Wow, what a month. I keep trying to figure out how to write about the past month, but its so hard to put into words.


First off, I am beyond blessed to have met so many great people there along with (most of) the staff at UNC. All the patients became like a family because we all were going through pretty much the same thing. We had to make ourselves do exactly what we're afraid of, and it was the hardest thing I've had to put myself through yet. I had such high expectations of this place, and I can honestly say that I learned some things, especially relaxation therapy. I NEED to learn to relax and beat this anxiety lol. On the other hand I was hoping I could actually move past this. All I can think about right now is that I have gained weight and my clothes feel tighter and that stresses me out beyond all measure. I hate it. So it just makes me want to revert back to my old ways. All I can think about is that "I want to be skinny. I hate being this fat." Its so frustrating because I just put myself through therapy multiple times a day, everyday for a month. I guess I expected to be in a better place in my head when I got discharged, and it's discouraging to have these ED thoughts still so loud. Its just kind of like, now what? What else can I do to beat this? And right now it feels like nothing. My therapist keeps telling me I have to keep enduring it. Endure it? I have to hate my body and still force myself to eat as much as I'm being told? Can you even begin to imagine how hard that is to do? And here I was thinking it would be easier when I got out of the hospital lol NOT! I understand the fact that if you don't eat then you will die. Your body needs food, and I understand that with everyone else. To me, that doesn't apply to me though, because "I haven't eaten and I'm fine" I know y'all can argue that as well as I know I can, that's just what battle all the time. Discouraging. Frustrating and I hope those voices get quieter with each passing day. Good thing I have pretty good coping skills :)

I didn't mean for this to turn out all bummed lol so lets list the things that were the worst while I was there to make it even better
- Had to have someone watch us go to the bathroom, every...single...time
- Showers were on timers and were not that hot
- Only allowed to use electric razors which sucked, so basically didn't shave for a month
- Not being able to wear jackets in the freezing meal room
- Getting up at 6 every morning to get vitals, blood taken and weighed. We just wanted to sleep in!


There was more, but those were the worst lol. Its nice going to the bathroom alone again :P.


The good thing about going, is that I am even more sure that I want to get involved with the National Eating Disorder Foundation and finish my degree in Psychology and become a speaker and hopefully help at least one person with this terrible, life destroying disease. I definitely want to incorporate animals in there somewhere. Maybe speak and do pet therapy? Who knows. I just have a strong pull in both directions so pretty sure God is telling me something there.


Other good news is figuring out new hobbies I would love to try and that I have the confidence to go try them now! First thing, I miss acting so incredibly much. I'm so mad at myself for stopping because of one of my ex's.  Worst mistake ever. BUT I have an audition next week for a play here :) I haven't acted in so long, so we'll see how it goes! I would also love to get back into bowling leagues, as well as try something new that I'm not gonna put on here yet :)

I'm still on the line about whether or not to volunteer at an animal shelter....I would try to adopt every animal lol so N and I have to talk about that one...and see if I'm strong enough to say no to those sweet little faces.


I feel like there is so much more that happened over the month, but like I said I just can't put it into words. I missed my husband so much and once again he has gone above and beyond to support me through this. Easel hasn't been that mad at me which is wonderful and hopefully we can get Barley back :) I'm so happy to be home AND next month I get to see some really good friends in Kansas for such a beautiful person on her wonderful wedding that I'm lucky to be apart of ANNND my best friend is flying to GA to see me!! Cannot wait!


Until next time loves,
M