I feel stuck. It's almost like no matter how much I try I just can't get better. Like I'm the only person who just can't recover from her eating disorder. Its so frustrating and depressing. It makes it hard to WANT to move forward. When I feel motivation to do something beyond my disorder, like becoming a speaker against eating disorder (which is something I REALLY want to do), I can't because I have to be fully recovered for a year....and I'm not even close to that. At least I feel that way, my doctor might say different haha. It just demotivates me and makes me feel like whats the point of even trying. Its just another way my disorder has ruined my life (drama queen right now) or has made it just that more difficult. I'm just re reading Goodbye Ed, Hello Me again and again to get that motivation from Jenni Schaefer and hopefully I will get to see her in October at the NEDA Conference! Pray I get a scholarship! Happy thoughts!

I've come so far, which I see. Especially from past journal entries, I've come so far. It just feels like I have so much farther to go and it doesn't seem to be in my grasp. I used to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but now its all dark again. Where is the light that I so desperately need to see? What is real recovery? I felt like I was on the road and now I'm in the murkiness of ED again and can't see anywhere. I really need to get out of my head, my thoughts are what are killing me. I need to go beyond them, but just can't. Its like ED is whispering in my ear that I need him, that I can't do this on my own. That if I leave him I'll be even more miserable. How can I believe the wise words of Jenni Schaefer that things do get better, how do I believe when my doctor says I will be happy once I let ED go? It terrifies me. How do I get passed this point? Its so frustrating guys, but I know I need to keep walking forward. I need to have faith. I need to trust my doctors and my support team. I CAN do this.

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I need to look on the plus side! Good things have been happening the past few months, which is really exciting. One thing is, my doctor asked me to tell my story in front of a class of medical students at a college here in Georgia. I was SO nervous, but I think it went well and I actually felt like I helped many to understand a little more about eating disorders. Its a step in the direction to become a real speaker against them as well. One day :)

Next good thing, I started my own business! WHAT?! Yeah totally crazy. I might just be a little excited. I started my own photography business. I thought it was a good idea at the time (still do) but there are so many people around here that it might have been a crazy idea, but I'm going for it! No paying clients yet, but I'm hoping to have a couple of ones soon since I just keep building my portfolio :)

Last, but not least! N is taking Company Command in 2 weeks! I am so incredibly proud of him and just wait for an overload of pictures. I can't wait for this exciting time for him, he's been waiting for it for so long and now its finally here! Then I'll get to say goodbye to my husband for 2 years ;) Jk, but really though, he said he'll be super busy and I'll barely see him. Time to pick up some more hobbies to keep my busy!


M