The Present Moment

I can never live up to the amount I want to be. I want to be the mom who is always present, the mom who can just focus on her child and enjoy every moment spent with them. Yet, here I am, fighting depression, anxiety and all this other stuff day in and day out where I can't just be with little E. I hate it, but I fight it constantly everyday, because she's worth it. I wake up groggy from the previous night's medication, then throughout the day I take my anxiety medication to help with racing thoughts or the tightness in my body, the fear I have constantly around my weight and those medications make you tired. I ignore everything so I can focus on her, but am I really doing her a favor? No, not at all. I never understood the phrase, "You have to help yourself first before you can help anyone," but its hit home pretty well recently. I've ignored so much since we've moved here, like I didn't really want it to be real. I miss Augusta, I miss our friends, I miss my doctor (even though that's weird) and I miss our house. I miss feeling semi comfortable, and then this move came along and turned my world upside down. I'm scared to make friends, one because I'm weird haha and two because I'm scared to get too close, also I'm more comfortable in my house so why leave? haha. In high school, I was friends with a group of girls who I loved dearly, and then one day they shut me out. I never knew why, maybe because of my eating disorder, or maybe just for whatever reason, but it hurt and I felt like I haven't recovered since. Sounds pathetic right?  Well, I found that home again with my friends in Augusta and it was amazing, but then I lost it. How can I keep going through the pain of losing friendships and feeling comfortable to feeling that loneliness every few years for months on end? It's happened here, and I hate it. It's going to happen again, and that's where I've been getting into my vicious cycle of depression. My brain never, ever stops and the only way to help is distraction, but that doesn't really make me present. Little E is walking now, FINALLY after 2 years of therapy, and I couldn't be more proud. I keep thinking that I've missed so much of her being little, even though I was with her all the time, because I was so wrapped up in my brain, thoughts and worries, I missed stuff. Now that I recognize this is it going to go away? Not right away and I have to be okay with that, but I have the ability to realize when things are making my brain go haywire now, where I can just sit down and breathe. Even with little E. She's been loving to cuddle recently, and when I get on the floor, she is right there with me and I teach her what I'm doing. Does she understand? Not completely, but I'll be damned if I pass this on to my little girl. I will get there, and I know I will. I just need more patience with myself, and understand that I'm not ever going to be that perfect person, or better yet, that perfect mom. I've done pretty well so far though, because I've seen what a sweet, happy girl she's turning into. Though she's 2 so we all know she can be crazy.

This is the military life, and I better get used to it. I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this, and I wish more people would be more open about the struggle of everyday life in the military and being a mom (or dad!). Well, cheers to you reading this who understand what all of this is like and keeps pushing. We can't let our worries and thoughts take over our life, because they will and we will miss the best parts of living. Remember to sit down, ground yourself in the moment, take a breath and smile. You'll enjoy it ;)


<3 M

Here's a picture because I love it.