The big D

Well folks, we're on our first big D as a married couple. By big D, I mean deployment. Dun dun duuuunnn. The horrid thing that separates spouses from families, that separates couples, that has people going to war, but that has people keeping us safe...and giving us the beautiful thing of freedom.

A lot of people think that the military life is like flowers and happy sunshines. I mean, when you see pictures like this, it looks like we're happy go lucky! It's a lie...all lies...

Aren't we cute?! Picture credit to BG Photography! Book with her, do it! You won't be disappointed.

Now, I'm being very negative. I'm very proud to be Nick's wife and love our life even though it is hard, but the big D does things to you haha.

With all that said, I want my husband back. I'm home alone with our 4 month old daughter, one who won't remember her daddy being there when she was born and there with her the first 4 months of her life, it breaks my heart. No child remembers, but she just won't get to grow up in her first year with him here. I'm so proud of my husband and I miss him with every ounce of my being, I just hate it for him AND for little E. The military is really great at messing things up sometimes for families, but that's part of the sacrifice families give, so that their spouse can serve their country.

It's been really difficult for us. Okay really, it's just been difficult for me. Pity party of one right here. I miss him, I miss him walking through the door at night to see us, I miss watching him with little E and of course the fur babies too. I miss watching our shows together, I even miss just kissing him goodnight, I miss my absolute best friend. I'm doing everything I can to continue eating even though ED says "Don't." I want more than anything to not eat, to get that numb feeling so I don't have to focus on how tough this really is, but I know that's not possible. Now, I'm not gonna sit here a say that I eat everything I'm supposed to, but I'm doing better than what I thought I would be. I'm needing to get out more though. I realized yesterday that I had only left the house a few times since N left. I'm comfortable at home and when I'm upset or my depression worsens I stay at home. At the time it feels good and that's why I do it, but is that going to help me though? No, not at all, it will just make it worse. Don't follow my footsteps people!

I'm going to share the exciting things of the day they leave. You don't know when exactly they leave, then they change the date, change the date again, change it again and oh wait again! Honestly, this time wasn't bad...so that makes me think the coming home is going to be terrible haha. Then you get to THE day of them leaving. Y'all, its torture. We were in the gym for 6 hours I think? Just sitting there and waiting for that time to say goodbye. There's a lot of "waiting" in the military, it's called "hurry up and wait." It's so true! How about we just make it short and sweet. Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for the extra time we got with him...but come on folks. We're already sad, we've been crying for weeks, we didn't sleep much the night before and we're in a room full of crying and depressed people. Who wants to do that for 6+ hours?! NO ONE! I don't know one single person that loves doing that. Give us like 30 minutes to an hour and then leave. We know it's coming, we know they're leaving and we've known about it for a long time. Just do it already! Next deployment though, you bet I'll be waiting those long hours again!

This is our final goodbye...can someone pass the tissues??😭

Not having him here stinks, really bad. In all honesty though, I had a much harder time in the pre-deployment phase because of all the worrying and "what if's." My doctor and I literally worked on dealing with the deployment for 9 months in therapy before it actually happened. When did I actually allow myself to deal with it?? After they left haha. I'm stressed, sure, but now that it's here I don't have to anticipate the hurt that comes with saying "goodbye" because it's happened. Nothing I can do. In reality there was nothing I could do before either, but now that it's here I can focus and get excited about him coming home! It's going to be awhile....but still! Who's ready for homecoming?! This girl RIGHT here! Yes, I may or may not be searching for a coming home outfit already. Don't judge.

Word of advice, countdowns are great, but I'm going to try and focus on counting down the months instead of days (even though we don't have a date yet). You just focus on the huge number and get upset by how far you have left. We all know I obsess over numbers already, why make it worse for myself?? I'll keep y'all updated on how this goes though.

Here are a few pictures our wonderful photographer, Bethany, took of us before he left. It was so hard to choose, so I'm posting more than I had planned haha.