Last month was PTSD awareness month. With all the craziness of single parenthood including the fur babies, I hadn’t had time to really post about this. PTSD awareness is very near and dear to my heart. One being because my husband is in the military and it breaks my heart that so many service members do struggle with this and try and keep it a secret. The next being, I myself have experienced it and was diagnosed with it. When I was first told I had PTSD, I laughed and said I was never in combat. I was never in a war, I never experienced anything that would cause me to have it. I was wrong because the only thing I ever learned growing up about PTSD was that it was from veterans. Which it is and definitely needs to be talked about!
My PTSD was from a continuous rape. I had no idea I was because the person always said I asked for it or some how blamed it on me and I, of course believed him. Everything is always my fault, right?? 😉 (Not the case though! I’m learning at least.) Then because of what happened, I thought I had to be with that person forever. I had no idea you could get PTSD from something like that, but it does make sense. It took me awhile to believe my treatment team, since I blamed myself for nearly 10 years. It wasn’t my fault though, and I learned that. There are times I still question when things get overwhelming, but when I calm my anxiety and take a step back, it was never my fault. Someone who was sick made me believe it was, and I can’t let them do that to me any more.
PTSD can come from anything traumatic, which is what I learned. Your brain does amazing things to protect itself. Not always the best, but it does what it knows to keep you safe. There’s a lot I want to type about what I went through, but I’m not quite ready to share it. I’ve been thinking of a book, maybe?! Who knows! Just know that doing trauma work in therapy is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I had to relive some of the worst times of my life over and over again. I had to remember things I buried so deep down that I blocked them until we started talking and working through things. Having that memory, and feelings, including physical, being relived is a nightmare. I can’t even imagine others who have gone through something worse than me and having to do the same thing. It breaks my heart, but I can also tell them that it really does work. You just have to be patient. You’ll stop having the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the anxiety around things that may trigger you.
I can still feel him touching me, I can feel myself getting physically sick because I have no idea what to do and I’m just so scared that I can’t move. My brain goes dead, is what it feels like. It really messed me up, and sadly still affects me to some extent today, but I know that one day I will look back and know that I have overcome this obsticle. I am very lucky to have married the man that I did, and to have met the treatment team that I have now. I would not be able to say I worked through it without them. They’ve helped me uncover so many things about myself that I never would have if I didn’t meet them. God placed every single one who has helped me along this rough path of finding myself, and I couldn’t be happier.
I’ve been in a weird mood recently. I was going to type this in a later blog, but who knows when that will be…(thanks Emma haha). I’ve realized that I’m at a point in recovery and just life in general where I’m really starting to figure out who I am. It’s freaking me out. What if no one likes who I really am/who I want to be. I’ve always been the dork, loser or weird girl growing up. I still remember being made fun of in middle school and high school. I was weird, I get it, and I’m okay with that now! I still am weird, I love Harry Potter. I love animals a little too much, I love storms, I love things people don’t usually like. I AM okay with that though! It’s a weird concept for me to grasp. I have never been as confident or “self loving” as I am today. Though, I still have a LONG way to go, I am realizing that I need to be okay with who I am. I need to take care of myself, I need to do the things I love to make myself happy. I was always told that you need to take care of yourself before you take care of others, I always thought that would be selfish on my part. I helped take care of people all the time, but honestly I’m starting to understand and believe that saying. I vowed to myself when N deployed that I would really focus and work on myself. I would really work hard on fixing myself so that nothing gets transferred to our daughter. I wanted to be a better wife when he got home, I wanted to be a better mother, and I wanted to be a better person in general. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs, mainly downs ;), and I feel like I’ve been selfish because I’ve been isolating a lot. Though that’s not always good, I think it’s helped me. I’m an introvert, like woah. I’m also learning I’m an introvert because I’m scared of what people think of me. I’m pushing myself to do things that are uncomfortable for me and it’s extremely hard and has been causing me to have panic attacks, but I’ve never learned more about myself. DANG, my doctor was right haha. I still fight him, and myself on things I do NEED to do, but every step is getting me to where I want to be. I’ve never felt like this before, and it honestly is freaking me out. I go back and forth a lot, it’s a constant and tiring roller coaster, but I learned this week that it’s only because I have thought one way for so long. Starting something new after doing it one way your whole life is going to take awhile. I need to be patient with myself, just like everyone needs to be patient with themselves. Famous words from my doctor that I will always remember, “You need to be uncomfortable to BE comfortable.” I never really truly understood that phrase until recently. Thank you again for helping me.
I’ve always said this to myself, but believing it is completely different. Do what you love, do what makes you happy. Take care of yourself, push yourself to be better and absolutely always believe in yourself. I feel like things are changing for me, and though its scary, it’s making me excited to see where I’m headed and who I will actually become. Like me or not? I don’t care 🙂
<3
M
Again, for those who just started reading. I don’t go back and reread what I typed. I just let it flow and post it. If it doesn’t make sense, so be it 😀
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