Distraction

 Distraction. I'm a pro at it. 

Is distraction a good or bad thing? What are you thoughts? Write them below! I'd love to know what other people think.

I think too much of anything isn't good...in my opinion. I'm a pro at distraction, because I don't want to feel anything. My brain gets so overwhelmed. Feelings scare me and are too much to bare that I rather just avoid everything all together. Whether it be scrolling through my phone, pulling my eyelashes and eyebrows, cleaning or doing something else. I've had a lot of feelings recently. Too much for me to handle, so I've stuffed them down. Way....WAY down. Part of me just doesn't want to deal with it because I just don't have the energy or mental capacity to figure things out or even to just to process things. I also feel that I feel too deeply. That my emotions and feelings are so strong (more than a typical person) that they scare me, because I have no idea what to do with them. Is it that, or is it because I just hold everything in for so long that it builds? That's a question to ask you therapist folks haha. I have no idea, I've had one therapist tell me it probably is that I keep it down, but it could also be the fact that I do feel extreme things, but was never allowed to "feel or show" them. Who knows?! 

A big side of being so good at distraction, you avoid things so much that they build up to a point where you don't even know what you're avoiding. You can feel it festering inside though and it causes my anxiety to spiral uncontrollably, but when I try and really think about and process why I'm feeling the way I am....my brain just shuts down. It's like, "not today my friend, lets go do something else that's more productive." Or, "you can't handle this right now, do everything else so it seems like you have your sh*t together." "If I act like I can't handle things, or seem like I'm relapsing or even just overwhelmed. I failed, and people think I'm weak or can't do anything."  -- Dang brain.

I think right now I'm trying to find a purpose, because I just don't feel like I have one. I have my purpose to keep my kids happy and healthy and love my husband, which is important. But for some reason I feel empty...not because I don't want to be a wife and a mom, but for some strange reason I just need something else. There's times where I wish I knew what I was good at. I'm 34 and I have no idea what I'm good at or why I am here. I know what I love; I love working with animals and helping them, I love acting and theater, and I love advocating and speaking about eating disorders. Am I actually good at that though? And how is it even possible to pursue those things when my husband is in the military with us moving constantly and having 2 young kids, one being special needs. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, this is just one way I get things out that I just haven't dealt with or don't want to. Most of this I think I just need radical acceptance, but MAN do I hate that. I literally cringe when I hear it or "go with the flow.' UGH NO THANK YOU! I think the most frustrating part is feeling like you have to start over whenever you move. Whether it be with therapists, doctors, finding new friends or even to do something I love. Maybe that should be my New Years resolution?😅

New Years resolutions are hard for me, because I never feel good enough to do them or that I can't do it right. Makes sense right? I know I need to do something for myself this year, but I'm scared of starting new things, because its probably just not going to work out. I will either fail or have to quit it because we have to move, or money constraints or it won't be perfect or something else, and that hurts me deeply. You can kinda see my perfectionist side here too haha. Huge reason why I stink at updating my blog because I always get in my head of "people don't really care or want to read that." Things need to change though, I need to change.

The others I have come up with are to be more open, mainly to N...about what I need, what I feel and how things make me feel. Also to be more assertive to things that I would like rather then just do whatever.

Anyone have any New Year Resolutions? Obviously this blog will be one again...but we shall see haha!😂

<3 M

The reality of PCSing

I always do this, tell myself I'm going to be awesome and bada** at posting and then LIFE! We officially have PCS'd (permanent change of station) from Alabama to Washington State. 

Lord have mercy, y'all....2 cars, 2 kids (one with sensory needs), 4 animals (2 of which have extreme car anxiety) and LOTS of miles. It is over though! We've been here for a month, and let me tell you...this PCS was an adventure.

We saw my family and some friends in Texas for a week! It has been awhile since we had been back, so it was just great to see everyone and prep for our long journey. It took 2 days to get there from Alabama, but wasn't too bad compared to our like 10 day trip haha. After we left Austin area, we headed to El Paso to see my grandmother and uncle, turns out one of our dogs was so stressed she kept holding in her poop (at least most of it) so we had to take her to the vet on our way into El Paso, after stopping in mid west Texas, to make sure she was alright. That morning E woke up sick, so instead of seeing my nana and uncle, I had to do the old covid distance visit which broke me. I hated not being able to hug them and it had been years since I've been able to see them. Luckily Emma just had a cold, which we knew but since both were high risk I could not let anything happen just in case. So instead of staying the night, we visited them and waited outside the vet for Zoey to get done and then proceeded to our next destination which was a total of 10 hours or more?? We tried to keep it from 4-5 hours for the animals and kids sooooo it was definitely a lot more 😂😭

We drove to see the Grand Canyon on our trip out west, which was a huge bucket list item for me! Pictures do not do this place justice you guys...it is breathtaking! I wish we could have hiked down and explored, but we were only really able to be there for 30 minutes because of the trip back to the hotel and the kids. If you get a chance, definitely go see this beautiful place! We actually did two bucket list items...pictures are down below :)

After a few more stops..,and seeing Nick's family on our way through Oregon, we made it to our...what little E calls our "Blue house." We purchased the house a few months ago from another military family...and this is just going to be another blog post haha. I can't right now, I've already lived it...I don't want to go through it again just yet! They definitely did not clean their house for a few months...so lets just leave it at that for now lol.

Now that things have settled...the reality of finding a new doctor/therapist is creeping in. The worst part of being part of the military life that is the hardest for me....starting over. Learning to trust someone new, having to go through my whole life piece by piece again (the darkest bits) to catch up the new therapist. I've been avoiding it, because honestly I just don't want to do it again. It's draining and I don't trust people very well. Having to push myself to actually call to make an appointment, having to actually go to the appointment, get out of my car and force myself to walk in, having to see if we "mesh well" and if we don't then needing to have to start the process over to find someone new depletes any extra energy that I have that I don't give to the kids. So how else am I going to get the energy to do this? How am I going to find the will to want to get up and start over again? How am I going to just start googling, or looking at my resources for a new therapist? How am I going to get the nerve up to call someone to set up an initial appointment?

I have absolutely no idea, but it needs to happen. It needs to happen, because I'm not my eating disorder. I'm not going to allow it to take over my life and take me away from my husband and kids. I WILL NOT let my kids see the worst side of my ED. I will let them know about it, and I will let them see parts because its the reality, but to the point of death? I just can't let that happen anymore. So I will gain the determination from their smiles. I will be brave and make that first step, that first search, that first call from their hugs and kisses. I will do what it takes to get me to the next step in recovery because I deserve it....and my family does. It's been about 2 months or more (mind is dead lol) since my last therapy session and I've done surprisingly well considering all that has happened, but I know I need to get back on track. I want to get back to helping myself and proving that I can do this. I want to be able to continue speaking my story and showing people what they can overcome because I've done it. I want to be the healthiest person I can be mentally and physically so I can do all that I want and all that my family wants.

So lets start next week ;) 

TOTALLY kidding. Tomorrow I'm making a promise to myself and to you...that I'm going to start looking. I'm going to take that first step, and no matter how anxious or out of control I feel....I will keep up my meal plan, I will not let the urge to purge or self harm overtake me. I deserve recovery and being fully recovered, and remember you do too! 

Let me know how you're helping yourself this weekend! How are you moving one step closer to your goal??

<3

M

Pants

 

Look at these pants. They wouldn't be anyone's downfall, but they were for me a few weeks ago. I did not realize I had not worn these pants in about 3 years, until I put them on and had a full out meltdown. Sure they still fit, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was they fit SO differently than what I remember. I've been doing well...ups and downs like anyone in recovery, but man. When I put these on, so many urges came flooding back ALL day. I wanted to over work out, I wanted to purge, I wanted to restrict, I was having suicidal ideations. ALL OVER PANTS. Y'all....what in the world. I cried all day off and on. I pulled myself into a shell again and was irritable and quiet. Even N noticed something and when I told him he understood. He's pretty amazing that way. I can realistically can look at it and think it's so stupid, but at the same time it's not. It was real for me and caused me so much anxiety and if I'm being honest (which is the whole point of this blog) I'm still extremely anxious and struggling about it. I can't seem to be okay with my body now. I was at a point where I didn't HATE my body because of the two babies I had. Now it's hard to stop the self hate talk and negative emotions. Before I was able to redirect my thoughts or think of something positive (like the kiddos), but now it's hard and I just don't want to work at it. Why? Probably because I've been doing this for over half my damn life. I'm tired, and there are times that I just don't want to anymore. I don't want to have to constantly fight myself. It's hard fighting your brain and your thoughts when they aren't healthy, because what is real? I see myself completely different than what other people do, then what the scale says, then what medical professionals say. How can I fight what I see and feel? I've been doing it so much, especially the last 8 years. 

I need to keep doing it though. I need to keep fighting, because I can't let ED win. I can't let my kids see me fail, or see me struggle and give up. I need to be there for them, and I need to be there for my husband...even our fur babies because goodness are they spoiled! I need to do this for myself too, even though I don't want to, because I deserve recovery. We all do! I've put so much time and effort into recovery that it would just be like slapping me in the face 8 years ago, when I didn't think I'd be where I am today. I dreamed of a day where I didn't cry at every meal, hell...even just having a mint like I did at the hospital once 😳. I've come so far, and at times when things start spiraling downward, it's hard to see how far you have come. Am I still tired? YES! Am I going to give up? No, but that doesn't mean I will be perfect and not struggle. I need to give myself grace, because like it or not, it's how my brain works and it's what I've done for way over half my life. Of course it's going to be the easiest thing for me, but at least now I'm actually fighting my thoughts and not just listening to ED right away. I promise you will get there too! <3

In other news, we're moving to Washington State! Lord help this Texan/southern girl. I HATE the cold as you can see by my face in the picture below. 😂 

Believe in yourself, because I do. Keep fighting friends!

<3 M

Self-Care

Maybe it's my word of the year? Who knows, but I'm tired. I thought I was busy with Emma and to be fair with how many appointments we had and therapy we had to do at home, I was! Having two kiddos though changes everything. I've realized over this past year, especially this past PCS to Alabama, how important self-care really is. You hear it a lot in recovery and you hear it a lot in motherhood, but I always thought I was just being lazy or that I really didn't need it...because "why would I spend time on myself? I don't deserve it and I could be more productive with that time by cleaning or doing something else for the animals, E and N, or the house." I didn't do a lot of self care the past few years, and it's shown. I'm exhausted, and honestly stuck in recovery. I don't feel like taking time out of my day to work on myself and to further recovery. I don't feel like unwinding what is all messed up in me. Every time I feel like I untangle one problem, I find 10 more things, its exhausting and makes me feel like, "what's the point if things keep popping up?" I didn't even have the energy to blog, which I love! I always thought that my self care was "focus on recovery, figure out the problems you have and work on them." It is self care, but doing something for yourself just to have fun is also extremely important. I never really understood that until now. Do I feel guilty about not working on my recovery and my problems all the time? Sure, but I've also realized that it's ok. You can burn out, and if you do burn out, it's okay to take a step back. While we were in Tampa, N was gone constantly. We also didn't have a yard for the dogs to go crazy in, and E was still having 3 therapies a week, multiple times a week on top of her other 4 specialists. I never really took care of myself there, I let my social anxiety get the best of me. I let my depression get the best of me and I didn't take time for myself when I really should have. It really didn't all hit until we moved to Alabama and after having baby L. When I made the effort to voice what I needed and the alone time I needed out of the house, things changed...I began realizing how tired mentally and physically I was. I always thought I could handle things...that I SHOULD handle things without breaks, but after taking time to myself I realized how much energy I had after just a few hours to do what I wanted. I was so much happier when I got home, I was able to deal with the major sass of my daughter and the constant holding of baby L and all of the animals needing my undying attention or at least being near me touching me somehow. I also found that I have more energy and want to actually start working on myself again. Moving and changing therapists doesn't help with wanting to keep working on things, but the self care part gives me new perspective and the energy to really dig deep. It gives me the energy to keep fighting those thoughts in my head, to stop restricting, to not cut or purge and the energy to fight the negative thoughts of, "I'm lazy, fat and I could be better." It also gives me the energy to be a better wife and mom. It gives me the energy and clarity to blog again, and it gives me the energy to do photography! 

So I challenge you, do something 3 times a week for just yourself. Make it fun!

<3 M

Oops!

Fun story, I was SO ready to blog every month...until I got pregnant! lol! That's right guys, we had a SECOND baby! Welcome to the world baby L!

This pregnancy was very difficult, my body just basically hates being pregnant. One of my OB's (I saw many lol) told me she felt so sorry for me every time I saw her. Which I responded with, "Thanks, now take the pain away." I had a thing going on called Prodromal labor, its labor contractions without the changing of the cervix. I started having real contractions at 19 weeks, and then they became every 2-4 minutes multiple times a day starting at 23 weeks. It was absolutely horrible having to feel labor contractions, but not being able to do anything about it. I was literally told, "Come in when you feel anything change, and make sure you get here on time because since this has been happening a lot your cervix will change extremely fast." Great, thanks for that advice! I think I ended up in the hospital 17 times before he officially came? Luckily my water broke, so I KNEW it was time to go! For anyone going through prodromal labor, I am so so sorry. Just think of the cute bundle of joy and it will get you through it! He ended up being born at 35 weeks and 5 days and was in the NICU for a few days due to some stuff, but he is a perfectly happy and healthy baby now! He also came in at 7lbs 2oz LOL ouch. 

Besides having a baby, we moved to a new state. So throw in anxiety, postpartum depression and an eating disorder we have a wonderful mix for a relapse. Have I relapsed? No, thank goodness. I am struggling though...more than I like to admit. My suicidal ideations have come back full force, which I will do NOTHING about, but I finally understand why my old therapist said that they were "escapes" for me. I believe when I think of the ideations, I get a moment away from the anxiety and depression, because I have an "escape." Is it right? NOPE, but I also realize that this is how my brain works under huge changes and amounts of stress. I'm more shaken that it has come back this strong than anything, but confident and at peace knowing nothing will come of it. I also know I've been in worse shape and have come through with unimaginable strength before. 

E is loving being a big sister more than anything! She does get jealous, but never gets mad at baby L so it helps! She's been more understanding than I could have ever asked for and I love watching her love him! Of course, he loves her right back, pretty sure his first smile was at her.

                                                 Look at them! Ugh, my heart!

We were also so blessed with being able to baptize baby L, right as we were moving! On our way to Alabama from Florida, we stopped in Augusta to stay with and see some of my favorite people. The priest that grew to mean so much to me, lives in Aiken (not far from Augusta) and baptized E and was able to baptize little L too! It was so special to us.

That's pretty much a fast update, I've already started on another blog so hopefully things won't go too crazy again where I can update like I promised at the beginning of 2020. 

Damn 2020...am I right?!

<3 M

Let's start out 2020 on a good note ;)

It's been about a year since I posted a blog post. Whew, what a year it has been. I'm sure so many people, or pretty much all of us can say the same thing. Hello 2020! I think you're going to kick my butt, so all I can say is bring it!

One of my New Year's Resolutions is to write a blog once a month, more if I can! Let's not push it though...I have a 3 year old, a baby on the way, my husband leaves a lot and we're going to PCS again, so let's stick to one a month ;).

Since it's been awhile, I'm going to reintroduce myself.

My name is Megan. I'm a 32 year old stay at home mommy to a crazy, stubborn, but happy 3 year old little girl. I married my handsome man, who happens to be in the army, over 6 years ago. I'm originally from Texas (the best state, duh) and moved soon after N and I got married. We moved to Augusta, GA and lived there for about 4 and a half years and then moved to Tampa, FL where we currently reside. I'm not a professional writer, and I honestly just blog for myself and hope that it will reach someone it needs to and that my writing will hopefully help at least one person. I have had a lot happen in my past, some that I have wrote about in my past blogs. I will catch you up real quick!

Around 9, I developed an eating disorder. It was later that it was defined as anorexia nervosa, because I was pretty good at keeping things quiet. I had bulimic tendencies as well.  I have suffered from depression, anxiety, self harm and suicidal ideations for the majority of my life, it comes with the ED territory ;) When I was 16, I was the worst I had ever been and was told I was not going to make it through the night while I was in the ER waiting to be placed in an eating disorder (ED) unit. I didn't believe them and thank God I did actually make it. I suffered a lot through that year and everything was kind of a blur, but I managed to get "a hold" of ED, up until a little in college. The second worst relapse I had was when my husband and I got married. It was shortly before, but once we got married things quickly went downhill and I was in and out of the hospital the first year of our marriage while we were in GA. It turns out I was struggling a lot not just because of ED, but because I had PTSD from a rape that occurred when I was about 19. This happened a lot, I don't delve into a lot, because it's still very uncomfortable to me. I didn't know it happened, only because he made me believe it was my fault and that I "asked for it," even when I fought him and said no. He made sure my self esteem (which was little anyways) was shot. I grew up knowing that sex was an important act and should be shared with someone you are married to and love. So when it happened, it messed me up a lot. It's something I still struggle with, but am still working on. Big props to the hubby for sticking with me through it! After a few hospitalizations in GA, I was sent to UNC Chapel Hill to their ED unit. I hated it, but it was the consistency I needed for a longer period of time to get me back on my feet. Since I've been in strong recovery, I have made it my mission to help others. I love to speak about the importance of knowledge and dangers of eating disorders. I have lived through this nightmare a long time and if I can help one person, even just give them hope, what I have done is worth it.

I'm also a momma! We recently found out we are pregnant again, which is terrifying and exciting! We're expecting a baby boy in June of 2020. My daughter, who is known as E on here, is 3 years old and was born at 33 weeks, while she was not breathing when she came out, she has shown us to be quite the fighter and nothing has stopped her since. We've had a struggle with her development since about 4 months old. She started PT and OT about that time and we added ST at a year and she's been in them since. She did stop PT this last January because E started walking! We're about to start it back up though, but hopefully it won't be as much! Adding in neurology, pediatric developmental pediatrician, a pediatric psychology (still waiting on this one) and a genetics specialist, we have quite the schedule! Not to mention she goes to school 3 days a week, which has been such a blessing!  She's come such a far way though, and proves to be just as stubborn as always. It's hard to see how far she's come with I'm with her all the time, but she's blowing everyones minds right now at how well she is doing. It's also frustrating with no diagnosis minus global developmental delay, which doesn't really say much haha. Aside from that, she still our happy girl! (most of the time, I mean she's 3 lol tantrums galore over here).

Last, but definitely not least, I'm married to a soldier, who I call N on the blog. While it's not really something I brag about, being a military wife is tough. Moving, tricare, not being near family or close friends, having to make new friends (which is SUPER HARD when you have anxiety like I do haha!), tricare, moving, not knowing where you're going next, tricare, getting set up in a new place, deployments, tricare, husband TDY all the time, did I mention tricare? haha. I am so proud of N, but there are times I just wish I could move back to GA and be with my best friends and a place that we called home for so long. I also can't believe I just said I'd move to GA over Texas haha. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!

I'm excited you came to find my blog and look forward to getting to know some of you guys as well! My goal is to update monthly, so keep an eye out!

Also, as stated on my previous blogs, I struggle with perfectionism so  I never go back and reread my blogs to fix errors. I just write and post, so enjoy that and hope all you grammar people don't kill me ;).

Till next time!

<3 M

It's time...

I've been closed off talking about my suicidal ideations, I'm embarrassed and I'm not really quite sure what to say, but it needs to be talked about.

 I tried to commit suicide once, we were in Augusta and I stole the key off of Nick's key chain to the gun box. He went to work the next day, while I worked on letters and then sat in our blue office holding a gun up to my head. I was pulling the trigger as my old therapist in Austin called me. I answered, because it's rude not to and I try to not be rude haha 😏. I remember being in the mindset like it was yesterday, the dark dark place where I didn't think I could pull myself out of. I had given up, I was tired of feeling that pain, tired of fighting my thoughts, tired of just living with myself and the baggage I had. I wanted it to all go away, and honestly I thought was just a burden to everyone, especially Nick. He would have been happier without me, he could find someone better than me. I didn't want him to think he had to stay in the warped world I felt like I was in. I felt like no one wanted me around and that I wasn't that important to anyone. I was wrong.

I think back to that time and those memories rush through my mind. I'm so glad I never fully pulled that trigger. Surprisingly enough, when I was hospitalized right after that, there was a man that came into the geriatric psych ward where I was at. His mouth was wired shut, but seemed completely normal and happy. The geriatric psych ward was attached to the adult psych ward, just had a door in between. I would go to groups on the adult side when they had them during the day and the man came to one group and sat next to me. He smiled at me everyday and waved and I did the same. I forgot what we were talking about in group, but I brought up my suicidal thoughts and what had put me in the hospital this time. He turned to me and as much as he could talk and said, "I'm so glad you didn't." He then pointed to his face and said he shot himself in an attempt to commit suicide. He told me that if he would had known what it would have done to his family he wouldn't have done it. They had no idea, and their reactions tore him apart more than what his thoughts did. He told me that even when I feel like I'm at my lowest point, someone out there wants you around. He then said, "I'm glad my life didn't end, and I'm glad yours didn't either." I've carried this conversation around with me since it happened. I'm glad I met that man and am still taken aback about what he said, he changed me though. I can finally say at this point, I don't want my life to end. Times can get hard, I still feel like a burden sometimes and I feel worthless. I'm not though, and I'm learning to just sit with those thoughts and feelings and fighting them, which I was not able to do before. Yay therapy, did I actually learn something after all this time?! 😂

Recently, I had a friend tell me about a situation in her life that is related to suicide. It's really made me start thinking of my past and how I empathize with those that struggle with suicidal thoughts. I know how they feel, and I get it. People say it's selfish, which it is, BUT you are in a mindset that you think you're doing the best thing for others. I'm realizing that after talking to my friend, that I completely missed how hard this must have been for N. I can see this person struggling and not understanding and it breaks my heart. If I could go back, I would want to tell N how hard I was trying, that I didn't want to give up, but I didn't know what else to do. I wanted him to be happy, and I knew I was not making him happy at that time. I was lost and no other way to escape, but that I'm so sorry that I put him through that and that I love him so much for sticking with me. I'm sure others feel this way too. I want families who have a loved one struggling, to know that this does end. That others are out there that are going through the same thing. Reach out for help, it's okay to ask for it. Talking with other people in the same situation will help you get through this. I want for people who do have suicidal ideations to know the same thing. You are loved even if you don't feel like it. You're strong and you've made it this far. Reach out for help, it's not a sign of weakness. I know it's scary opening up about these thoughts and why you have them, but once you do, you start to heal. Healing is hard, but so very worth it. To both sides, it does get better. The thoughts will fade and even if they jump up every once in awhile, they will past as fast as they come. Don't ever give up.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. Call 24/7.


<3 M

The Present Moment

I can never live up to the amount I want to be. I want to be the mom who is always present, the mom who can just focus on her child and enjoy every moment spent with them. Yet, here I am, fighting depression, anxiety and all this other stuff day in and day out where I can't just be with little E. I hate it, but I fight it constantly everyday, because she's worth it. I wake up groggy from the previous night's medication, then throughout the day I take my anxiety medication to help with racing thoughts or the tightness in my body, the fear I have constantly around my weight and those medications make you tired. I ignore everything so I can focus on her, but am I really doing her a favor? No, not at all. I never understood the phrase, "You have to help yourself first before you can help anyone," but its hit home pretty well recently. I've ignored so much since we've moved here, like I didn't really want it to be real. I miss Augusta, I miss our friends, I miss my doctor (even though that's weird) and I miss our house. I miss feeling semi comfortable, and then this move came along and turned my world upside down. I'm scared to make friends, one because I'm weird haha and two because I'm scared to get too close, also I'm more comfortable in my house so why leave? haha. In high school, I was friends with a group of girls who I loved dearly, and then one day they shut me out. I never knew why, maybe because of my eating disorder, or maybe just for whatever reason, but it hurt and I felt like I haven't recovered since. Sounds pathetic right?  Well, I found that home again with my friends in Augusta and it was amazing, but then I lost it. How can I keep going through the pain of losing friendships and feeling comfortable to feeling that loneliness every few years for months on end? It's happened here, and I hate it. It's going to happen again, and that's where I've been getting into my vicious cycle of depression. My brain never, ever stops and the only way to help is distraction, but that doesn't really make me present. Little E is walking now, FINALLY after 2 years of therapy, and I couldn't be more proud. I keep thinking that I've missed so much of her being little, even though I was with her all the time, because I was so wrapped up in my brain, thoughts and worries, I missed stuff. Now that I recognize this is it going to go away? Not right away and I have to be okay with that, but I have the ability to realize when things are making my brain go haywire now, where I can just sit down and breathe. Even with little E. She's been loving to cuddle recently, and when I get on the floor, she is right there with me and I teach her what I'm doing. Does she understand? Not completely, but I'll be damned if I pass this on to my little girl. I will get there, and I know I will. I just need more patience with myself, and understand that I'm not ever going to be that perfect person, or better yet, that perfect mom. I've done pretty well so far though, because I've seen what a sweet, happy girl she's turning into. Though she's 2 so we all know she can be crazy.

This is the military life, and I better get used to it. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this, and I wish more people would be more open about the struggle of everyday life in the military and being a mom (or dad!). Well, cheers to you reading this who understand what all of this is like and keeps pushing. We can't let our worries and thoughts take over our life, because they will and we will miss the best parts of living. Remember to sit down, ground yourself in the moment, take a breath and smile. You'll enjoy it ;)


<3 M

Here's a picture because I love it.

Anxiety and perfectionism at their finest

My anxiety has been through the roof, and because of that, every time I sat down to write the past couple of months I'd get anxious thinking whatever I was writing was stupid or not good enough. *Slaps self* "Wake up Megan!"

When I was younger I was on so much medication that I was a zombie, I couldn't feel anything or even stay awake. So when I started treatment again about 5 years ago I was adamant about not being so "drugged up." Well, I'm on a decent amount of medication right now, and you know what?? That's ok! It's what's getting me through my lapse, it's helping me think clearly and my psychiatrist is very good about talking with me to make sure everything is working as it should. I'm still embarrassed by it, but honestly I'm starting to not care. It's helping me and it's not like I'm going to be on all of it forever. This thought is because they just added another medication and I had a woe is me moment and told myself it's because I'll "never get better" lol.

Second, why would I even care what someone thought about my blog? Haters gonna hate and that's fine, (I say as I want to cry inside) I'm not a professional writer, and it's been awhile since I took an English class. Who cares? It doesn't have to be perfect. *cringing* I'm beginning to believe perfect doesn't exist even though my brain tells me to achieve it all the time. It's exhausting. Perfectionism is a dream that people make up and strive for, even sometimes kill themselves for. I have strived most of my life for perfection, and have I gotten even close? Nope. My old doctor back in Augusta made me write a letter to my eating disorder to thank it and to tell him that I don't need him or his ways anymore. I have that letter framed and in my bathroom, so every time I look in the mirror I have to see it. Since I've done that, I've read that letter countless times. Perfectionism is and almost has destroyed my life. I HAVE to let go. I HAVE to say goodbye to Miss Perfectionist and ED. It's been 5 years since I started therapy again and I hate that I can't just easily say "Bye! See you never." It seems to be that way right now though, and you know what? That's fine. I'm doing ok, I'm stable and I'm wanting to keep fighting (most days lol). Each step I make and choose everyday to say goodbye is another step closer. If I saw my house the way it is right now, I would have freaked out. It's not perfect, one being I have a two year old lol and two being, I need my sanity more than a perfectly cleaned house. I'll get to it eventually, it's not going to get up and move, and it's not like my house is disgusting. Would I have thought that even a year ago? NOPE. I'd be freaking out and stressing N out because I "needed everything clean." That's a huge step in my book.

Third, moving on to fun things! We moved into our new house on base. First base house and it's AMAZING! Only downside is there is no backyard and the water pressure for the kitchen sink SUCKS. I'm trying to make it as homey as possible, trying to up my decorating skills and I feel like I'm failing haha. It'll get there...and then we'll move 😂. #militarylife. People here are pretty amazing too.

Little E has been doing so well. It seems she's starting to progress and is actually standing up with the help of furniture and things and is walking along chairs and tables. It's amazing to see. She is deathly afraid to walk, but seeing her conquer little steps is the best thing in my life. I am undoubtedly proud of her and can't wait to see her keep growing up. Even though it can slow down a lot, minus the not walking and tantrums. Those can go, like right now 👋

If this is your first time reading my blog, this is pretty much like a thought explosion. Some could make sense, some could not. I also don't go back through and edit my stuff because I need to let that perfectionism thing go. I'm not writing this to please other people, I'm doing it to hopefully help at least one person and for myself 👍.



<3,
M

Struggle bus

Y'all, I'm on the struggle bus. Big time. It seems like I always am, #anxietyprobs, but I swear I have good days!

Lately, things have been so hard. Moving to Florida was exciting, but I moved from the best support system I've ever had and now I have to start all over with that. It's terrifying. Trusting new people is hard for me, and trusting therapists is even a bigger hurdle. I'm trying though. I keep telling myself I can handle everything, and that I don't have a lot going on. Then someone starts naming off everything that I need to do, deal with or come up with, I just want to crawl into bed and hide. I DO have a lot going on. A crap ton 💩.

Since I moved, a little before, I started struggling a lot with ED again. As ashamed I am to admit it, I've lapsed. I want "him" with me, I "need" him with me to handle everything. I have been given so many coping skills and ways to help myself, but my brain is like "Nope, too hard. Focus on not eating to handle your anxiety." That's great right?? It's not, and I know it's not and I KNOW that it just causes more anxiety, so why do I keep going back? Because I've had this crap since I was 9. It's so easy just to slip back into it, and then hard to climb back out. It's so much easier, to focus on my weight, what I'm putting in my mouth, focusing on how I look. It takes away from the anxiety that I'm in a new place with no one except my husband, daughter and animals. It takes away from hating this house that we're renting. It takes away from being so overwhelmed and stressed with Emma having therapy pretty much every day of the week. ST- 2X week PT- 2X Weekend OT - 1X week. That is a lot, not to mention my own doctor appointments. I'm juggling neurology appointments for Emma and now myself (headaches, I'm fine), I need to go back to PT for myself, but I can't. The cost of a sitter and even just the time right now is too much.

Everyone says I need to focus on myself to help others. How though? When I feel like there is not enough hours in the day, and when Emma goes to sleep I'm so dead exhausted with working with her, cleaning the house and playing with the animals that I just don't want to do anything? My new therapist wants me to just take moments to breathe. Easy right? Should be! I could have mastered that a few years ago. Now, that in itself gives me anxiety! I can't be the only one....right?! Please tell me I'm not! Thoughts include - "Am I doing this right? I need to be doing something else, I'm being lazy. I feel/look fat when I breathe in, it's making me look bigger. Ugh, I can just feel every part of fat on my body and how heavy I am by sitting on this chair." That last part is when I'm trying to ground myself. I used to do this and became pretty good at it, but for some reason it's all new to me again. It is so hard to MAKE myself sit down and calm when I have so much to do.

Do I put all these expectations on myself? Why yes I do lol. It's hard not to. I've heard a lot of moms say they feel like they're failing or being bad parents. That is so frustrating to hear and it's so easy to tell someone they're not, but when it comes to you, your brain just beats you up to the point of exhaustion. So I know I'm not the only one, and thats frustrating in itself. I hate seeing others struggle.

So moving forward, what do I need to do? I need to listen and start following my new doctor and take moments out of the day and just focus on breathing. I've done it before, so I can get back to it. I need to lower my expectations of myself, that's going to be really difficult and pretty sure it'll take awhile, but I can do that as well.

I'm not perfect, and I never will be. Even though I'm not in a good place right now, I've been worse, WAY worse. *flashback to UNC and our first year of marriage* I'm not there anymore, and I do have a lot going on, so I need to understand that it's okay to struggle and I'm not a failure. I just need to keep doing what I was doing, even though it's harder than not eating. I hate emotions, HATE THEM. HAAAAAAATTTEEEE THEM, but I know I need to start letting myself feel what I've been trying to hide and push back. I miss Georgia, I miss all of my friends back there. I miss being able to see people throughout the week and be an adult with others. I miss advocating and helping others through eating disorders, and you know what? That's ok to miss all of that. It sucks, but this is radical acceptance at it's finest. Did I just say that?? Yes...thanks DBT 😏. When I calm myself, like right now haha, I know I'm going to get back to where I was and even beyond that. My passion besides animals lol is speaking about my story and advocating for the understanding of EDs. I can't do that right now, but stepping (or falling lol) back can be good in a way. I'll just keep learning from it, and when I slip again, I won't fall as far back like the past. Neither will you. If you're reading this and struggling, even if it's not ED related, remember it's ok to mess up, but it's important to keep trying.


Thoughts of the day! I always just word vomit on this lol.

<3 M

P.S. If you're just starting to read, I don't go back to read through to fix my mistakes. I just let it go, even though it kills me inside 😂. No one is perfect!

The Struggle of PCSing

So, we PCSed to Florida. PCS pretty much means change of duty station.

I loved Georgia. I mean, it was a HARD start, but I met the most amazing people. To be honest, I accomplished a lot there, way more than I ever did in Texas and I miss it so freaking much. Alas, moving is a part of military life that I need to radically accept. We were there for a while and were so rooted, so I feel like it made it harder. This move has made me really look back at how far I have grown as a person, especially in recovery.

The house we rented in FL is HUGE! It looked great on the pictures, we got here and the house was disgusting. They obviously didn't clean the tile floors after they changed the carpets and there were spotty "fixed up" jobs everywhere. That gave me a chance to stay busy at least, and us not having to clean the house when we leave. SCORE.

Since we've been here, N went back to Georgia for 2 weeks getting our house ready for our renters. That was a feat for him as well, the cleaning person and the power washer guy cancelled last minute. Then the second day the movers came, they only had 2 guys packing the truck.  YAY FOR THEM. If any of you know N, he was not the happiest of people lol.

So I was a single parent again back in FL with barely anything in our house, then the day before N came back down I fell down the stairs with little E in my arms, breaking her leg and 3 of my own ribs. It broke my heart knowing it was my fault that little E was in so much pain, but accidents happen and I have to keep telling myself that. She was in the hospital for two days and got a pretty cool looking purple cast *that I bedazzled💁*  that takes up like half of her little body haha. Poor child.

 The day we brought her home, there happened to be a leak on the second floor ceiling that was dripping down to the first floor. Did they come out right away? Nope, they came out a few days later to check it out. That was a week ago now and no idea where the water is coming from, or was since it hasn't happened in a few days (good or bad? haha). Did they fix the hole? NOPE! We are now anxiously waiting for on base housing....which if you're in the military...you know that takes awhile haha.

When I first got here I was prepared to get all little E's doctors and my doctors set up. Even called tricare and got little E's and I's address moved down to the Tampa area so we were ready. I did the research and had written out a few options, thinking that since it's an Air Force base that we'd be able to get seen pretty soon because I'm naive and had hope. Oh honey, I was so wrong. We got here early May and when I called they couldn't get Emma in to see a doctor to get her referrals until June 6th. Which was 2 days ago. Y'all. I lost my mind. This wasn't even on post, it was an off post military place that catered to those who lived further out. If you don't know little E's history, here's a quick recap: Born 7 weeks early, has been seeing a physical and occupational therapist since she was about 4 months maybe, and then speech she started this year, has a neurosurgeon and a neurologist and had to see an orthopedic doctor. She has A LOT going on, and if anyone knows my daughter, she's pretty lazy and doesn't like to do things that are "too hard for her." I love her, but man. Anyways, she is now 22 months old and still isn't walking by herself. So, mom had to get her back on track with everything. I did some more researched and called Tricare about getting an off post doctor for her and me since they could only see me a few days before little E. At this time, I was not doing well eating,  emotional or thought wise so I had to see someone pretty fast too, to get the referral I needed. It had been pointed out to me on numerous occasions that if I can't get myself taken care of, I can't take care of little E and she's my world so that is just not going to happen.

Luckily the Tricare thing went pretty easily after a few days. I may have written a long email and made them send that along too, but it worked! Here we are weeks later and still no therapy for little E. Though she did get her leg broken two weeks ago and that put a holt on things, the place I'm trying to get, along with my best friend Tricare and her new doctor we haven't had any luck. YAAAYY! Luckily the place received the paperwork they needed after forever and more, and now we get to have the therapists rule to see if her case is more important than others. There's a waiting list y'all. What in the ever loving *bleep* is happening. I am so mad, and sadly these people are the most recommended and it looks like a lot of other places have a waiting list too. So great. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here trying to get little E to say "la la" "ka ka" and whatever I can get her to say while she just stares at me blankly, to keep trying to get her to looseb up her right side, and to start using a fork and spoon, all while she shakes her head no at me. 😑 This is my child. Excuse me while I chug a glass or 5 of wine and cry. I swear to God I work with her people! Hey, she's saying mama like a champ now. I can die happy! 😂



Until next time, and may the odds be ever in your favor.

M

Did I mention I heard a roach scream a few weeks ago? I was trying to kill it with bug spray and it was so big I could hear it SCREAM. A part of me died that day, and I hate roaches. 💀

#momlife

Have you ever just wanted to give up being a mom? How about a military spouse? Because I'm right about there you guys. Things have been CRAZY! Of course my anxiety and stress don't help at all, but for real. I just want to check out in life. Head to the beach, sit in the sand and sun with a yummy drink in my hand and not have a care in the world. Or a cruise, I'd love that too! I'm gonna do it!

I'm so funny right?? I'm sure a LOT of people feel this way. Life is hard and sucks at points, but what can we do other than try and cope the best way we can?

I've been stuck for awhile about what to write about. I think part of it is my depression and self confidence, not thinking anyone will care or they will just make fun of me on whatever I write about. Other part is I am so freaking busy being a mom to a little girl and to 4 animals! Cleaning the house rarely gets done now, especially to my specifications, which I've been told are too high 😂👌. I rarely fix my hair, but sometimes I have makeup on! I've put my recovery on a back burner because I'm usually too tired to try and work through my thoughts and everything. Making meals is harder because I am so occupied that I forget to start dinner early enough so we can eat together as a family. Little E goes to bed around when we usually would eat dinner, but I'm trying to have to change things up! It makes me feel like a bad mom just letting her eat her dinner while I sit there and have a snack or just talk to her. I need to change this because I am just so tired and can't do it all anymore! I love little E. She is a little developmentally behind, which was to be expected being 7 weeks early, but there are times I just don't know what to do with her. She is a lot of work, like a lot. I'm always trying to work with her on therapy things and I feel like it just doesn't work. She is SO stubborn and wants to do things her way, which I definitely want her to be her own self and figure out her own things BUT some of her muscles are weak because she won't do it how she "should." She is doing really well at sign language and she "talks" all the time, but just won't say words! Especially "momma"😂😑 . I'm trying to relax because she is doing really well, but there are times I feel like I've failed and not just in motherhood. I feel like I've lost who I am. I've always wanted to be a mother and a stay at home mom, but sometimes this sucks. I've never really known who I was (even though I felt like I did) and I've been working so hard the past few years to find myself and now I feel like I lost it. We're always at appointments or running errands. Ive realized that I need to add more fun to our lives that doesn't involve physical or occupational therapy. It's just hard trying to do everything at once.

So, with all this....who else feels like this?! I can't be the only one....please say it ain't so!!


Keep up the fight ladies and gentlemen!

-M

It's been awhile...

Well y’all, it’s been awhile! Our computer broke while N was deployed and we finally fixed it! I’m usually really bad about updating anyways haha!

A LOT has happened! N came home from deployment! Yay! And little E has her daddy back, and more importantly I’m not a single parent anymore, whhaaatt?!? Haha, just kidding. He still works crazy hours. She’s usually asleep by the time he gets home, which I know must be hard. The readjustment phase is no joke, but having him home is so amazing. Also, my awesome friend and neighbor took pictures of our homecoming!

Not so patiently waiting for N!

Back together as a family! <3 We’re cheesin’ hardcore

NEXT, little E had her 1st birthday! Technically before N got home, but we had a big party for her and N after he got home. Pictures below, including her on her real birthday <3 Also, she’s scooting everywhere now! Yay and boo haha

Tasting the cake

We got a little overwhelmed and tired haha

Can she get any cuter!?

Well, after that, I ran and coordinated my and Augusta’s FIRST NEDA Walk! Oh em gee! Y’all, it was hard. I still haven’t touched the stuff we unloaded in the garage the day of the walk haha. I should probably do that so my husband doesn’t loose his mind because his garage is dirty -_-  I’ve pretty much given myself a hard time over this walk, I picked out all the things that went wrong and what I could have done better and what more could have been done. In all honesty though, it was a great event and I did what I could! We raised $4,480 total!
                     

My sexy husband spoke too 😉

Friends are what made this possible!

After all of this, we are now in the holiday season. My shopping is pretty much complete and little E is very interested in what’s under the tree. Which is good and bad because I have to keep telling her not yet haha. Besides that, recovery is hard. Very hard. I can feel that I am so close to giving up ED, but I’m still holding on to him for dear life. I know logically that he isn’t good for me, but I just can’t seem to let him go. I want him here to comfort me, he’s my safety blanket. Even though he’s not safe, he tries to keep telling me he is. I have been overboard anxious, with obviously what went on the past few months, but now because I’m so close to saying I’m “Recovered.” (As the amazing Jenni Schaefer states) It’s exciting and extremely scary at the same time. The knowing I’m close, but being scared is constantly on my mind since I keep arguing with myself. It’s tiring and include having a toddler, 4 animals and a house to take care of. Taking care of myself has been pushed to the back burner, but I really need to sit down everyday and process and write out everything like I used to. I need to practice self care and relaxation. Where’s my coloring book??  Can I have more Gabapentin (Sp?) please?? Haha just kidding. For real though, I’m trying hard not to rely on my medication at least for anxiety, but I’m realizing I can’t be hard on myself for taking medication either. I need it, my brain needs it and that’s okay.

Army life is still crazy, not knowing where we’re going or doing next is pretty difficult. Should I keep decorating the house or wait until the next house? What is the new house going to look like? I need to plan to make it a home! I feel like this is another blog, so I’m keeping this short 😉

That’s all I got for right now. I’m starting to overanalyze everything, so I’m stopping haha!

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and Happy New year if I don’t post again before then!

<3 M

Thought and Word Explosion

Last month was PTSD awareness month. With all the craziness of single parenthood including the fur babies, I hadn’t had time to really post about this. PTSD awareness is very near and dear to my heart. One being because my husband is in the military and it breaks my heart that so many service members do struggle with this and try and keep it a secret. The next being, I myself have experienced it and was diagnosed with it. When I was first told I had PTSD, I laughed and said I was never in combat. I was never in a war, I never experienced anything that would cause me to have it. I was wrong because the only thing I ever learned growing up about PTSD was that it was from veterans. Which it is and definitely needs to be talked about!

My PTSD was from a continuous rape. I had no idea I was because the person always said I asked for it or some how blamed it on me and I, of course believed him. Everything is always my fault, right?? 😉 (Not the case though! I’m learning at least.) Then because of what happened, I thought I had to be with that person forever. I had no idea you could get PTSD from something like that, but it does make sense. It took me awhile to believe my treatment team, since I blamed myself for nearly 10 years. It wasn’t my fault though, and I learned that. There are times I still question when things get overwhelming, but when I calm my anxiety and take a step back, it was never my fault. Someone who was sick made me believe it was, and I can’t let them do that to me any more.

PTSD can come from anything traumatic, which is what I learned. Your brain does amazing things to protect itself. Not always the best, but it does what it knows to keep you safe. There’s a lot I want to type about what I went through, but I’m not quite ready to share it. I’ve been thinking of a book, maybe?! Who knows! Just know that doing trauma work in therapy is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I had to relive some of the worst times of my life over and over again. I had to remember things I buried so deep down that I blocked them until we started talking and working through things. Having that memory, and feelings, including physical, being relived is a nightmare. I can’t even imagine others who have gone through something worse than me and having to do the same thing. It breaks my heart, but I can also tell them that it really does work. You just have to be patient. You’ll stop having the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the anxiety around things that may trigger you.

I can still feel him touching me, I can feel myself getting physically sick because I have no idea what to do and I’m just so scared that I can’t move. My brain goes dead, is what it feels like. It really messed me up, and sadly still affects me to some extent today, but I know that one day I will look back and know that I have overcome this obsticle. I am very lucky to have married the man that I did, and to have met the treatment team that I have now. I would not be able to say I worked through it without them. They’ve helped me uncover so many things about myself that I never would have if I didn’t meet them. God placed every single one who has helped me along this rough path of finding myself, and I couldn’t be happier.

I’ve been in a weird mood recently. I was going to type this in a later blog, but who knows when that will be…(thanks Emma haha). I’ve realized that I’m at a point in recovery and just life in general where I’m really starting to figure out who I am. It’s freaking me out. What if no one likes who I really am/who I want to be. I’ve always been the dork, loser or weird girl growing up. I still remember being made fun of in middle school and high school.  I was weird, I get it, and I’m okay with that now! I still am weird, I love Harry Potter. I love animals a little too much, I love storms, I love things people don’t usually like. I AM okay with that though! It’s a weird concept for me to grasp. I have never been as confident or “self loving” as I am today. Though, I still have a LONG way to go, I am realizing that I need to be okay with who I am. I need to take care of myself, I need to do the things I love to make myself happy. I was always told that you need to take care of yourself before you take care of others, I always thought that would be selfish on my part. I helped take care of people all the time, but honestly I’m starting to understand and believe that saying. I vowed to myself when N deployed that I would really focus and work on myself. I would really work hard on fixing myself so that nothing gets transferred to our daughter. I wanted to be a better wife when he got home, I wanted to be a better mother, and I wanted to be a better person in general. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs, mainly downs ;), and I feel like I’ve been selfish because I’ve been isolating a lot. Though that’s not always good, I think it’s helped me. I’m an introvert, like woah. I’m also learning I’m an introvert because I’m scared of what people think of me. I’m pushing myself to do things that are uncomfortable for me and it’s extremely hard and has been causing me to have panic attacks, but I’ve never learned more about myself. DANG, my doctor was right haha. I still fight him, and myself on things I do NEED to do, but every step is getting me to where I want to be. I’ve never felt like this before, and it honestly is freaking me out. I go back and forth a lot, it’s a constant and tiring roller coaster, but I learned this week that it’s only because I have thought one way for so long. Starting something new after doing it one way your whole life is going to take awhile. I need to be patient with myself, just like everyone needs to be patient with themselves. Famous words from my doctor that I will always remember, “You need to be uncomfortable to BE comfortable.” I never really truly understood that phrase until recently. Thank you again for helping me.

I’ve always said this to myself, but believing it is completely different. Do what you love, do what makes you happy. Take care of yourself, push yourself to be better and absolutely always believe in yourself. I feel like things are changing for me, and though its scary, it’s making me excited to see where I’m headed and who I will actually become. Like me or not? I don’t care 🙂

<3

M

Again, for those who just started reading. I don’t go back and reread what I typed. I just let it flow and post it. If it doesn’t make sense, so be it 😀

Mom Guilt

We all have it…moms that is. Why should we though? I struggle every week in therapy with a ton of things, but one that keeps showing up is mom guilt.  Dun dun duuunnnn.

Perfect example was this past Wednesday. I got my third….yes THIRD…stomach bug of the year. Had to be when N was gone, am I right? -_- Luckily I was physically able to still semi take care of little E, but I had to make a nest on the couch for myself and I propped her in her little seat I got at Walmart and let her watch TV all day while I laid on the couch dying and trying not to throw up everywhere. Thursday was very close to the same thing, but I did have some energy to sit up with her while she played. I felt like SUCH a bad mom! I’ve already been struggling letting her watch cartoons in the morning for 5-10 minutes while I eat my breakfast. People tell me its okay, N is gone and I need to do things so you can eat. I mean I do let her play on her mat first, but she’s been getting super tired of that quickly so I switch at the end to the amazing show E loves called “Super Why”. It gives me a little bit to actually finish what I made to eat, but that still doesn’t help me not feel so guilty. For real though, why should I feel guilty over something that I couldn’t control? I would have gotten sick all over her if I sat up. I tried getting a sitter, but that didn’t work. I also didn’t want to ask for help because I knew this thing was so contagious and the people I knew who would help had little ones just like me. I’m not getting their children sick.

Do you know how many articles and Facebook posts and comments I have read that “mom shame”?? It’s insane and I always told myself I’m going to do what’s best for our family and that I wouldn’t take anyone so seriously, sadly that doesn’t make the comments that I had already read — or told– leave my mind. The worst was breastfeeding. There are still times I blame myself for little E’s development because I couldn’t give her enough breastmilk. I tried it, was able to give her some the first few weeks of life, but my body just hit a point and then regressed. I fed her and pumped. I tried teas and cookies, medicines and herbs and everything you can think of and nothing. I finally was so tired of only pumping an ounce at a time (which took me 45 minutes to get) after the 45 minutes I fed little E. Then I got to do it again 30-45 minutes later! I blamed myself so much. I had a very great doctor, who N and I admire and is dear to our family so much, tell me that if I couldn’t breastfeed to not blame myself. That E will be okay on formula and do just as well. I keep telling myself what he said to me, but there’s always that doubt in my mind that I get when she isn’t progressing like she should. Is it my fault she’s no where near crawling? Is it my fault she just started being able to sit up by herself? I mean, I did try and eat the same amount as my nutritionist told me after I had her, but I struggled. Just as I struggled in pregnancy. I ate the right foods, I even ate foods I told myself I’d never eat again and it did nothing. I couldn’t provide for my daughter the way I “should” have been able to and it killed me inside. Hell, it still kills me. **Not gonna lie, with N being gone I probably wouldn’t have survived breastfeeding too haha!** I know though, that I did try. I did everything I could in my power and it just didn’t happen. AND THAT’S OKAY! Did I just say (type) that out loud? You bet I did. Do I believe it? Not all the time, but sometimes and that’s better then where I was at a few months ago.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I pull out E’s bottle of formula when we’re out still get to me, and I feel like I have to justify myself and explain everything. I don’t though, NO ONE DOES. It’s not hurting E and I’m giving her the food she needs that my body, for whatever reason couldn’t provide. She’s had formula since day 3 of her birth, She didn’t want to eat the first few days haha, to supplement and she’s been doing so well since.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I pull out pre made baby food, because I literally don’t have time to cook and make food for E since I’m taking care of a household that include 4 pets that need one on one attention right now. I don’t even have time to cook myself a real meal. The most I get at night is left overs I had from going out at lunch or a bagel or I just heated up some pasta. I always plan to make crock pot stuff, but I get so busy that I forget to start it until about 3 whenever E is asleep for her nap haha #momlife, Yes, I plan on making E’s food when N gets home when I have the time and energy to. Right now this is the best I can do and if you’re not okay with that, then go away. No one wants a hater. Even if I didn’t plan to, still…go away.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I give E a pacifier. Girl look, she honestly never asks for a paci. We use it when she goes to sleep and when we go out because she has some lungs on her. Even if she did ask, I would give it to her. She’s not obsessed or attached. Its not hurting her right now, and it helps keep me sane when we’re out doing errands and I’m trying to focus on checking out or at a doctors appointment.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I tell people we didn’t co sleep. No I did not want my daughter in the same bed as my husband and me. Mainly because he was leaving and we needed that time for just the two of us. Second, even if he wasn’t leaving I felt it necessary to keep the bed to just us two and I wouldn’t have been able to sleep if she was in bed with fear of killing her. We did have her in a bassinet right next to our bed which was wonderful. There are times I do want her in bed with me right now, because I want to snuggle or I’m really missing N, but I know that isn’t something I want her getting used to. It’s my personal choice and I’m okay with that.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I say my daughter is at Mother’s Day Out. Yes, I take my daughter twice a week for 4 hours each time for someone to watch her. I have doctor appointments that makes it very difficult to have her at. Even if I didn’t have appointments AND if my husband wasn’t away for so long, it’s okay for me to do that. She needs the development skills it comes with and she needs to learn she’ll be okay without me for a bit. It breaks my heart every time I drop her off, but ever since she’s started, she’s progressed even more in therapy. That’s a plus in my book, that and I get a few hours to myself kinda haha.

The stares and ugly faces I get when I tell people that I let my dogs and cats around E. That I actually let the dogs lick her *gasp!* They’re part of our family and always will be. E loves with the dogs kiss her. Don’t like it, don’t care. Have a good day.

I could go on and on, but it’s close to my bedtime. This momma needs sleep.

The point of this post was to vent of course, but also to know that if you’re struggling with mom guilt, that you aren’t the only one. I promise you! What you do with your child is your business. Unless it’s hurting them mentally or physically then you need to do what’s best for you and your family. Might that be a few minutes of tv a day to having the cursed thing called formula. We’re all trying to learn to be the best parents for our children. Pray and take it one day at a time. I’m here for you if you need to talk! I’ll just stare and make ugly faces though haha just kidding.

<3 M

My First Mother's Day

My “first” — I say first because when I found out I was pregnant I already called myself a mom– Mother’s Day was spent in a place no mother should.

I have a very best friend, Melissa, who was actually the first person I befriended here in Georgia. She has turned out to be one of my closest friends and there’s not a lot I won’t share with her (thank you for that haha). She just had to go through what no mother should, her son was declared brain dead this morning. She had been at the hospital with her son since Thursday.  Her son had surgery on Monday and things started getting bad the day after. I first of all, want to tell you how wonderful this woman and her son is. I look up to her so much and I don’t even think she knows it. She is by far one of the most strongest people I know and the first person I go to for advice when I need it and I always cherish her advice. She’s helped me through the darkest years I’ve ever had, and I’ve become a better person because of her. I never really got to meet her son, but through what Melissa has told me I should have.

All of this time while watching her at the hosptial, I’ve been admiring her for how strong she is. It got me thinking if I could ever go through anything like this and survive. I kept holding little E closer and closer as each day passed and her son was still in the ICU, and it got me thinking…

What does being a mother mean to me?

First of all, it means the world to me to have a child, let alone the sweet little girl that we were blessed with. Being a mom is having Emma when I least expected it, 7 weeks early, after being in the hospital for 6 days. I will never let her live that down, I was on magnesium sulfate 3 different times, but that didn’t stop her haha.

Being a mom means your whole world turned upside down the day she was born. She wasn’t breathing when she came out and I never knew that I could be so afraid of something. It wasn’t just N and I anymore, we had this precious new life that we had to take care of.

Being a mom means waking up every hour to check on your new born to make sure she’s breathing. It’s getting up whenever she starts to cry because you need to feed her. It’s getting up even when you know she’s not hungry, but maybe scared or just needs to know that you’re there. It means you are her safe place, and that means more to me than I could have ever imagined.

Being a mom means I get frustrated. There’s times where I’m frustrated because I don’t know why she’s crying and times where I just want to scream. I don’t though, because she’s just trying to tell me something. (I may have screamed on a couple of occasions…just not with her in the room haha)

Being a mom means it takes FOREVER to get anywhere. I used to be the person who was 30 minutes early overtime, not anymore. Yes, that bugs me haha but I need to cherish her being this small. It won’t last for long

Being a mom means I need to take care of myself so that she grows up knowing to love and respect her body and have a healthy relationship with food.

Being a mom means teaching her how to act appropriately. She needs to be proud of who she is, but also be humble.

Being a mom means teaching her the respect she deserves from everyone. Especially men. —- Sorry N, it’s gonna happen at some point haha

Being a mom means putting her in the crib just to take a fast shower and cry and cry so you can get it out before having to go out to do our daily routines.

Being a mom means I get to have fun and dress her in cute outfits while I get to wear yoga pants, a t-shirt and my hair up. I’m okay with that!

Being a mom means I need to teach her about God and how He comes before everything in her life.

Being a mom means sometimes being so uncomfortable so that your child can sleep peacefully on you. Not going to the bathroom, your butt getting bruised, or your back is just hurting like heck.

Being a mom means when you hear something is wrong with your daughter your heart stops for a minute and you get sick to your stomach, but holding it together so you can figure out what you need to do to make her better.

Being a mom has been such a blessing, especially since we were told it probably wouldn’t happen.

Being a mom means doing anything and everything to protect your children

And lastly,

Being a mom means loving your children with all of your being.

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone,

<3 M