Mom Guilt

We all have it…moms that is. Why should we though? I struggle every week in therapy with a ton of things, but one that keeps showing up is mom guilt.  Dun dun duuunnnn.

Perfect example was this past Wednesday. I got my third….yes THIRD…stomach bug of the year. Had to be when N was gone, am I right? -_- Luckily I was physically able to still semi take care of little E, but I had to make a nest on the couch for myself and I propped her in her little seat I got at Walmart and let her watch TV all day while I laid on the couch dying and trying not to throw up everywhere. Thursday was very close to the same thing, but I did have some energy to sit up with her while she played. I felt like SUCH a bad mom! I’ve already been struggling letting her watch cartoons in the morning for 5-10 minutes while I eat my breakfast. People tell me its okay, N is gone and I need to do things so you can eat. I mean I do let her play on her mat first, but she’s been getting super tired of that quickly so I switch at the end to the amazing show E loves called “Super Why”. It gives me a little bit to actually finish what I made to eat, but that still doesn’t help me not feel so guilty. For real though, why should I feel guilty over something that I couldn’t control? I would have gotten sick all over her if I sat up. I tried getting a sitter, but that didn’t work. I also didn’t want to ask for help because I knew this thing was so contagious and the people I knew who would help had little ones just like me. I’m not getting their children sick.

Do you know how many articles and Facebook posts and comments I have read that “mom shame”?? It’s insane and I always told myself I’m going to do what’s best for our family and that I wouldn’t take anyone so seriously, sadly that doesn’t make the comments that I had already read — or told– leave my mind. The worst was breastfeeding. There are still times I blame myself for little E’s development because I couldn’t give her enough breastmilk. I tried it, was able to give her some the first few weeks of life, but my body just hit a point and then regressed. I fed her and pumped. I tried teas and cookies, medicines and herbs and everything you can think of and nothing. I finally was so tired of only pumping an ounce at a time (which took me 45 minutes to get) after the 45 minutes I fed little E. Then I got to do it again 30-45 minutes later! I blamed myself so much. I had a very great doctor, who N and I admire and is dear to our family so much, tell me that if I couldn’t breastfeed to not blame myself. That E will be okay on formula and do just as well. I keep telling myself what he said to me, but there’s always that doubt in my mind that I get when she isn’t progressing like she should. Is it my fault she’s no where near crawling? Is it my fault she just started being able to sit up by herself? I mean, I did try and eat the same amount as my nutritionist told me after I had her, but I struggled. Just as I struggled in pregnancy. I ate the right foods, I even ate foods I told myself I’d never eat again and it did nothing. I couldn’t provide for my daughter the way I “should” have been able to and it killed me inside. Hell, it still kills me. **Not gonna lie, with N being gone I probably wouldn’t have survived breastfeeding too haha!** I know though, that I did try. I did everything I could in my power and it just didn’t happen. AND THAT’S OKAY! Did I just say (type) that out loud? You bet I did. Do I believe it? Not all the time, but sometimes and that’s better then where I was at a few months ago.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I pull out E’s bottle of formula when we’re out still get to me, and I feel like I have to justify myself and explain everything. I don’t though, NO ONE DOES. It’s not hurting E and I’m giving her the food she needs that my body, for whatever reason couldn’t provide. She’s had formula since day 3 of her birth, She didn’t want to eat the first few days haha, to supplement and she’s been doing so well since.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I pull out pre made baby food, because I literally don’t have time to cook and make food for E since I’m taking care of a household that include 4 pets that need one on one attention right now. I don’t even have time to cook myself a real meal. The most I get at night is left overs I had from going out at lunch or a bagel or I just heated up some pasta. I always plan to make crock pot stuff, but I get so busy that I forget to start it until about 3 whenever E is asleep for her nap haha #momlife, Yes, I plan on making E’s food when N gets home when I have the time and energy to. Right now this is the best I can do and if you’re not okay with that, then go away. No one wants a hater. Even if I didn’t plan to, still…go away.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I give E a pacifier. Girl look, she honestly never asks for a paci. We use it when she goes to sleep and when we go out because she has some lungs on her. Even if she did ask, I would give it to her. She’s not obsessed or attached. Its not hurting her right now, and it helps keep me sane when we’re out doing errands and I’m trying to focus on checking out or at a doctors appointment.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I tell people we didn’t co sleep. No I did not want my daughter in the same bed as my husband and me. Mainly because he was leaving and we needed that time for just the two of us. Second, even if he wasn’t leaving I felt it necessary to keep the bed to just us two and I wouldn’t have been able to sleep if she was in bed with fear of killing her. We did have her in a bassinet right next to our bed which was wonderful. There are times I do want her in bed with me right now, because I want to snuggle or I’m really missing N, but I know that isn’t something I want her getting used to. It’s my personal choice and I’m okay with that.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I say my daughter is at Mother’s Day Out. Yes, I take my daughter twice a week for 4 hours each time for someone to watch her. I have doctor appointments that makes it very difficult to have her at. Even if I didn’t have appointments AND if my husband wasn’t away for so long, it’s okay for me to do that. She needs the development skills it comes with and she needs to learn she’ll be okay without me for a bit. It breaks my heart every time I drop her off, but ever since she’s started, she’s progressed even more in therapy. That’s a plus in my book, that and I get a few hours to myself kinda haha.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I tell people that I let my dogs and cats around E. That I actually let the dogs lick her *gasp!* They’re part of our family and always will be. E loves with the dogs kiss her. Don’t like it, don’t care. Have a good day.

I could go on and on, but it’s close to my bedtime. This momma needs sleep.

The point of this post was to vent of course, but also to know that if you’re struggling with mom guilt, that you aren’t the only one. I promise you! What you do with your child is your business. Unless it’s hurting them mentally or physically then you need to do what’s best for you and your family. Might that be a few minutes of tv a day to having the cursed thing called formula. We’re all trying to learn to be the best parents for our children. Pray and take it one day at a time. I’m here for you if you need to talk! I’ll just stare and make ugly faces though haha just kidding.

<3 M