My First Mother's Day

My “first” — I say first because when I found out I was pregnant I already called myself a mom– Mother’s Day was spent in a place no mother should.

I have a very best friend, Melissa, who was actually the first person I befriended here in Georgia. She has turned out to be one of my closest friends and there’s not a lot I won’t share with her (thank you for that haha). She just had to go through what no mother should, her son was declared brain dead this morning. She had been at the hospital with her son since Thursday.  Her son had surgery on Monday and things started getting bad the day after. I first of all, want to tell you how wonderful this woman and her son is. I look up to her so much and I don’t even think she knows it. She is by far one of the most strongest people I know and the first person I go to for advice when I need it and I always cherish her advice. She’s helped me through the darkest years I’ve ever had, and I’ve become a better person because of her. I never really got to meet her son, but through what Melissa has told me I should have.

All of this time while watching her at the hosptial, I’ve been admiring her for how strong she is. It got me thinking if I could ever go through anything like this and survive. I kept holding little E closer and closer as each day passed and her son was still in the ICU, and it got me thinking…

What does being a mother mean to me?

First of all, it means the world to me to have a child, let alone the sweet little girl that we were blessed with. Being a mom is having Emma when I least expected it, 7 weeks early, after being in the hospital for 6 days. I will never let her live that down, I was on magnesium sulfate 3 different times, but that didn’t stop her haha.

Being a mom means your whole world turned upside down the day she was born. She wasn’t breathing when she came out and I never knew that I could be so afraid of something. It wasn’t just N and I anymore, we had this precious new life that we had to take care of.

Being a mom means waking up every hour to check on your new born to make sure she’s breathing. It’s getting up whenever she starts to cry because you need to feed her. It’s getting up even when you know she’s not hungry, but maybe scared or just needs to know that you’re there. It means you are her safe place, and that means more to me than I could have ever imagined.

Being a mom means I get frustrated. There’s times where I’m frustrated because I don’t know why she’s crying and times where I just want to scream. I don’t though, because she’s just trying to tell me something. (I may have screamed on a couple of occasions…just not with her in the room haha)

Being a mom means it takes FOREVER to get anywhere. I used to be the person who was 30 minutes early overtime, not anymore. Yes, that bugs me haha but I need to cherish her being this small. It won’t last for long

Being a mom means I need to take care of myself so that she grows up knowing to love and respect her body and have a healthy relationship with food.

Being a mom means teaching her how to act appropriately. She needs to be proud of who she is, but also be humble.

Being a mom means teaching her the respect she deserves from everyone. Especially men. —- Sorry N, it’s gonna happen at some point haha

Being a mom means putting her in the crib just to take a fast shower and cry and cry so you can get it out before having to go out to do our daily routines.

Being a mom means I get to have fun and dress her in cute outfits while I get to wear yoga pants, a t-shirt and my hair up. I’m okay with that!

Being a mom means I need to teach her about God and how He comes before everything in her life.

Being a mom means sometimes being so uncomfortable so that your child can sleep peacefully on you. Not going to the bathroom, your butt getting bruised, or your back is just hurting like heck.

Being a mom means when you hear something is wrong with your daughter your heart stops for a minute and you get sick to your stomach, but holding it together so you can figure out what you need to do to make her better.

Being a mom has been such a blessing, especially since we were told it probably wouldn’t happen.

Being a mom means doing anything and everything to protect your children

And lastly,

Being a mom means loving your children with all of your being.

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone,

<3 M

Because you don't know me well enough ;)

4 months. It’s been 4 months since N left and I still feel like I’m trying to keep my head above water! I mean I felt that when he was here too….but what did I know back then haha.

Well, I’ve been stuck writing a blog for awhile and its getting frustrating. I start something and then I think it’s stupid so I try a different topic, and that sounds stupid… it keeps going. I wrote a partial blog on my anxiety lately, but I wanted to post something more fun. Remember those myspace (yeah, I went there) and Facebook surveys? I thought I’d do one so y’all can know me a bit more 🙂

If you could get rid of all your clothes and get all new ones, would you?

Yes! I’m in the process of updating my wardrobe. 

What is my dream you say? Go on a shopping spree with no money limit. I can wish right??

If you could take a 3-day vacation to anywhere in your state, where would go?

I guess I don’t really know a place to go here. I would like to go back to where N and I had a Valentine’s Day getaway since I was pregnant and sick the whole time haha. We could actually go hiking and stuff.

If you could take a week long vacation to another state, where would you go?

First thought was back to Florida in Orlando, but then I remembered how tired I am. I don’t care as long as there’s a beach out the back porch, my hubby by my side and a margarita in my hand, with little E not crying once. *sigh*

If you could visit any country for a week, where would you go?

Ugh, I want to go to so many places! I would probably choose Europe since there is a lot more there that I want to visit.

Do you have any clothing that you’ve had for ten years or more?

I do, I do!

Do you have a hard time letting go of things?

I have a small tendency for that lol

Do you wish you had a mentor?

I technically do?

Does your life make sense?

Haha, you’re so funny. It does and doesn’t. Military life doesn’t make sense in general haha.

If you could dye your hair any color for just one day, which color would you dye it?

I have actually never wanted to dye my hair a crazy color. I did see someone who had gotten her hair done with purple and pink and white mixture I think, it was actually really pretty and I’d try it for a day.

If you HAD to get a tattoo and had five seconds to decide what to get, what would you get?

My three legged cat, Easel’s paw print

Do you want to start over? (with life)

There are things that I wish didn’t happen in my life obviously, but I can honestly say I wouldn’t want to. I’ve grown so much and wouldn’t have been able to do that without everything. Plus, I have a pretty sexy hubby and cute baby 😉

Coffee or tea?

Tea!! I’m an Irish girl

What theme would you choose to decorate your dream house?

Pinterest has made it very hard to answer this question, it changes!

Have you ever shopped at Buckle?

Nope! I’m cheap haha

List ten of your favorite stores.

Target, TJ Maxx, Marshalls, HomeGoods, PetSmart, Old Navy, Bath and Body Works, Hobby Lobby, Michaels, and did I say Target??

List five things you would like to do this week.

What I WOULD like is to get my nails done and my hair cut, but alas having a last minute root canal has changed that for me haha. Chores though, I have a million.

Who do you feel the best around?

Hands down, my husband. He annoys me sometimes though haha

What is one thing you can’t live without?

There are obvious answers like my husband and daughter, they’re not “things” but besides that I will always have to have an animal. I could never live somewhere and not have one. Animals aren’t things either by the way haha, but it was the best answer I could give!

Hope y’all enjoyed that! I’m working on another blog, hopefully this will help my writers block!

-M

I have super powers??

“I have super powers?”I ran across this the other day:) 

I laughed SO hard! I loved it!

Then it actually got me thinking. I actually did think (and still do sometimes) that my eating disorder and everything that goes along with it was a super power. When people asked me how I could go so long without eating, I felt powerful and strong. The one thing I had control over, even though that was a subconscious thought. I still have trouble eating, but I’m doing much better than I was. Though, continuously getting stomach bugs isn’t helping -_-. In a way, I guess the other ways I deal with things I view as a super power too. Y’all, I’m a pro at avoiding feeling emotions, dealing with conflicts and probably a bunch of other stuff that I’m actually avoiding thinking about right now haha. Is this going to help me get better though?? Not at all.

This was perfect for me to come across, as my appointment this week, my doctor (the awesome man that he is) finally made me realize that I am STILL avoiding allowing myself to feel the pain, hurt, sadness, fear, loneliness and whatever else I’m feeling that I haven’t figured out yet about N leaving and a bunch of other things that are too much to talk about right now. Yes, I married a soldier and yes, I know what I was “asking” for even though I hate when people say that. Though I don’t necessarily think it is a “super power,” I think a small part of me does in a way because it’s a way to protect myself from something that just hurts too much. I hate feeling pain, both physical and emotional, but honestly if I could pick I would rather pick the physical, which explains why I used to cut myself. I’m about to get real “kumbaya” on y’all for a minute. We need to let ourselves feel, you will literally go crazy and it will come out in other ways without you meaning for it to. It isn’t healthy to keep it stuffed down in your pretty little latched box. Love yourself, be kind to yourself, forgive yourself and take care of yourself. Part of that is allowing yourself to feel things to be able to move past them.

I’ve been stuck for a long time now about allowing myself to feel certain things we’re working on. I honestly do try because I’m realizing it truly does help, but there is like a wall blocking me from allowing myself to feel it. I think I’m so used to blocking out all the emotions that I’m not really quite sure HOW to let myself feel everything. There’s times where it obviously comes out, aka the legit panic attacks I had not too long ago. Since I’ve had them, I’ve been working so tirelessly allowing myself to feel so it doesn’t happen again, but I fail every time because it’s like my brain doesn’t want me to think about it.

This isn’t a super power guys, this is hell. I’m in my brain all day continuously fighting myself or over-analyzing something or even just obsessing over certain thoughts and then trying to just distract myself so I don’t have to deal with the uncomfortableness.   When I let myself feel in my doctor’s office, I feel like same thing as I felt when I cut myself or when I purged after eating. That numb and tired feeling you get. Most of you have no idea what I’m talking about, but it’s real. So, I KNOW that allowing myself to feel emotions works and is so healthy, then why can’t I just allow myself to do it? Good question……I’ll get back to you on that haha.

Among other news, I don’t think my house will ever be clean again haha. Single parenting is the pitts.

-M

The big D

Well folks, we're on our first big D as a married couple. By big D, I mean deployment. Dun dun duuuunnn. The horrid thing that separates spouses from families, that separates couples, that has people going to war, but that has people keeping us safe...and giving us the beautiful thing of freedom.

A lot of people think that the military life is like flowers and happy sunshines. I mean, when you see pictures like this, it looks like we're happy go lucky! It's a lie...all lies...

Aren't we cute?! Picture credit to BG Photography! Book with her, do it! You won't be disappointed.

Now, I'm being very negative. I'm very proud to be Nick's wife and love our life even though it is hard, but the big D does things to you haha. 

With all that said, I want my husband back. I'm home alone with our 4 month old daughter, one who won't remember her daddy being there when she was born and there with her the first 4 months of her life, it breaks my heart. No child remembers, but she just won't get to grow up in her first year with him here. I'm so proud of my husband and I miss him with every ounce of my being, I just hate it for him AND for little E. The military is really great at messing things up sometimes for families, but that's part of the sacrifice families give, so that their spouse can serve their country.

It's been really difficult for us. Okay really, it's just been difficult for me. Pity party of one right here. I miss him, I miss him walking through the door at night to see us, I miss watching him with little E and of course the fur babies too. I miss watching our shows together, I even miss just kissing him goodnight, I miss my absolute best friend. I'm doing everything I can to continue eating even though ED says "Don't." I want more than anything to not eat, to get that numb feeling so I don't have to focus on how tough this really is, but I know that's not possible. Now, I'm not gonna sit here a say that I eat everything I'm supposed to, but I'm doing better than what I thought I would be. I'm needing to get out more though. I realized yesterday that I had only left the house a few times since N left. I'm comfortable at home and when I'm upset or my depression worsens I stay at home. At the time it feels good and that's why I do it, but is that going to help me though? No, not at all, it will just make it worse. Don't follow my footsteps people!

I'm going to share the exciting things of the day they leave. You don't know when exactly they leave, then they change the date, change the date again, change it again and oh wait again! Honestly, this time wasn't bad...so that makes me think the coming home is going to be terrible haha. Then you get to THE day of them leaving. Y'all, its torture. We were in the gym for 6 hours I think? Just sitting there and waiting for that time to say goodbye. There's a lot of "waiting" in the military, it's called "hurry up and wait." It's so true! How about we just make it short and sweet. Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for the extra time we got with him...but come on folks. We're already sad, we've been crying for weeks, we didn't sleep much the night before and we're in a room full of crying and depressed people. Who wants to do that for 6+ hours?! NO ONE! I don't know one single person that loves doing that. Give us like 30 minutes to an hour and then leave. We know it's coming, we know they're leaving and we've known about it for a long time. Just do it already! Next deployment though, you bet I'll be waiting those long hours again!

This is our final goodbye...can someone pass the tissues??😭

 Not having him here stinks, really bad. In all honesty though, I had a much harder time in the pre-deployment phase because of all the worrying and "what if's." My doctor and I literally worked on dealing with the deployment for 9 months in therapy before it actually happened.  When did I actually allow myself to deal with it?? After they left haha. I'm stressed, sure, but now that it's here I don't have to anticipate the hurt that comes with saying "goodbye" because it's happened. Nothing I can do. In reality there was nothing I could do before either, but now that it's here I can focus and get excited about him coming home! It's going to be awhile....but still! Who's ready for homecoming?! This girl RIGHT here! Yes, I may or may not be searching for a coming home outfit already. Don't judge.

Word of advice, countdowns are great, but I'm going to try and focus on counting down the months instead of days (even though we don't have a date yet). You just focus on the huge number and get upset by how far you have left. We all know I obsess over numbers already, why make it worse for myself?? I'll keep y'all updated on how this goes though.

Here are a few pictures our wonderful photographer, Bethany, took of us before he left. It was so hard to choose, so I'm posting more than I had planned haha.

Use BG Photography people!

BG Photography, use her!

Look how precious!!

Last, but not least. This is our relationship pretty much all the time 😂

Praying for all the military and for the ones who are gone to come home safely!

<3 M

"I need to eat this," I say to myself as I stare at my plate. Something I think every time I take a bite. Something happened when I was pregnant though, ED had gotten more quite. He was always still there, but a little quieter none the less. It was so nice to not always feel so guilty or upset about eating what I was or how much. I even let myself eat food I hadn't eaten in YEARS. I was doing it at first because my first trimester was SO bad. I was getting sick probably about 10 times a day unless I ate something that I was craving. Later on though, I ate it because I craved it and I know logically I was craving it because little E needed it. I did everything I could to keep her safe and healthy, even though I cried almost every night as I looked in the mirror. I didn't gain anywhere near what my dietician wanted me to, but I did gain weight to a number I did not like. I did have a lot harder time when I was really starting to show, but my doctor also didn't weigh me every week like he usually does. That kind of helped, but also had its own struggles because I had no idea. The urge to purge was still there, but I wasn't going to because I wasn't going to take anything away from little E. I actually had a huge urge today and was going to when I went to change little E's diaper, but didn't because I didn't want her to see it. How can I be a good mother and good example if I'm letting ED take over? I would never want my child to do this to her or even himself if we ever have a boy. Yes boys do get ED's too. Just an FYI haha.

Now that little E is here, I'm starting to struggle a lot more. She's not in me anymore, I'm also not breastfeeding anymore because my body just didn't produce enough milk, so whats the point of eating how I was still?  ED has come back full force and is yelling at me everyday. I secretly cry almost every night because I'm scared. I'm scared I'll get back to where I was, even though a part of me does want to get back down to my lowest weight. I'm scared I won't be able to be there for E. I'm scared I'll be put in the hospital again. I'm scared I'll still be staying in the house all of the time because I'm too depressed to leave. I'm scared of my weight going up again and that I won't be able to control it. I'm scared that I have a new baby and I'll "mess her up." I'm scared because N is deploying and I'm going to be a single mom. I have no idea how to do this, let alone by myself. I'm having trouble with the lack of sleep, I'm so tired ALL THE TIME and its just going to get worse when N leaves. I'm so scared I'm going to pass this on to my daughter. How can I beat this? How can I stop ED and live my life the way I want? I've said this so many times, but I wish there was a switch to turn off the voice. There are times I'm happy I still have the comfort and "friend" next to me, but all it does is bring me misery. My family doesn't deserve this, and I'm starting to learn that I don't deserve this, which is a huge step and possibly a light at the end of the tunnel?? Maybe? Hopefully? 

I need all the prayers y'all can give for me the next few months if you can! I've been praying so much, and I know that God is right next to me, holding my hand through this even though it doesn't feel like it at times. 

Thank you to everyone who has also been so supportive the past 2 months. We had friends come over to clean our house and finish the nursery while I was in the hospital. I had so many visitors that brought me things and things that little E needed. I also had a great great friend who stayed the night with me until N got there. Thank you thank you thank you times a million. We have such amazing friends here! You will never know how grateful we are.

Love,

M

Just wanted to show off :)

The first time I saw her, N took his phone in the NICU and we Facetimed :)

Our first family picture <3

It is now July. Happy almost Independence Day!

What have I been up to you may ask? I've been consistently busy! Doctor appointments, baby stuff, keeping up with the house, keeping up with the animals and FRG stuff are all just part of what I do on a daily basis. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrible at keeping up with the house lately. Sometimes days go by with clean laundry on the couch that I need to put up, or I go 3-4 days without sweeping our brand new hard floors. "But you have 4 animals!" Trust me, I know its gross. Honestly, I'm trying to enjoy my time alone while I have it and give myself rest that I desperately need.

Being pregnant is hard, y'all. I'm always so so tired and I'm starting to get pretty uncomfortable. Yay right? Top it off with constantly crying on a daily basis when you look in the mirror when you're alone and hating yourself everyday because you're getting fatter (that was ED, lets go with bigger). Its taken such an emotional toll on me because it's literally my worst nightmare and fear coming true. Now, before y'all say...."but you're pregnant" or "All you're doing is feeding baby" or "You should be happy you got pregnant," I know all of this. I KNOW I'm pregnant because I can feel our little lady kicking inside me everyday. You think that it would make it easier, but it doesn't. I love and am absolutely blessed and happy that I'm pregnant. N and I are having a sweet baby girl. I couldn't be more proud than to be a wife AND mother. Then why do I still get upset? It's because for some reason, when I look at or feel myself I just see fat and the reality of my stomach getting bigger when for YEARS I have done everything to keep myself as skinny as possible. It just doesn't connect that it's baby. Logically I know it is our sweet little girl, but then ED pretty much blurs the rest and makes me so anxious that I can't connect the two. I can in a way, but its very difficult to get there and usually doesn't last long. I haven't given up trying though, which is probably why I'm so tired. I feel like I'm back at square one with my mental state/recovery, so I'm constantly fighting every minute of everyday. I have stopped allowing myself to eat my "bad" foods, but will try some every once in awhile. Which is huge! Just not where I was earlier in pregnancy. I'm keeping up with my food intake though, and our little is doing well, which helps momma through all this mess and confusion.

Vent time:
Y'all, I've have such a great experience...for the most part...with Army doctors. I have a wonderful physician who's helped me more than I could have ever hoped. I've met an army psychiatrist who got me in touch with the best team of doctors I could have ever hoped for in this long difficult journey of recovery. But seriously, what in the world is wrong with the OBs?! I'm considered high risk for obvious reasons, so I am seen on the "10th floor" instead of Family Medicine. Why don't they all go see actual OBs you ask? I have no freaking clue. Anyways, every experience I've had with an OB except ONE appointment has been terrible and I've left in tears. Now I completely understand that they don't have any/much knowledge on eating disorders or how they work and what not to say. Come on though, telling me "You don't look pregnant, just a little fat" is ridiculous and should never be told to ANYONE no matter the mental state. They have clearly told me (okay, one nurse has) that they have no idea how to handle my case. After that, you would think one would be referred off post to someone who is better applicable, but no. They don't. To top it off, I have no idea who will be delivering our baby. And if its one particular doctor that I will not name, I will go insane. I will do everything I can to kick him out of my room. That is how terrible this doctor is. I could go on and on, but I'll just leave it at this before certain words come out of my mouth haha.

Near death experience:
As I was driving to Mass in Aiken for their first Friday Latin Mass, I stopped somewhere in SC to get something to eat because I wasn't able to eat lunch before I had to leave. After I got some food, I proceeded to merge on the highway...or tried to. There was a space between a car and an 18-wheeler, so I put on my turn signal to get over because the road was starting to run out. Turns out the semi truck didn't want me to go in front of him....even though there was no other option than to completely stop on the merge lane to let him pass and have a car hit me from behind and possibly cause multiple accidents. He started to speed up, but I had no more road so I had to get over. I then got in his lane, he decided to blow his horn non stop and tail the crap out of me, then proceeded to get into the next lane and try and push me off the road. Now, I don't know if he was trying to push me off or just scare the crap out of me...but he was halfway in my lane multiple times blowing his horn. I was forced out of the road to the point where just my left front and rear tire were in the actual lane. I tried to slow down so he could pass, and to get his license plate number (muhahaha) but he kept matching my speed to keep me next to him. I was luckily able to speed up and get out of there though. All while he was blowing his horn. Good day to you Mr truck driver. Hope to never have to go through that again.

Besides all this, we are slowly getting baby's room together which is making things feel so real! I'm so blessed to have so many people already hand make gifts for her. She is going to be so spoiled.

Our next adventure is Oregon. N is leaving this week and I will be following a week after. I couldn't leave my fur babies for 2 whole weeks. Also no doctor appointments in 3 weeks would be rough haha. This is N's longest leave he's taken since before we moved here. He's pretty happy and I'm excited to spend some quality time with him and his family :)


-M

Well y'all. N and I are expecting a baby in October! I truly never thought I'd say I'd be pregnant after everything I've done to my body over the years with my eating disorder, but we were blessed with the news of a little one in February.

On February 9, right after my weekly therapy appointment I was driving home and had the sudden urge to take a pregnancy test. No idea why, it just came in my head. I had one at home so I did it for giggles. Well, turned out to be positive. I was shocked but my heart was SO overjoyed! I didn't believe it at first so I texted a couple of friends and asked them if what I was seeing was real and I was told to go out to get a digital test. So I did, turned out to be positive too! Then I took another one the next morning to be sure and it said I was pregnant! I called my doctor on Wednesday after the 3rd test and got an appointment for later that day for a test at the hospital. The urine test they did came back negative. I almost broke down, but my doctor came in and said he was doing a blood test as well so to just go home and relax until I heard from him. About an hour after I left the hospital he called and sounded so sad and my heart started to break again, and then said "Well, I don't know why the urine test came back negative, because you're definitely pregnant!" I literally screamed "WHAT?!" into the phone in his ear. It was great haha he laughed. I was so overjoyed and was so excited to tell N that we were for sure pregnant!

Then things changed, we had talked for a minute after he gave me the news, and I guess he could hear the strain in my voice when it finally hit me that I had to do what has terrified me since I was 9. Gain a significant amount of weight after my "healthy weight." He calmed me down some, and really said some thoughtful and very meaningful words. One being, "I know you're going to be such a great mom even though you might not see it right now." Its a fear, that I have only told N, a select few friends and my doctors about. I am so scared I'll screw up my child. I'm so scared he/she will inherit my eating disorder, my insecurities, my anxiety and depression. I know for a fact though that I will do everything in my power to not let that happen, and that I've learned so much to know how to help if something does happen, but it still scares me. Because you know, anxiety :P.

It also hit me that I'll be a single parent for 9 months soon after our little joy is here. I have absolutely no idea how to be a mom. Let alone, how to be a supportive wife during deployment, dealing with my fears and anxieties while staying healthy and keeping a brave face for everyone, being an FRG leader and knowing NOTHING how to do it during a deployment and being strong for those spouses when in fact I'm terrified as well. This will be our first deployment since we've been married. I've been through a couple, one with an ex and one with N when we were just dating. Both were extremely difficult, but I didn't have to live with them when they got back. I was able to get back in the flow of things whenever they were home slowly, but now I'm married and this time it won't happen slowly haha. I have to learn to live by myself, learn to raise a child by myself, learn to teach our little one about how brave and wonderful their daddy is, learn to deal with the house by myself, and learn how to deal with my continuing nightmares without N waking me up in the middle of the night to stop them. I'm sure I will get everything down, but then N will be home and then things will change again and then I'll have to relearn everything! Have I ever mentioned I hate change?? Cause I do! Change is good though, especially the coming home part :). I'm just overwhelmed by becoming a mother, seeing and feeling my body change drastically, and then having to say goodbye or "see you later" to my best friend.

I know its selfish not wanting to gain the weight that I have to, but I also know its my ED thoughts. My healthy thoughts are the one that wants to start a family, that wants our little one to grow big and strong. Its my healthy thoughts that will do everything to keep our child happy, healthy and safe AND to keep ME happy, healthy and safe. Its just amazing on how well I was doing, and now I feel like I'm starting over. Okay, not REALLY starting over, because I haven't done any behaviors, but ED is for sure back to yelling at me all day everyday. I didn't realize until the past few weeks but he was quieter for a bit. That or I was just learning to tune him out. Well, its a lot harder now. Especially when your OBs make comments about your weight that is neither right or appropriate. I have an amazing team of doctors though (minus the OBs :P), great friends AND great coping skills to get me through this AND I'll have my Jenni Schaefer books to help keep me company while I keep pushing myself :). Will it be a hard pregnancy? Probably, and here I am thinking I was ready for this :P. I am though, and I know I am, but my fears tend to get stuck in my head and don't go anywhere! Can you say annoying!? I have to keep doing what I've been doing, and enjoy (no matter how hard it is) everyday of this pregnancy, because who knows if this is the only time I'll carry a blessing? I hope not, but you never know. We are very lucky for this one, that's for sure. And its not like my doctors tell me this every time I see them haha. Thanks guys.

I have come so far since even 3 years ago. 3 years ago, only a couple of days off, is when I weighed myself for the first time in years at NASA and completely changed and relapsed. Who would have thought I would be pregnant by now? Who would of thought I'd be eating "bad" foods because I WANT them. NOT ME Y'ALL! And to be clear, there is no such thing as "bad" or "good" food. I read recently about "always" and "sometimes" food. I like that a lot better, and will teach my child just that. Its amazing how things change, when you feel like they never would. I have to admit there are times I still feel like stuff won't change, but I know better now.



Love,
M