Pants

 

Look at these pants. They wouldn't be anyone's downfall, but they were for me a few weeks ago. I did not realize I had not worn these pants in about 3 years, until I put them on and had a full out meltdown. Sure they still fit, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was they fit SO differently than what I remember. I've been doing well...ups and downs like anyone in recovery, but man. When I put these on, so many urges came flooding back ALL day. I wanted to over work out, I wanted to purge, I wanted to restrict, I was having suicidal ideations. ALL OVER PANTS. Y'all....what in the world. I cried all day off and on. I pulled myself into a shell again and was irritable and quiet. Even N noticed something and when I told him he understood. He's pretty amazing that way. I can realistically can look at it and think it's so stupid, but at the same time it's not. It was real for me and caused me so much anxiety and if I'm being honest (which is the whole point of this blog) I'm still extremely anxious and struggling about it. I can't seem to be okay with my body now. I was at a point where I didn't HATE my body because of the two babies I had. Now it's hard to stop the self hate talk and negative emotions. Before I was able to redirect my thoughts or think of something positive (like the kiddos), but now it's hard and I just don't want to work at it. Why? Probably because I've been doing this for over half my damn life. I'm tired, and there are times that I just don't want to anymore. I don't want to have to constantly fight myself. It's hard fighting your brain and your thoughts when they aren't healthy, because what is real? I see myself completely different than what other people do, then what the scale says, then what medical professionals say. How can I fight what I see and feel? I've been doing it so much, especially the last 8 years. 

I need to keep doing it though. I need to keep fighting, because I can't let ED win. I can't let my kids see me fail, or see me struggle and give up. I need to be there for them, and I need to be there for my husband...even our fur babies because goodness are they spoiled! I need to do this for myself too, even though I don't want to, because I deserve recovery. We all do! I've put so much time and effort into recovery that it would just be like slapping me in the face 8 years ago, when I didn't think I'd be where I am today. I dreamed of a day where I didn't cry at every meal, hell...even just having a mint like I did at the hospital once 😳. I've come so far, and at times when things start spiraling downward, it's hard to see how far you have come. Am I still tired? YES! Am I going to give up? No, but that doesn't mean I will be perfect and not struggle. I need to give myself grace, because like it or not, it's how my brain works and it's what I've done for way over half my life. Of course it's going to be the easiest thing for me, but at least now I'm actually fighting my thoughts and not just listening to ED right away. I promise you will get there too! <3

In other news, we're moving to Washington State! Lord help this Texan/southern girl. I HATE the cold as you can see by my face in the picture below. 😂 

Believe in yourself, because I do. Keep fighting friends!

<3 M