I feel stuck. It's almost like no matter how much I try I just can't get better. Like I'm the only person who just can't recover from her eating disorder. Its so frustrating and depressing. It makes it hard to WANT to move forward. When I feel motivation to do something beyond my disorder, like becoming a speaker against eating disorder (which is something I REALLY want to do), I can't because I have to be fully recovered for a year....and I'm not even close to that. At least I feel that way, my doctor might say different haha. It just demotivates me and makes me feel like whats the point of even trying. Its just another way my disorder has ruined my life (drama queen right now) or has made it just that more difficult. I'm just re reading Goodbye Ed, Hello Me again and again to get that motivation from Jenni Schaefer and hopefully I will get to see her in October at the NEDA Conference! Pray I get a scholarship! Happy thoughts!

I've come so far, which I see. Especially from past journal entries, I've come so far. It just feels like I have so much farther to go and it doesn't seem to be in my grasp. I used to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but now its all dark again. Where is the light that I so desperately need to see? What is real recovery? I felt like I was on the road and now I'm in the murkiness of ED again and can't see anywhere. I really need to get out of my head, my thoughts are what are killing me. I need to go beyond them, but just can't. Its like ED is whispering in my ear that I need him, that I can't do this on my own. That if I leave him I'll be even more miserable. How can I believe the wise words of Jenni Schaefer that things do get better, how do I believe when my doctor says I will be happy once I let ED go? It terrifies me. How do I get passed this point? Its so frustrating guys, but I know I need to keep walking forward. I need to have faith. I need to trust my doctors and my support team. I CAN do this.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I need to look on the plus side! Good things have been happening the past few months, which is really exciting. One thing is, my doctor asked me to tell my story in front of a class of medical students at a college here in Georgia. I was SO nervous, but I think it went well and I actually felt like I helped many to understand a little more about eating disorders. Its a step in the direction to become a real speaker against them as well. One day :)

Next good thing, I started my own business! WHAT?! Yeah totally crazy. I might just be a little excited. I started my own photography business. I thought it was a good idea at the time (still do) but there are so many people around here that it might have been a crazy idea, but I'm going for it! No paying clients yet, but I'm hoping to have a couple of ones soon since I just keep building my portfolio :)

Last, but not least! N is taking Company Command in 2 weeks! I am so incredibly proud of him and just wait for an overload of pictures. I can't wait for this exciting time for him, he's been waiting for it for so long and now its finally here! Then I'll get to say goodbye to my husband for 2 years ;) Jk, but really though, he said he'll be super busy and I'll barely see him. Time to pick up some more hobbies to keep my busy!


M

Y'all, its been 9 months since I've been in the hospital last. Before that I was in 4 different times within a 5 month period. Not to say I've been threatened with it a few times within the past 9 months, but I feel so proud for fighting so much. Then there's this other side of me who feels guilty because I'm breaking my ED rules. Rules that I have yet to figure out how to change in my mind. I'm eating out, which is still very limited, but guys...I'm eating at restaurants. BIG no no in ED's book. I'm eating most of my meals and snacks. I'm getting out of the house by doing plays and I'm taking an acting class thanks to a great person who offered to help me get back into acting. Something I wouldn't have thought I could get myself to do even 6 months ago because my self confidence was shot. I've had lapses and relapses (which is normal on the road to recovery), but I have been able to get myself to eat again and gain weight (its been up and down a lot lol but thats ok).
Recently I had a pretty big relapse. I lost my aunt, 6 months after my grandfather past. I got under 100 lbs, which I haven't been since I went to the treatment center in April. I was so happy, but yet so mad at myself because I allowed ED to take over my life again. I lost all the focus I built up, I lost concentration, I felt like I was in a daze again, a fog. I forgot how stupid I was when I was way below my minimum healthy weight. And yes, I mean stupid. I couldn't think properly, I couldn't answer simple questions. I realized I'm not a member of society when I relapse. It scared me. Am I having trouble gaining weight still? Yes, but I finally realized what it actually does to me, which is a huge step in my book and helps give me a push in the right direction to keep fighting. ED is still in my thoughts every second of everyday and its one miserable fight, but I am moving forward to divorcing him. That scares the hell out of me too, but reading this book called "Goodbye ED, Hello Me" has helped me gain a new perspective on recovery. Its an amazing book, and is helping me realize that recovery might be better then keeping ED in my life. As scared as I am for losing ED, I'm starting to be excited about the possibility of a life without him. We could have a baby, and if anyone knows me at all, you know I want a family more than anything. I could get a job and actually be good at it. I can continue to volunteer to help out in plays which is something I've loved doing since high school. I can even volunteer with animals which I have a gift for. The biggest one of all, I can help support my husband while he takes command. There are things that set me back everyday, but I think I just need to keep reading and rereading the book by Jenni Schaefer to keep giving me strength to fight for the life I deserve. So thank you thank you thank you to Jenni Schaefer for helping me on this very long road to recovery. Thank you for showing me how life should actually be like. Thank you for being so strong and confident when I feel like I can't be. You've helped me so much, and I don't even know you. Maybe one day I will be lucky enough to.

Wow has it been awhile lol. Life has picked up for me and hasn't slowed down at all!
New things are scary but exciting. I started volunteering for a play doing props. Haven't done that in about 8 years, so I was pretty nervous but I am having SO much fun! I've gotten to meet so many great people and I'm finally able to do something I love after being gone from home for so long. Its the last weekend of the play as well, soooo you should come see it!
Next, WE OWN A HOUSE! Whaaaat?! Still sounds so crazy to me, and makes me feel like such an adult. Who would have thought that a year ago I could say we own a house?! Def not me. But it is beautiful! We finally have a place for everything, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be spoiled when we have to move in a couple of years. Especially the kitchen, it is my favorite place which is funny because I have an eating disorder lol. Little joke, gotta make some fun of it somehow.  Anyways, the kitchen is huge and just perfect. I am so happy with everything Nick and I chose to design the house.

How is recovery going you ask?? Its a headache and its tiring. Its the hardest thing I've ever reached for but somehow I keep pushing through to make it one step closer. Please keep praying for me! Especially during the holidays, which is usually stressful and full of food lol. Yay -_-. My best friend here, Nick and I are going to do the NEDA walk in Athens (which isn't very far) in February. We are so excited!! Remember the conference I was supposed to go to but I relapsed and couldn't go? Its the same people/function, and it raises awareness for eating disorders in people. We're going to have to ask for some donations once we sign up and we plan on doing some car washes and stuff, but if you are able to at all donate even just $1 please do! Its for a good cause and we really need help with research! Ps I hate asking for stuff haha.

Since Thanksgiving just happened, I figured I should write about some things I'm thankful for.
1. My husband -- As hard as this first year has been with me being in the hospital so many times and going through really rough therapy as well as many many breakdowns from me. He has never left my side and has continued to support me through this. He's been so patient and has been my rock and light through this very dark and terrible storm and I couldn't ask for anyone better to spend my life with. Thank you love.
2. My family -- I'm so thankful my parents came to see me when I was in the hospital and picked up Barley to watch him for us. You will never understand how truly grateful I am. I was so scared to tell you what had been happening, but there you were showing up with coloring books and puzzles to keep me busy! The rest of  my family I want to thank for supporting me and all the prayers to help me get to where I am today and helping me keep pushing.
3. My team of doctors -- There are times where I have truly wanted to yell at these people and times where I have truly hated them, but they never have left me.  I would not be where I am today without them. They are very dear and amazing people and I will never be able to thank them enough for what they have done for me and are doing still. I know I've been a pain to them, but they never gave up. And I love them for that
4. My friends -- Y'all know who you are! Thank you for always checking in with me to see how I'm doing and for continuously listening to my rants about everythinnnggg under the sun! I miss you all and hope to get to see some of you over Christmas!
5. My fur babies -- They are a prime example of unconditional love. They always know when I've been upset about not being in Texas or when I just ate and they always do their best to comfort me. No matter how imperfect I am they are always right next to me (or on me haha) giving me lots and lots of love.

We'll be in Texas in a little over 2 weeks now! Get ready y'all!

There's been something on my mind lately, actually everyday lol but something I decided I should write about. The scale. The most dangerous weapon in my fight against ED.


Its something I feel attached to, chained to, glued to. And I hate it, but for the life of me can't seem to walk away from one before I hurry and weigh myself before someone sees. I don't have a scale at home, I'm not allowed to per my doctor and my husband. In reality I know its a good thing, because I used to weight myself over 20 times a day, but if I could have one I would. Scales are everywhere, I get weighed at my doctor's appointments, I go to the pool or gym and there's a scale, I walk by them in Walmart or Target and try one to see if they work. I go to a friends house or a family members house and right there on the floor is a bathroom scale. It haunts me. Why when that stupid number shows up, it makes me sick? I want it to be lower, I want to "just lose 5 more pounds" and then keep going. I KNOW I will never be happy with what comes up, but I can't help but want to know what that mysterious number is. Its like I need to know or I'll go crazy. What if I've gained? Maybe I lost and I'll be happy for just a second, but then start planning to lose even more. I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I feel stuck. That annoying number is blocking me from being able to continue some pretty serious work with my doctor. It's blocking me from being able to go out to eat with friends (yes, we have friends here now. YAY), from being able to go on a frozen yogurt date with my husband. Its stopping me from being able to live the life that I want, and not what ED dictates to me. It hurts thinking that so many people have the same issue as me. So if you're going through the same thing, (even if you aren't!) I'm going to make a promise. One day I will take my scale (or one that I had just bought lol) and smash and beat the crap out of it and I will not allow myself to own another one ever again. I will break the chain that binds me and keeps holding me back. One day I will be able to do that, but I have to be ok with where I am now, and keep pushing myself forward no matter how hard it is to.


St. Dymphna, pray for us!

Man, did July fly by or what?! I feel like it was the 1st like yesterday. Who knew it was true when everyone said "Time flies when you're older."








We've had a lot of stuff happen in our family over the past month. One being my grandpa passing away. My dad called me the beginning of July and told me my grandfather wasn't doing well in ICU, so I flew to El Paso that same day. He was really out of it, but no matter what, if someone said they loved him he always somehow answered back. It makes me smile when I think of it. He was such a great and humble man. There's not a day that has gone by that I haven't thought of him and I wish that I had more time. I'm very glad to have been given the chance to say goodbye though. He is one of the best men I know and he'll always hold a special place in my heart.












Before that, in June, I was in one of my best friend's wedding! It was so much fun getting to see her and hang out with other friends. One of the other bridesmaids in the wedding, who is a mutual friend, asked me to be in her wedding as well! I got two more weddings coming up that I'm in! I was going to post pictures, but for some reason I'm not able to right now. Annoying.








One AMAZING and EXCITING news that N and I have is that, an offer we put on a brand new house got accepted!! We actually got to design the house yesterday. I can officially say it was such a long process. I definitely walked out of there with a headache. It was crazy how many decisions we had to make! Knowing me, nothing will match because I have a horrible sense of style when I can't see everything together. Let's hope it turns out well, if not then N is going to have a frantic wife lol. N and I are so excited for this opportunity. It will be finished being built in late November. Now most of you are probably saying, "Wait, you bought a house? Aren't y'all moving in a couple of years?" To answer that, yes we will be, but we plan on renting out the house since population here is going to go way up because of more families are going to be moving here soon.








Other good news, I get to take walks now! I was banned from working out for 6 months because of how obsessed I became with it and they didn't want me having a hard time gaining weight/didn't want me losing anymore weight. Well, I'm almost the weight I need to be AND we can take a break from gaining weight for now. I'm still below what my BMI should be, but its nice to hear that I can take a break from having to see my weight go up every week. Of course its been up and down so much, but it's a good feeling having the doctor trust you enough to not relapse. This also means we're going to get into some really hard therapy work soon and that scares me, but I know I need to to move forward.






We have our little family back together as well! Barley is officially home. Y'all don't even know how excited I am to see a huge difference since we last saw him. He's not biting me anymore, he semi listens AND I'm actually able to have him out of his kennel for hours at a time. It's wonderful. I can't wait till he calms down even more and I don't have to put him in his kennel at all. I'm even more excited, because I feel like now he'll make a great therapy dog. We're going to start training soon for just basics....especially come. He doesn't like listening...so he got more stubborn that way, but we'll fix it! I also can't believe how HUGE he is! 105lbs! What in the world was I thinking when I said I wanted a big dog. Of course I was expecting like a 75lb golden. He's so huge, people think he's mixed with lab haha. Nope, he's just that big. Also, who in their right mind will get a long haired dog? Obviously I wasn't when I said I wanted a golden. I vacuum and not even 5 minutes later I see tufts of hair floating everywhere. UGH. He is pretty darn cute though, I'll have to admit that.

Wow, what a month. I keep trying to figure out how to write about the past month, but its so hard to put into words.


First off, I am beyond blessed to have met so many great people there along with (most of) the staff at UNC. All the patients became like a family because we all were going through pretty much the same thing. We had to make ourselves do exactly what we're afraid of, and it was the hardest thing I've had to put myself through yet. I had such high expectations of this place, and I can honestly say that I learned some things, especially relaxation therapy. I NEED to learn to relax and beat this anxiety lol. On the other hand I was hoping I could actually move past this. All I can think about right now is that I have gained weight and my clothes feel tighter and that stresses me out beyond all measure. I hate it. So it just makes me want to revert back to my old ways. All I can think about is that "I want to be skinny. I hate being this fat." Its so frustrating because I just put myself through therapy multiple times a day, everyday for a month. I guess I expected to be in a better place in my head when I got discharged, and it's discouraging to have these ED thoughts still so loud. Its just kind of like, now what? What else can I do to beat this? And right now it feels like nothing. My therapist keeps telling me I have to keep enduring it. Endure it? I have to hate my body and still force myself to eat as much as I'm being told? Can you even begin to imagine how hard that is to do? And here I was thinking it would be easier when I got out of the hospital lol NOT! I understand the fact that if you don't eat then you will die. Your body needs food, and I understand that with everyone else. To me, that doesn't apply to me though, because "I haven't eaten and I'm fine" I know y'all can argue that as well as I know I can, that's just what battle all the time. Discouraging. Frustrating and I hope those voices get quieter with each passing day. Good thing I have pretty good coping skills :)

I didn't mean for this to turn out all bummed lol so lets list the things that were the worst while I was there to make it even better
- Had to have someone watch us go to the bathroom, every...single...time
- Showers were on timers and were not that hot
- Only allowed to use electric razors which sucked, so basically didn't shave for a month
- Not being able to wear jackets in the freezing meal room
- Getting up at 6 every morning to get vitals, blood taken and weighed. We just wanted to sleep in!


There was more, but those were the worst lol. Its nice going to the bathroom alone again :P.


The good thing about going, is that I am even more sure that I want to get involved with the National Eating Disorder Foundation and finish my degree in Psychology and become a speaker and hopefully help at least one person with this terrible, life destroying disease. I definitely want to incorporate animals in there somewhere. Maybe speak and do pet therapy? Who knows. I just have a strong pull in both directions so pretty sure God is telling me something there.


Other good news is figuring out new hobbies I would love to try and that I have the confidence to go try them now! First thing, I miss acting so incredibly much. I'm so mad at myself for stopping because of one of my ex's.  Worst mistake ever. BUT I have an audition next week for a play here :) I haven't acted in so long, so we'll see how it goes! I would also love to get back into bowling leagues, as well as try something new that I'm not gonna put on here yet :)

I'm still on the line about whether or not to volunteer at an animal shelter....I would try to adopt every animal lol so N and I have to talk about that one...and see if I'm strong enough to say no to those sweet little faces.


I feel like there is so much more that happened over the month, but like I said I just can't put it into words. I missed my husband so much and once again he has gone above and beyond to support me through this. Easel hasn't been that mad at me which is wonderful and hopefully we can get Barley back :) I'm so happy to be home AND next month I get to see some really good friends in Kansas for such a beautiful person on her wonderful wedding that I'm lucky to be apart of ANNND my best friend is flying to GA to see me!! Cannot wait!


Until next time loves,
M

Living In Truth

This certain entry has been a long time coming. Things I am so scared to bring out, but if I don't then it will just get worse because I'm letting it win by keeping it secret. Some of you might have realized I haven't been posting on FB the past couple of weeks. Well here's why...




I've been cheating on my husband. Now, before you make judgments, its not what you think. I'm cheating on him with someone named ED. He's my eating disorder, and even though ED is still who I am, I like to separate my ED thoughts and my healthy thoughts, so I make it into another person. It helps keep me sane sometimes because I can't always tell which thought is "real" and what isn't. I'm anorexic. No, I'm not asking for sympathy, no I'm not saying I think everyone around me is heavy or fat and I hate them for it. Yes, I see myself as fat. My body image is totally distorted in my eyes. I hate every ounce of fat I have on my body. There are times I used to just stand in the mirror every day, every hour and sob because I hated looking how I do. Now I have to keep our mirrors covered. I hate everything about myself. I'm still a complete failure in my eyes, one for how I look, two for how I feel like I was am where in life besides getting to marry the best man I know in my life (serious props to my husband though seriously, I'll get into that more later <3). Most people don't know or understand how eating disorder patients think or why they are even afraid to just be around food. Its hard for me to put into words what my thoughts are throughout the day and about every situation I face. I've been reading some things recently and its amazing to see that other people feel the same as me and it helps me realize my own emotions and helps me phrase my own thoughts. One thing that stood out to me the most was, "Imagine having to face your very worst fear everyday. That's what people with eating disorders do every day." Its so scary how true that is. Even just writing that out makes me have tears in my eyes. I have to face my worse fear everyday, and I hate it. I hate fighting with myself as to why I should or shouldn't eat my meal or just even a single bite of something. Each bite is torture for me and even after your done eating the anxiety doesn't go away because you know there is another meal coming. Even at the last meal of the day, all you think about is "I have to go through this again tomorrow. How am I going to be able to keep fighting?" It is a constant battle in your head. It never leaves your thoughts. That's why I wrote "I've been cheating on my husband." It took me awhile to realize, but I am in a relationship with ED. Its all I think about and its all I surround my life around. Every second of everyday I think about things revolving around food, calories, fat grams, carbs, how much I need to exercise to lose weight, how I need to be perfect, how I need to hide my body, how I'm looking, etc. I've tried to fight the truth to that statement, and I still do sometimes. I don't want to let go because its all I know. Its all I know to help cope with stress or anything that goes wrong or makes me feel uncomfortable. There are times I don't want to admit I'm sick because I don't want ED to leave. I don't want to admit I'm not perfect. I strive to be perfect in everything I do. I realize its exhausting, extremely exhausting, but if I'm not perfect then who am I? Real hard thing to face y'all. I had one of my therapists ask me, "Who are you?" and it surprised me so much to not be able to answer him. I felt stupid, I felt scared, I felt vulnerable. How could I not know who I was? I'm 26 years old, and I have no idea who I am? At that point, I felt like I failed myself again. I wasn't perfect because I had no idea who I was/am. (See the vicious cycle?) Now at this point I'm usually asked, "Is gaining a pound that bad?" and to answer that question, yes. To me it is. It terrifies me. Even thinking about gaining a pound makes me want to cry and breakdown. The thing about anorexia, or any other eating disorder in that matter, is that its not really about food or weight (even though it is a true fear). It has to do with things in their life and stuff that's happened in their past and its a way they learned how to cope with it, it was they only way they knew how. I've been battling with anorexia since I was about 9. It's been a long time, and it will be something that I will battle for the rest of my life I think. It would be great if ED just disappeared completely lol but I acknowledge that ED's voices might not ever fully leave, but I will be strong enough at that point to tell him to shut up.


Just because someone is of "average weight" and eating doesn't mean they don't have an eating disorder. There's way more that goes on in the head then most people think. Just because it doesn't seem like someone is having trouble eating doesn't mean that they aren't having ED thoughts SCREAMING at them about every bite they take will just be another pound they'd have to loose, or another ounce of fat that they'd have to get rid of. And yes, I mean screaming. There are times where I'm eating and I've had thoughts screaming in my head saying "Don't eat that, don't take that bite. You'll just gain more weight and you'll get even fatter. Why would you do that to yourself? You've been doing so good skipping meals, don't mess up now. If you eat that, you're going to fail at what you've been trying to do. You won't be perfect." I can seriously go on and on and on with thoughts like that. That's just a small sample of what goes through my head when I try and take a bite of my meal. That usually fits into about 10 seconds lol. Stupid right? Its not to me though. Its real, and its terrifying. If someone offers me just ONE chip or bite of something, it takes everything in me to not breakdown. Anorexia is a very secretive disorder, it makes you hide everything from everyone. I'm ashamed of having it, but in reality I shouldn't be. I need to accept it, kick ED in the butt and then actually live a normal life. A real life. That's why I started writing this. To get ED out there and to let people know about him. If I don't, then its just keeping everything in the dark and that's how ED gets stronger. Secrets. I also wrote this, so if anyone happens to come across this to know that you aren't alone. I've read stories before and it's given me strength to get help. One of my goals in life is to eventually help at least one person with this terrible disease. I'm in no way in a place to do that right now, but eventually :) Everything happens for a reason, so maybe this is why I have struggled with this?


I am SO INCREDIBLY blessed to have married my husband. N has gone above and beyond helping me through this very difficult journey. He knew about it when we started dating because there were always certain foods I couldn't eat and I would never allow myself to weigh myself or eat so much...blah blah. Poor guy didn't know how bad it could get. I started relapsing bad again around when we were wedding planning. I noticed myself staring and feeling my legs, arms and stomach as well as different things I used to do in the past.


I was hospitalized for the first time since I was about 16 because of it. That was in December of last year before we came to Texas for Christmas, then once again in January and then I went back again on March 18th. That was the longest I had been there since the past couple. 13 days. It was terrible, I hate being watched 24/7. Turns out I'm going to be going to a longer treatment center in a couple of weeks. I'm on the waiting list, so we should find out soon when a bed will open. I'll be going to UNC which has a specialized eating disorder program for a couple of months. I am beyond scared, and it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I've heard great things about the program though, so keeping my fingers crossed. I would have never thought I would say okay to going somewhere like that even 3 weeks ago.


I am beyond blessed to have had so many people's support, prayers and well wishes the past couple of weeks. I would have never thought so many people would be there for me or N when we needed it the most. Thank you to every single one of you for everything! Especially those who wrote me letters while I was trapped with no phone :P


I would like to especially say thank you to my husband as well. He has been there with me and has supported me in every way during this difficult journey. I know its not easy for him either, and I am so lucky to have married such an amazing man to be standing next to me fighting. I love you so much!
Also, thank you to my parents for taking Barley for the time being. We miss him so much, but it means the world to us that y'all took him to take care of him while I get better.
I won't be posting all the time about this lol, but there might be a few here and there.


Thank you for reading!
Love,
M