Y'all, its been 9 months since I've been in the hospital last. Before that I was in 4 different times within a 5 month period. Not to say I've been threatened with it a few times within the past 9 months, but I feel so proud for fighting so much. Then there's this other side of me who feels guilty because I'm breaking my ED rules. Rules that I have yet to figure out how to change in my mind. I'm eating out, which is still very limited, but guys...I'm eating at restaurants. BIG no no in ED's book. I'm eating most of my meals and snacks. I'm getting out of the house by doing plays and I'm taking an acting class thanks to a great person who offered to help me get back into acting. Something I wouldn't have thought I could get myself to do even 6 months ago because my self confidence was shot. I've had lapses and relapses (which is normal on the road to recovery), but I have been able to get myself to eat again and gain weight (its been up and down a lot lol but thats ok).
Recently I had a pretty big relapse. I lost my aunt, 6 months after my grandfather past. I got under 100 lbs, which I haven't been since I went to the treatment center in April. I was so happy, but yet so mad at myself because I allowed ED to take over my life again. I lost all the focus I built up, I lost concentration, I felt like I was in a daze again, a fog. I forgot how stupid I was when I was way below my minimum healthy weight. And yes, I mean stupid. I couldn't think properly, I couldn't answer simple questions. I realized I'm not a member of society when I relapse. It scared me. Am I having trouble gaining weight still? Yes, but I finally realized what it actually does to me, which is a huge step in my book and helps give me a push in the right direction to keep fighting. ED is still in my thoughts every second of everyday and its one miserable fight, but I am moving forward to divorcing him. That scares the hell out of me too, but reading this book called "Goodbye ED, Hello Me" has helped me gain a new perspective on recovery. Its an amazing book, and is helping me realize that recovery might be better then keeping ED in my life. As scared as I am for losing ED, I'm starting to be excited about the possibility of a life without him. We could have a baby, and if anyone knows me at all, you know I want a family more than anything. I could get a job and actually be good at it. I can continue to volunteer to help out in plays which is something I've loved doing since high school. I can even volunteer with animals which I have a gift for. The biggest one of all, I can help support my husband while he takes command. There are things that set me back everyday, but I think I just need to keep reading and rereading the book by Jenni Schaefer to keep giving me strength to fight for the life I deserve. So thank you thank you thank you to Jenni Schaefer for helping me on this very long road to recovery. Thank you for showing me how life should actually be like. Thank you for being so strong and confident when I feel like I can't be. You've helped me so much, and I don't even know you. Maybe one day I will be lucky enough to.