make judgments, its not what you think. I'm cheating on him with someone named ED. He's my eating disorder, and even though ED is still who I am, I like to separate my ED thoughts and my healthy thoughts, so I make it into another person. It helps keep me sane sometimes because I can't always tell which thought is "real" and what isn't. I'm anorexic. No, I'm not asking for sympathy, no I'm not saying I think everyone around me is heavy or fat and I hate them for it. Yes, I see myself as fat. My body image is totally distorted in my eyes. I hate every ounce of fat I have on my body. There are times I used to just stand in the mirror every day, every hour and sob because I hated looking how I do. Now I have to keep our mirrors covered. I hate everything about myself. I'm still a complete failure in my eyes, one for how I look, two for how I feel like I was am where in life besides getting to marry the best man I know in my life (serious props to my husband though seriously, I'll get into that more later <3). Most people don't know or understand how eating disorder patients think or why they are even afraid to just be around food. Its hard for me to put into words what my thoughts are throughout the day and about every situation I face. I've been reading some things recently and its amazing to see that other people feel the same as me and it helps me realize my own emotions and helps me phrase my own thoughts. One thing that stood out to me the most was, "Imagine having to face your very worst fear everyday. That's what people with eating disorders do every day." Its so scary how true that is. Even just writing that out makes me have tears in my eyes. I have to face my worse fear everyday, and I hate it. I hate fighting with myself as to why I should or shouldn't eat my meal or just even a single bite of something. Each bite is torture for me and even after your done eating the anxiety doesn't go away because you know there is another meal coming. Even at the last meal of the day, all you think about is "I have to go through this again tomorrow. How am I going to be able to keep fighting?" It is a constant battle in your head. It never leaves your thoughts. That's why I wrote "I've been cheating on my husband." It took me awhile to realize, but I am in a relationship with ED. Its all I think about and its all I surround my life around. Every second of everyday I think about things revolving around food, calories, fat grams, carbs, how much I need to exercise to lose weight, how I need to be perfect, how I need to hide my body, how I'm looking, etc. I've tried to fight the truth to that statement, and I still do sometimes. I don't want to let go because its all I know. Its all I know to help cope with stress or anything that goes wrong or makes me feel uncomfortable. There are times I don't want to admit I'm sick because I don't want ED to leave. I don't want to admit I'm not perfect. I strive to be perfect in everything I do. I realize its exhausting, extremely exhausting, but if I'm not perfect then who am I? Real hard thing to face y'all. I had one of my therapists ask me, "Who are you?" and it surprised me so much to not be able to answer him. I felt stupid, I felt scared, I felt vulnerable. How could I not know who I was? I'm 26 years old, and I have no idea who I am? At that point, I felt like I failed myself again. I wasn't perfect because I had no idea who I was/am. (See the vicious cycle?) Now at this point I'm usually asked, "Is gaining a pound that bad?" and to answer that question, yes. To me it is. It terrifies me. Even thinking about gaining a pound makes me want to cry and breakdown. The thing about anorexia, or any other eating disorder in that matter, is that its not really about food or weight (even though it is a true fear). It has to do with things in their life and stuff that's happened in their past and its a way they learned how to cope with it, it was they only way they knew how. I've been battling with anorexia since I was about 9. It's been a long time, and it will be something that I will battle for the rest of my life I think. It would be great if ED just disappeared completely lol but I acknowledge that ED's voices might not ever fully leave, but I will be strong enough at that point to tell him to shut up.


Just because someone is of "average weight" and eating doesn't mean they don't have an eating disorder. There's way more that goes on in the head then most people think. Just because it doesn't seem like someone is having trouble eating doesn't mean that they aren't having ED thoughts SCREAMING at them about every bite they take will just be another pound they'd have to loose, or another ounce of fat that they'd have to get rid of. And yes, I mean screaming. There are times where I'm eating and I've had thoughts screaming in my head saying "Don't eat that, don't take that bite. You'll just gain more weight and you'll get even fatter. Why would you do that to yourself? You've been doing so good skipping meals, don't mess up now. If you eat that, you're going to fail at what you've been trying to do. You won't be perfect." I can seriously go on and on and on with thoughts like that. That's just a small sample of what goes through my head when I try and take a bite of my meal. That usually fits into about 10 seconds lol. Stupid right? Its not to me though. Its real, and its terrifying. If someone offers me just ONE chip or bite of something, it takes everything in me to not breakdown. Anorexia is a very secretive disorder, it makes you hide everything from everyone. I'm ashamed of having it, but in reality I shouldn't be. I need to accept it, kick ED in the butt and then actually live a normal life. A real life. That's why I started writing this. To get ED out there and to let people know about him. If I don't, then its just keeping everything in the dark and that's how ED gets stronger. Secrets. I also wrote this, so if anyone happens to come across this to know that you aren't alone. I've read stories before and it's given me strength to get help. One of my goals in life is to eventually help at least one person with this terrible disease. I'm in no way in a place to do that right now, but eventually :) Everything happens for a reason, so maybe this is why I have struggled with this?


I am SO INCREDIBLY blessed to have married my husband. N has gone above and beyond helping me through this very difficult journey. He knew about it when we started dating because there were always certain foods I couldn't eat and I would never allow myself to weigh myself or eat so much...blah blah. Poor guy didn't know how bad it could get. I started relapsing bad again around when we were wedding planning. I noticed myself staring and feeling my legs, arms and stomach as well as different things I used to do in the past.


I was hospitalized for the first time since I was about 16 because of it. That was in December of last year before we came to Texas for Christmas, then once again in January and then I went back again on March 18th. That was the longest I had been there since the past couple. 13 days. It was terrible, I hate being watched 24/7. Turns out I'm going to be going to a longer treatment center in a couple of weeks. I'm on the waiting list, so we should find out soon when a bed will open. I'll be going to UNC which has a specialized eating disorder program for a couple of months. I am beyond scared, and it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I've heard great things about the program though, so keeping my fingers crossed. I would have never thought I would say okay to going somewhere like that even 3 weeks ago.


I am beyond blessed to have had so many people's support, prayers and well wishes the past couple of weeks. I would have never thought so many people would be there for me or N when we needed it the most. Thank you to every single one of you for everything! Especially those who wrote me letters while I was trapped with no phone :P


I would like to especially say thank you to my husband as well. He has been there with me and has supported me in every way during this difficult journey. I know its not easy for him either, and I am so lucky to have married such an amazing man to be standing next to me fighting. I love you so much!
Also, thank you to my parents for taking Barley for the time being. We miss him so much, but it means the world to us that y'all took him to take care of him while I get better.
I won't be posting all the time about this lol, but there might be a few here and there.


Thank you for reading!
Love,
M

So begins the Lent season. I gave up Pinterest as well as added some things I do on a daily basis that helps guide me in my faith. So happy March everyone! Yesterday I went to the doctors office to pick up some prescriptions and had to sign that I got them. I had to write down the date as well and I asked the receptionist, "What day is it, the 5th right?" She looked at me for a few seconds, looked down at her calendar and said no, its the 12th. LOL I felt SO stupid. We laughed for like 5 minutes about it. No joke. Good thing I knew it was Wednesday though :P
Get ready for some mushy stuff near the end of this blog. Deal with it lol


Since I haven't been able to waste my time with Pinterest (which I always tell myself I'm really doing to improve our house, but lets get real. I have a problem) I have had quite a time to think and pray which is something I have needed to start doing much more. Yeah bad Catholic. I'm not perfect lol. I've been really questioning recently about why things have happened in my past, why God allowed some things happen that I didn't want or having blocked something I really wanted. My dad always told me "everything happens for a reason" as well as "God knows what He's doing, trust Him." For reasons in my past its hard to put trust in anyone and its been a real struggle for me. You'd think I could trust God with everything including Him guiding my life. NOPE. I've had a really hard time letting things happen that are out of my control, even still today I do. Since I've been praying, and some other reasons, I've had a lot of stuff come up from my past that has been on my mind that I always questioned, "Why me?" Sounds selfish but like I said, not perfect. One thing that has always bothered and angered me is not being able to commit to the Air Force. I am 100% patriotic and I have the utmost respect for all military members. Before I decided to join, I was majoring in psychology which I loved, but after some pretty rough stuff that happened around that time I wanted to do something more, to better myself, and to help others. So I researched endlessly on all the branches and decided to follow in my dad's footsteps and join the Air Force. I went to the recruiting office, everything went perfect minus I had to wait to go to basic. I swore into their DEP program which stands for Delayed Entrance Program, so basically once or twice a month we'd get together and had a meeting and PT'd with our recruiter. I loved every minute of it. I cleared MEPS and after awhile I found out that I was going to be a security officer. Which I was still really excited about even though I was a small woman lol. A couple of months before my basic date, I started getting chest pains pretty bad and was getting really really sick after I worked out. I talked to my recruiter and I finally decided to go to the doctor to get it checked out before the final swear in. Turns out that my blood pressure drops way way low when I work out to a dangerous level. The doctor told me at the time that there was nothing that I could do, it might go away when I got older. Perfect. So I told my recruiter and we agreed that not going to basic would be the best. I had waited 8 months. 8 months of my life preparing to go into the service, preparing for such an exciting journey I was really wanting to start. I was supposed to leave for basic the next month. I was so devastated. I had no idea what I was going to do since I had dropped out of college for the time being to join, and now I pretty much wasted eight months of my life. At least it seemed like that to me. I started to looking into Vet Tech schools and there was one school in Houston that I got accepted into -- there weren't that many in Texas. Turns out financially I wasn't able to go to that school. There were a few other schools, but all needed some type of experience and an extra class I hadn't taken. So I was out of luck. I felt like everything was falling around me, and no matter what I tried nothing was working. Then I FINALLY got a wonderful opportunity to work at a vet hospital as a vet assistant. I was so so blessed I had such great friends to give me that opportunity. I loved every minute of it, but I was also working at another job at the time and literally had NO time to take the class I needed to apply to the two other schools in Texas. After awhile I was able to change my schedule a bit and take that one class I needed. Turns out the professor was terrible. Over half the class dropped. There was literally 5 people left including me, and then I finally dropped it because I was doing so bad. I'm usually a great student so I was mad at myself and SO frustrated that I was "stuck" again and that my life was going no where. Then that's around the time I met my husband. Thinking back, I kept asking God why this was happening and why what I was praying for was not happening? (How selfish right?) Turns out He really was answering my prayers, just not the way I wanted it. If I joined the Air Force, I would have never been able to meet N since he's an officer and two I wouldn't have had a friend help me meet him if I hadn't gotten the job at the vet and if I had gone to school I wouldn't be in the city to be able to get the opportunity to meet him. He has absolutely has been THE best blessing I have ever had. I've been going through a really rough time recently and I couldn't imagine anyone else being at my side more than he has. No one has been as supportive, loving and patient than my wonderful husband. I thank God everyday for sending him to me, and thank God everyday I didn't delete my online dating page the night he messaged me which I had previously planned to. This has really made me realize that no matter how much I feel out of control in life, that I need to trust in our Lord. He is the only one that knows what's best for us, and He knows what is the best way to get us there. When N and I started dating the song "God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton had just came out on the radio and every time I left his house, or he left my apartment the song would come on. No joke. He said the same thing, and we both felt like it was supposed to be our song. Listening to the lyrics now makes me tear up to how true they are, and how much they mean to both of us.

I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately
Ain't who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you
Gave me you

There's more here than what we're seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You'll always be love's great martyr
And I'll be the flattered fool
And I need you
Yeah!

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

On my own I'm only
Half of what I could be
I can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you, gave me you
He gave me you 
--Blake Shelton--

The beginning and the chorus are my absolute favorite and make me tear up thinking how true and beautiful our relationship is. I wish I could let N know how much he means to me, and how much he's helped me through this storm that seems to keep blowing, but I'm terrible at speaking my emotions haha I'm better at writing. I feel stronger with him by my side, and you also know you married the right guy when he reminds you to say the rosary and helps you become closer with God every single day.

Thank you my love for everything you do. I know I don't tell you everyday, but you mean more to me than anything, even Easel :P I love you so very much and I'm so glad God gave me you. Love you the mostest time infinity squared :)

M


WELL, I have failed at this whole blogging thing. I would say I've been pretty busy (which is mostly true), but mainly it's just because I couldn't think of anything worthwhile (or exciting) to write about. Bloggers block?





NOW I DO! Get excited, because I am.






We have FINALLY found out where we're going after N graduates in April. We were supposed to find out in December or something, buuuut that didn't happen haha. So it's been kind of stressful not knowing where we're going in less than two months, but God has his reasons for everything so we were being patient :). Turns out we're not going anywhere! N and I will be staying where we are right now in Georgia. The only downside --to me-- there's no traditional Mass. There are so many plus sides though :)  Like I said before, and N completely agrees, God has a reason for everything and we need to trust him. Things can obviously change at any time, but as of right now we know where we'll be at :).






Next on the list -- Puppy training!






OH MY GOODNESS. There are times I want to pull my hair out, sit down in a ball and just plain ugly cry. I can't even count the number of bruises on my legs and arms from Barley jumping and trying to grab my clothes. I do have to admit he has gotten a lot better with mouthing and nipping though. He still jumps on me a lot, and snaps his teeth when he's mad at us for saying no to something, but there is a definite difference when he mouths us. He starts to, then you can tell he realizes what he's doing (most of the time) and he slowly softens his bite or lets go. When he's going for our clothes he tries to pinch just the clothes, but of course he accidently grabs our skin. SO PROUD of his accomplishments so far though :)






There is one thing he has picked up...pinching my bottom. Yes, you read that right. For the past couple of weeks when he gets really excited and jumps on me, I've been turning around to ignore him and he doesn't like that. He loves attention. So he gets frustrated at me, and with his very front teeth, pinches my bottom...hard...until I turn around. If I try and leave he just keeps grabbing me or jumping on me. I. HATE. IT.






 The only other thing I'd like to change is his listening to us when we call him, especially from outside. We haven't quite mastered that yet, which I feel like we should so I get more frustrated than I probably should. We can't leave him in the backyard by himself, since he likes to dig, eat rocks, and pull grass by the roots then eat the dirt. Yep. Special. We stand out there until he does his business, sometimes play Frisbee (there's a funny story to that I'll get to in a bit) and when he's done some running around we call him in. There have been times where we call him in, then he runs off and starts digging. When we try and get his leash on him or tell him no he starts running around us and then grabs grass or digs. SUPER ANNOYING. I'd like to point out he's freakishly large size for a 5 month old dog lol. He weighs over 60lbs for sure, and I'm guessing over 70 now but not sure. So when I try and get him in, all he does is pull and I fall or something like that. There are times where I have gotten so mad at his nipping and running and jumping that I HAVE to pull him in by his legs. Sounds SO mean, but seriously y'all, there is no other way and I'm really gentle and I'm pretty sure he thinks its a game. Sometimes he jumps up and I grab his front two paws and we "walk" together to his kennel lol. Anyways, I'm pretty sure our neighbors probably think I'm so mean to our dog by what I say to him when he's being a jerk in the backyard lol. Swear I'm not!






We have tried countless ways to teach Barley different things, but the only thing that has worked so far is his training collar. I have never liked them, and if there was any other way I would do it, but we seriously have tried everything else! He instantly listened when we first tried it with a trainer since he suggested it. It worked wonders for a bit! It still does, and there are times where he doesn't even need to wear it :). The only other thing that works with me when he gets too rough is a spray bottle. Its not often, but I try and use that more than the collar. N is good at showing Barley who the alpha is, but with my size and tiny voice I stink at it lol. Good thing he listens to the water bottle. He knows now when I pull it out to sit down and relax. Since he's better at listening, I've been able to work with more clicker training. I had tried before, but like I said...nothing worked. His new favorite game is "Find it." I take a small treat, tell him to sit and stay, then I hide it (while he watches) and he stays until I tell him to "find it." He's pretty good at it! He gets so excited when I tell him we're going to play it. He shakes because he can barely handle the excitement! The next game he likes is "fetch." He LOVES his Frisbee and has started to bring it back when you ask, BUT his game is he'll come right up to you and then run away so you can't touch it. I've started kneeling down for him to get closer, and if I don't grab for it, he'll walk circles around me and even rub the Frisbee on my back or arm to entice me haha. It's pretty funny. Overall he's a really sweet dog :) He's perfect at "sitting," almost perfect at "laying down" and we're half way there to "stay" haha. He stays, but only for a short time. He's getting it though!






Easel, our three legged kitty is doing wonderful when Barley isn't trying to lick him haha. He (and I) have enjoyed sunny warm days the past few days! It makes me so excited for summer time. Hopefully we can make it to the beach at some point! I am so over the cold! We had a snow storm a couple of weeks ago, then a huge ice storm where trees broke and power went out last week and an earthquake on Friday. It was so crazy! I give mad props to all the people who worked for the electric company and their families. They worked so hard to get all the power back up and running.





I tried posting some pictures of the storms but for some reason it won't upload




Until next time y'all :)

Happy New Year everyone!!






N and I got back from Texas the other day. Let's just say that was an interesting adventure. We left earlier than we had planned because we both got pretty sick which means we couldn't see everyone we had wanted to :( Sorry if we didn't get to see you and we had plans!! Traveling with a puppy and a cat with two pretty sick people is not very fun. At all. God was really there for us during that trip!







Last year (that sounds weird) was a HUGE year for me. Here are some highlights and just mainly for myself to look back and remember since everyone probably knows most of them :)







N and I had our first official New Years Kiss -- Don't have a picture, but we celebrated with N's high school friend. It was really fun getting to meet them all too :) N and I were together for going into 2012, but he was in Oregon at the time and I was in the great state of Texas so no New Years Kiss.






This past Valentine's Day was our first Valentine's Day we were physically together for as well. The first one, N was deployed, so it meant so much to me that he was home. That is also not to say he didn't make the first one very special, because he did <3. I love all holidays, including Valentine's Day...which I know most people hate. For some reason I include it on the list of holidays I like to celebrate and love :) I'm a dork and proud of it. I've always loved romance, so haters can hate all they want. I don't cuuuurrrr.

I walked in my first DEEP snow! This was my first time in Oregon, and first time snow tubing and wearing real snow clothes. I looked like the kid from The Christmas Story. I had a picture somewhere, but I can't find it so I'll just leave you with this. Its pretty much the same.

                                                            Yes...I looked just like that









Moving on... last year N and I got MARRIED! Whhhatttt?!

Look at that bling bling

 

Last year was also the first time I've ever been outside of the US. We went to Honduras, Belize and Cozumel on a cruise, which was also our FIRST cruise :). It was absolutely one of the best times I've ever had. Minus Belize...we almost died thanks to my adventurous husband.

 



This would have been the last picture of me before we died :P Totally kidding...kinda
 

 

I also got to mark off one of my bucket list items and swam with dolphins and a manatee!!

The look of pure and utter happiness...with some salt water in my eyes

 

 

Another big thing was N won tickets, hotel and flight to the iHeartRadio concert in Las Vegas the weekend before we moved. It was SO fun! We got to see so many amazing (and not so amazing) performers.

 

We were wayyyyyyyyyy up top, but who cares?! It was free!



 

 

I also moved, for the first time ever, out of the state of Texas. I did want to get a picture of me holding onto the sign "Now leaving Texas" and N pulling my legs, but we weren't able to get one :P.

 

"You can take a girl out of Texas, but you can't take Texas out of the girl" -- So true for this year, and every year I'm not there.

 

N and I also got our very first puppy :) he's a huge handful..and by huge I literally mean huge. He's 16 weeks and 50lbs now. He is going to be one big dog.

 

He was only 13 weeks here, look at that monster!

 

 

There is so much more we did this past year, but it's to the point of I can't put all of the awesome onto this blog. This past year was such a monumental one for me, and for N as well. 2014 is going to be a pretty legit year as well hopefully :). We're going to be moving somewhere again, still don't know where yet and probably won't know for a bit. Moving was a mess last time, but at least we got one out of the way! Long road trips aren't what they're cracked up to be either folks. 

 

Just looking at pictures from the past year made me realize how amazing the past year was. So many of us tend to focus on the negative things in life and not really remember the positive. I completely include myself in that, and I am going to do everything this year to remember good things that happen, no matter how dim they may seem to be at the time.

Hope everyone enjoyed Christmas and their New Years and ready to get back to daily lives!

-M

I'd also like to note that this is probably the worst entry yet...but I have been working on it for days and I just want to be done with it already. Time to move on to something new!