"I need to eat this," I say to myself as I stare at my plate. Something I think every time I take a bite. Something happened when I was pregnant though, ED had gotten more quite. He was always still there, but a little quieter none the less. It was so nice to not always feel so guilty or upset about eating what I was or how much. I even let myself eat food I hadn't eaten in YEARS. I was doing it at first because my first trimester was SO bad. I was getting sick probably about 10 times a day unless I ate something that I was craving. Later on though, I ate it because I craved it and I know logically I was craving it because little E needed it. I did everything I could to keep her safe and healthy, even though I cried almost every night as I looked in the mirror. I didn't gain anywhere near what my dietician wanted me to, but I did gain weight to a number I did not like. I did have a lot harder time when I was really starting to show, but my doctor also didn't weigh me every week like he usually does. That kind of helped, but also had its own struggles because I had no idea. The urge to purge was still there, but I wasn't going to because I wasn't going to take anything away from little E. I actually had a huge urge today and was going to when I went to change little E's diaper, but didn't because I didn't want her to see it. How can I be a good mother and good example if I'm letting ED take over? I would never want my child to do this to her or even himself if we ever have a boy. Yes boys do get ED's too. Just an FYI haha.

Now that little E is here, I'm starting to struggle a lot more. She's not in me anymore, I'm also not breastfeeding anymore because my body just didn't produce enough milk, so whats the point of eating how I was still?  ED has come back full force and is yelling at me everyday. I secretly cry almost every night because I'm scared. I'm scared I'll get back to where I was, even though a part of me does want to get back down to my lowest weight. I'm scared I won't be able to be there for E. I'm scared I'll be put in the hospital again. I'm scared I'll still be staying in the house all of the time because I'm too depressed to leave. I'm scared of my weight going up again and that I won't be able to control it. I'm scared that I have a new baby and I'll "mess her up." I'm scared because N is deploying and I'm going to be a single mom. I have no idea how to do this, let alone by myself. I'm having trouble with the lack of sleep, I'm so tired ALL THE TIME and its just going to get worse when N leaves. I'm so scared I'm going to pass this on to my daughter. How can I beat this? How can I stop ED and live my life the way I want? I've said this so many times, but I wish there was a switch to turn off the voice. There are times I'm happy I still have the comfort and "friend" next to me, but all it does is bring me misery. My family doesn't deserve this, and I'm starting to learn that I don't deserve this, which is a huge step and possibly a light at the end of the tunnel?? Maybe? Hopefully? 

I need all the prayers y'all can give for me the next few months if you can! I've been praying so much, and I know that God is right next to me, holding my hand through this even though it doesn't feel like it at times. 

Thank you to everyone who has also been so supportive the past 2 months. We had friends come over to clean our house and finish the nursery while I was in the hospital. I had so many visitors that brought me things and things that little E needed. I also had a great great friend who stayed the night with me until N got there. Thank you thank you thank you times a million. We have such amazing friends here! You will never know how grateful we are.

Love,

M

Just wanted to show off :)

The first time I saw her, N took his phone in the NICU and we Facetimed :)

Our first family picture <3