I have super powers??

“I have super powers?”I ran across this the other day:) 

I laughed SO hard! I loved it!

Then it actually got me thinking. I actually did think (and still do sometimes) that my eating disorder and everything that goes along with it was a super power. When people asked me how I could go so long without eating, I felt powerful and strong. The one thing I had control over, even though that was a subconscious thought. I still have trouble eating, but I’m doing much better than I was. Though, continuously getting stomach bugs isn’t helping -_-. In a way, I guess the other ways I deal with things I view as a super power too. Y’all, I’m a pro at avoiding feeling emotions, dealing with conflicts and probably a bunch of other stuff that I’m actually avoiding thinking about right now haha. Is this going to help me get better though?? Not at all.

This was perfect for me to come across, as my appointment this week, my doctor (the awesome man that he is) finally made me realize that I am STILL avoiding allowing myself to feel the pain, hurt, sadness, fear, loneliness and whatever else I’m feeling that I haven’t figured out yet about N leaving and a bunch of other things that are too much to talk about right now. Yes, I married a soldier and yes, I know what I was “asking” for even though I hate when people say that. Though I don’t necessarily think it is a “super power,” I think a small part of me does in a way because it’s a way to protect myself from something that just hurts too much. I hate feeling pain, both physical and emotional, but honestly if I could pick I would rather pick the physical, which explains why I used to cut myself. I’m about to get real “kumbaya” on y’all for a minute. We need to let ourselves feel, you will literally go crazy and it will come out in other ways without you meaning for it to. It isn’t healthy to keep it stuffed down in your pretty little latched box. Love yourself, be kind to yourself, forgive yourself and take care of yourself. Part of that is allowing yourself to feel things to be able to move past them.

I’ve been stuck for a long time now about allowing myself to feel certain things we’re working on. I honestly do try because I’m realizing it truly does help, but there is like a wall blocking me from allowing myself to feel it. I think I’m so used to blocking out all the emotions that I’m not really quite sure HOW to let myself feel everything. There’s times where it obviously comes out, aka the legit panic attacks I had not too long ago. Since I’ve had them, I’ve been working so tirelessly allowing myself to feel so it doesn’t happen again, but I fail every time because it’s like my brain doesn’t want me to think about it.

This isn’t a super power guys, this is hell. I’m in my brain all day continuously fighting myself or over-analyzing something or even just obsessing over certain thoughts and then trying to just distract myself so I don’t have to deal with the uncomfortableness.   When I let myself feel in my doctor’s office, I feel like same thing as I felt when I cut myself or when I purged after eating. That numb and tired feeling you get. Most of you have no idea what I’m talking about, but it’s real. So, I KNOW that allowing myself to feel emotions works and is so healthy, then why can’t I just allow myself to do it? Good question……I’ll get back to you on that haha.

Among other news, I don’t think my house will ever be clean again haha. Single parenting is the pitts.

-M