My anxiety has been through the roof, and because of that, every time I sat down to write the past couple of months I'd get anxious thinking whatever I was writing was stupid or not good enough. *Slaps self* "Wake up Megan!"
When I was younger I was on so much medication that I was a zombie, I couldn't feel anything or even stay awake. So when I started treatment again about 5 years ago I was adamant about not being so "drugged up." Well, I'm on a decent amount of medication right now, and you know what?? That's ok! It's what's getting me through my lapse, it's helping me think clearly and my psychiatrist is very good about talking with me to make sure everything is working as it should. I'm still embarrassed by it, but honestly I'm starting to not care. It's helping me and it's not like I'm going to be on all of it forever. This thought is because they just added another medication and I had a woe is me moment and told myself it's because I'll "never get better" lol.
Second, why would I even care what someone thought about my blog? Haters gonna hate and that's fine, (I say as I want to cry inside) I'm not a professional writer, and it's been awhile since I took an English class. Who cares? It doesn't have to be perfect. *cringing* I'm beginning to believe perfect doesn't exist even though my brain tells me to achieve it all the time. It's exhausting. Perfectionism is a dream that people make up and strive for, even sometimes kill themselves for. I have strived most of my life for perfection, and have I gotten even close? Nope. My old doctor back in Augusta made me write a letter to my eating disorder to thank it and to tell him that I don't need him or his ways anymore. I have that letter framed and in my bathroom, so every time I look in the mirror I have to see it. Since I've done that, I've read that letter countless times. Perfectionism is and almost has destroyed my life. I HAVE to let go. I HAVE to say goodbye to Miss Perfectionist and ED. It's been 5 years since I started therapy again and I hate that I can't just easily say "Bye! See you never." It seems to be that way right now though, and you know what? That's fine. I'm doing ok, I'm stable and I'm wanting to keep fighting (most days lol). Each step I make and choose everyday to say goodbye is another step closer. If I saw my house the way it is right now, I would have freaked out. It's not perfect, one being I have a two year old lol and two being, I need my sanity more than a perfectly cleaned house. I'll get to it eventually, it's not going to get up and move, and it's not like my house is disgusting. Would I have thought that even a year ago? NOPE. I'd be freaking out and stressing N out because I "needed everything clean." That's a huge step in my book.
Third, moving on to fun things! We moved into our new house on base. First base house and it's AMAZING! Only downside is there is no backyard and the water pressure for the kitchen sink SUCKS. I'm trying to make it as homey as possible, trying to up my decorating skills and I feel like I'm failing haha. It'll get there...and then we'll move 😂. #militarylife. People here are pretty amazing too.
Little E has been doing so well. It seems she's starting to progress and is actually standing up with the help of furniture and things and is walking along chairs and tables. It's amazing to see. She is deathly afraid to walk, but seeing her conquer little steps is the best thing in my life. I am undoubtedly proud of her and can't wait to see her keep growing up. Even though it can slow down a lot, minus the not walking and tantrums. Those can go, like right now 👋
If this is your first time reading my blog, this is pretty much like a thought explosion. Some could make sense, some could not. I also don't go back through and edit my stuff because I need to let that perfectionism thing go. I'm not writing this to please other people, I'm doing it to hopefully help at least one person and for myself 👍.
<3,
M
Monday, November 5, 2018
Friday, July 20, 2018
Struggle bus
Y'all, I'm on the struggle bus. Big time. It seems like I always am, #anxietyprobs, but I swear I have good days!
Lately, things have been so hard. Moving to Florida was exciting, but I moved from the best support system I've ever had and now I have to start all over with that. It's terrifying. Trusting new people is hard for me, and trusting therapists is even a bigger hurdle. I'm trying though. I keep telling myself I can handle everything, and that I don't have a lot going on. Then someone starts naming off everything that I need to do, deal with or come up with, I just want to crawl into bed and hide. I DO have a lot going on. A crap ton 💩.
Since I moved, a little before, I started struggling a lot with ED again. As ashamed I am to admit it, I've lapsed. I want "him" with me, I "need" him with me to handle everything. I have been given so many coping skills and ways to help myself, but my brain is like "Nope, too hard. Focus on not eating to handle your anxiety." That's great right?? It's not, and I know it's not and I KNOW that it just causes more anxiety, so why do I keep going back? Because I've had this crap since I was 9. It's so easy just to slip back into it, and then hard to climb back out. It's so much easier, to focus on my weight, what I'm putting in my mouth, focusing on how I look. It takes away from the anxiety that I'm in a new place with no one except my husband, daughter and animals. It takes away from hating this house that we're renting. It takes away from being so overwhelmed and stressed with Emma having therapy pretty much every day of the week. ST- 2X week PT- 2X Weekend OT - 1X week. That is a lot, not to mention my own doctor appointments. I'm juggling neurology appointments for Emma and now myself (headaches, I'm fine), I need to go back to PT for myself, but I can't. The cost of a sitter and even just the time right now is too much.
Everyone says I need to focus on myself to help others. How though? When I feel like there is not enough hours in the day, and when Emma goes to sleep I'm so dead exhausted with working with her, cleaning the house and playing with the animals that I just don't want to do anything? My new therapist wants me to just take moments to breathe. Easy right? Should be! I could have mastered that a few years ago. Now, that in itself gives me anxiety! I can't be the only one....right?! Please tell me I'm not! Thoughts include - "Am I doing this right? I need to be doing something else, I'm being lazy. I feel/look fat when I breathe in, it's making me look bigger. Ugh, I can just feel every part of fat on my body and how heavy I am by sitting on this chair." That last part is when I'm trying to ground myself. I used to do this and became pretty good at it, but for some reason it's all new to me again. It is so hard to MAKE myself sit down and calm when I have so much to do.
Do I put all these expectations on myself? Why yes I do lol. It's hard not to. I've heard a lot of moms say they feel like they're failing or being bad parents. That is so frustrating to hear and it's so easy to tell someone they're not, but when it comes to you, your brain just beats you up to the point of exhaustion. So I know I'm not the only one, and thats frustrating in itself. I hate seeing others struggle.
So moving forward, what do I need to do? I need to listen and start following my new doctor and take moments out of the day and just focus on breathing. I've done it before, so I can get back to it. I need to lower my expectations of myself, that's going to be really difficult and pretty sure it'll take awhile, but I can do that as well.
I'm not perfect, and I never will be. Even though I'm not in a good place right now, I've been worse, WAY worse. *flashback to UNC and our first year of marriage* I'm not there anymore, and I do have a lot going on, so I need to understand that it's okay to struggle and I'm not a failure. I just need to keep doing what I was doing, even though it's harder than not eating. I hate emotions, HATE THEM. HAAAAAAATTTEEEE THEM, but I know I need to start letting myself feel what I've been trying to hide and push back. I miss Georgia, I miss all of my friends back there. I miss being able to see people throughout the week and be an adult with others. I miss advocating and helping others through eating disorders, and you know what? That's ok to miss all of that. It sucks, but this is radical acceptance at it's finest. Did I just say that?? Yes...thanks DBT 😏. When I calm myself, like right now haha, I know I'm going to get back to where I was and even beyond that. My passion besides animals lol is speaking about my story and advocating for the understanding of EDs. I can't do that right now, but stepping (or falling lol) back can be good in a way. I'll just keep learning from it, and when I slip again, I won't fall as far back like the past. Neither will you. If you're reading this and struggling, even if it's not ED related, remember it's ok to mess up, but it's important to keep trying.
Thoughts of the day! I always just word vomit on this lol.
<3 M
P.S. If you're just starting to read, I don't go back to read through to fix my mistakes. I just let it go, even though it kills me inside 😂. No one is perfect!
Lately, things have been so hard. Moving to Florida was exciting, but I moved from the best support system I've ever had and now I have to start all over with that. It's terrifying. Trusting new people is hard for me, and trusting therapists is even a bigger hurdle. I'm trying though. I keep telling myself I can handle everything, and that I don't have a lot going on. Then someone starts naming off everything that I need to do, deal with or come up with, I just want to crawl into bed and hide. I DO have a lot going on. A crap ton 💩.
Since I moved, a little before, I started struggling a lot with ED again. As ashamed I am to admit it, I've lapsed. I want "him" with me, I "need" him with me to handle everything. I have been given so many coping skills and ways to help myself, but my brain is like "Nope, too hard. Focus on not eating to handle your anxiety." That's great right?? It's not, and I know it's not and I KNOW that it just causes more anxiety, so why do I keep going back? Because I've had this crap since I was 9. It's so easy just to slip back into it, and then hard to climb back out. It's so much easier, to focus on my weight, what I'm putting in my mouth, focusing on how I look. It takes away from the anxiety that I'm in a new place with no one except my husband, daughter and animals. It takes away from hating this house that we're renting. It takes away from being so overwhelmed and stressed with Emma having therapy pretty much every day of the week. ST- 2X week PT- 2X Weekend OT - 1X week. That is a lot, not to mention my own doctor appointments. I'm juggling neurology appointments for Emma and now myself (headaches, I'm fine), I need to go back to PT for myself, but I can't. The cost of a sitter and even just the time right now is too much.
Everyone says I need to focus on myself to help others. How though? When I feel like there is not enough hours in the day, and when Emma goes to sleep I'm so dead exhausted with working with her, cleaning the house and playing with the animals that I just don't want to do anything? My new therapist wants me to just take moments to breathe. Easy right? Should be! I could have mastered that a few years ago. Now, that in itself gives me anxiety! I can't be the only one....right?! Please tell me I'm not! Thoughts include - "Am I doing this right? I need to be doing something else, I'm being lazy. I feel/look fat when I breathe in, it's making me look bigger. Ugh, I can just feel every part of fat on my body and how heavy I am by sitting on this chair." That last part is when I'm trying to ground myself. I used to do this and became pretty good at it, but for some reason it's all new to me again. It is so hard to MAKE myself sit down and calm when I have so much to do.
Do I put all these expectations on myself? Why yes I do lol. It's hard not to. I've heard a lot of moms say they feel like they're failing or being bad parents. That is so frustrating to hear and it's so easy to tell someone they're not, but when it comes to you, your brain just beats you up to the point of exhaustion. So I know I'm not the only one, and thats frustrating in itself. I hate seeing others struggle.
So moving forward, what do I need to do? I need to listen and start following my new doctor and take moments out of the day and just focus on breathing. I've done it before, so I can get back to it. I need to lower my expectations of myself, that's going to be really difficult and pretty sure it'll take awhile, but I can do that as well.
I'm not perfect, and I never will be. Even though I'm not in a good place right now, I've been worse, WAY worse. *flashback to UNC and our first year of marriage* I'm not there anymore, and I do have a lot going on, so I need to understand that it's okay to struggle and I'm not a failure. I just need to keep doing what I was doing, even though it's harder than not eating. I hate emotions, HATE THEM. HAAAAAAATTTEEEE THEM, but I know I need to start letting myself feel what I've been trying to hide and push back. I miss Georgia, I miss all of my friends back there. I miss being able to see people throughout the week and be an adult with others. I miss advocating and helping others through eating disorders, and you know what? That's ok to miss all of that. It sucks, but this is radical acceptance at it's finest. Did I just say that?? Yes...thanks DBT 😏. When I calm myself, like right now haha, I know I'm going to get back to where I was and even beyond that. My passion besides animals lol is speaking about my story and advocating for the understanding of EDs. I can't do that right now, but stepping (or falling lol) back can be good in a way. I'll just keep learning from it, and when I slip again, I won't fall as far back like the past. Neither will you. If you're reading this and struggling, even if it's not ED related, remember it's ok to mess up, but it's important to keep trying.
Thoughts of the day! I always just word vomit on this lol.
<3 M
P.S. If you're just starting to read, I don't go back to read through to fix my mistakes. I just let it go, even though it kills me inside 😂. No one is perfect!
Friday, June 8, 2018
The Struggle of PCSing
So, we PCSed to Florida. PCS pretty much means change of duty station.
I loved Georgia. I mean, it was a HARD start, but I met the most amazing people. To be honest, I accomplished a lot there, way more than I ever did in Texas and I miss it so freaking much. Alas, moving is a part of military life that I need to radically accept. We were there for a while and were so rooted, so I feel like it made it harder. This move has made me really look back at how far I have grown as a person, especially in recovery.
The house we rented in FL is HUGE! It looked great on the pictures, we got here and the house was disgusting. They obviously didn't clean the tile floors after they changed the carpets and there were spotty "fixed up" jobs everywhere. That gave me a chance to stay busy at least, and us not having to clean the house when we leave. SCORE.
Since we've been here, N went back to Georgia for 2 weeks getting our house ready for our renters. That was a feat for him as well, the cleaning person and the power washer guy cancelled last minute. Then the second day the movers came, they only had 2 guys packing the truck. YAY FOR THEM. If any of you know N, he was not the happiest of people lol.
So I was a single parent again back in FL with barely anything in our house, then the day before N came back down I fell down the stairs with little E in my arms, breaking her leg and 3 of my own ribs. It broke my heart knowing it was my fault that little E was in so much pain, but accidents happen and I have to keep telling myself that. She was in the hospital for two days and got a pretty cool looking purple cast *that I bedazzled💁* that takes up like half of her little body haha. Poor child.
The day we brought her home, there happened to be a leak on the second floor ceiling that was dripping down to the first floor. Did they come out right away? Nope, they came out a few days later to check it out. That was a week ago now and no idea where the water is coming from, or was since it hasn't happened in a few days (good or bad? haha). Did they fix the hole? NOPE! We are now anxiously waiting for on base housing....which if you're in the military...you know that takes awhile haha.
When I first got here I was prepared to get all little E's doctors and my doctors set up. Even called tricare and got little E's and I's address moved down to the Tampa area so we were ready. I did the research and had written out a few options, thinking that since it's an Air Force base that we'd be able to get seen pretty soon because I'm naive and had hope. Oh honey, I was so wrong. We got here early May and when I called they couldn't get Emma in to see a doctor to get her referrals until June 6th. Which was 2 days ago. Y'all. I lost my mind. This wasn't even on post, it was an off post military place that catered to those who lived further out. If you don't know little E's history, here's a quick recap: Born 7 weeks early, has been seeing a physical and occupational therapist since she was about 4 months maybe, and then speech she started this year, has a neurosurgeon and a neurologist and had to see an orthopedic doctor. She has A LOT going on, and if anyone knows my daughter, she's pretty lazy and doesn't like to do things that are "too hard for her." I love her, but man. Anyways, she is now 22 months old and still isn't walking by herself. So, mom had to get her back on track with everything. I did some more researched and called Tricare about getting an off post doctor for her and me since they could only see me a few days before little E. At this time, I was not doing well eating, emotional or thought wise so I had to see someone pretty fast too, to get the referral I needed. It had been pointed out to me on numerous occasions that if I can't get myself taken care of, I can't take care of little E and she's my world so that is just not going to happen.
Luckily the Tricare thing went pretty easily after a few days. I may have written a long email and made them send that along too, but it worked! Here we are weeks later and still no therapy for little E. Though she did get her leg broken two weeks ago and that put a holt on things, the place I'm trying to get, along with my best friend Tricare and her new doctor we haven't had any luck. YAAAYY! Luckily the place received the paperwork they needed after forever and more, and now we get to have the therapists rule to see if her case is more important than others. There's a waiting list y'all. What in the ever loving *bleep* is happening. I am so mad, and sadly these people are the most recommended and it looks like a lot of other places have a waiting list too. So great. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here trying to get little E to say "la la" "ka ka" and whatever I can get her to say while she just stares at me blankly, to keep trying to get her to looseb up her right side, and to start using a fork and spoon, all while she shakes her head no at me. 😑 This is my child. Excuse me while I chug a glass or 5 of wine and cry. I swear to God I work with her people! Hey, she's saying mama like a champ now. I can die happy! 😂
Until next time, and may the odds be ever in your favor.
M
Did I mention I heard a roach scream a few weeks ago? I was trying to kill it with bug spray and it was so big I could hear it SCREAM. A part of me died that day, and I hate roaches. 💀
I loved Georgia. I mean, it was a HARD start, but I met the most amazing people. To be honest, I accomplished a lot there, way more than I ever did in Texas and I miss it so freaking much. Alas, moving is a part of military life that I need to radically accept. We were there for a while and were so rooted, so I feel like it made it harder. This move has made me really look back at how far I have grown as a person, especially in recovery.
The house we rented in FL is HUGE! It looked great on the pictures, we got here and the house was disgusting. They obviously didn't clean the tile floors after they changed the carpets and there were spotty "fixed up" jobs everywhere. That gave me a chance to stay busy at least, and us not having to clean the house when we leave. SCORE.
Since we've been here, N went back to Georgia for 2 weeks getting our house ready for our renters. That was a feat for him as well, the cleaning person and the power washer guy cancelled last minute. Then the second day the movers came, they only had 2 guys packing the truck. YAY FOR THEM. If any of you know N, he was not the happiest of people lol.
So I was a single parent again back in FL with barely anything in our house, then the day before N came back down I fell down the stairs with little E in my arms, breaking her leg and 3 of my own ribs. It broke my heart knowing it was my fault that little E was in so much pain, but accidents happen and I have to keep telling myself that. She was in the hospital for two days and got a pretty cool looking purple cast *that I bedazzled💁* that takes up like half of her little body haha. Poor child.
The day we brought her home, there happened to be a leak on the second floor ceiling that was dripping down to the first floor. Did they come out right away? Nope, they came out a few days later to check it out. That was a week ago now and no idea where the water is coming from, or was since it hasn't happened in a few days (good or bad? haha). Did they fix the hole? NOPE! We are now anxiously waiting for on base housing....which if you're in the military...you know that takes awhile haha.
When I first got here I was prepared to get all little E's doctors and my doctors set up. Even called tricare and got little E's and I's address moved down to the Tampa area so we were ready. I did the research and had written out a few options, thinking that since it's an Air Force base that we'd be able to get seen pretty soon because I'm naive and had hope. Oh honey, I was so wrong. We got here early May and when I called they couldn't get Emma in to see a doctor to get her referrals until June 6th. Which was 2 days ago. Y'all. I lost my mind. This wasn't even on post, it was an off post military place that catered to those who lived further out. If you don't know little E's history, here's a quick recap: Born 7 weeks early, has been seeing a physical and occupational therapist since she was about 4 months maybe, and then speech she started this year, has a neurosurgeon and a neurologist and had to see an orthopedic doctor. She has A LOT going on, and if anyone knows my daughter, she's pretty lazy and doesn't like to do things that are "too hard for her." I love her, but man. Anyways, she is now 22 months old and still isn't walking by herself. So, mom had to get her back on track with everything. I did some more researched and called Tricare about getting an off post doctor for her and me since they could only see me a few days before little E. At this time, I was not doing well eating, emotional or thought wise so I had to see someone pretty fast too, to get the referral I needed. It had been pointed out to me on numerous occasions that if I can't get myself taken care of, I can't take care of little E and she's my world so that is just not going to happen.
Luckily the Tricare thing went pretty easily after a few days. I may have written a long email and made them send that along too, but it worked! Here we are weeks later and still no therapy for little E. Though she did get her leg broken two weeks ago and that put a holt on things, the place I'm trying to get, along with my best friend Tricare and her new doctor we haven't had any luck. YAAAYY! Luckily the place received the paperwork they needed after forever and more, and now we get to have the therapists rule to see if her case is more important than others. There's a waiting list y'all. What in the ever loving *bleep* is happening. I am so mad, and sadly these people are the most recommended and it looks like a lot of other places have a waiting list too. So great. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here trying to get little E to say "la la" "ka ka" and whatever I can get her to say while she just stares at me blankly, to keep trying to get her to looseb up her right side, and to start using a fork and spoon, all while she shakes her head no at me. 😑 This is my child. Excuse me while I chug a glass or 5 of wine and cry. I swear to God I work with her people! Hey, she's saying mama like a champ now. I can die happy! 😂
Until next time, and may the odds be ever in your favor.
M
Did I mention I heard a roach scream a few weeks ago? I was trying to kill it with bug spray and it was so big I could hear it SCREAM. A part of me died that day, and I hate roaches. 💀
Friday, February 23, 2018
#momlife
Have you ever just wanted to give up being a mom? How about a military spouse? Because I'm right about there you guys. Things have been CRAZY! Of course my anxiety and stress don't help at all, but for real. I just want to check out in life. Head to the beach, sit in the sand and sun with a yummy drink in my hand and not have a care in the world. Or a cruise, I'd love that too! I'm gonna do it!
I'm so funny right?? I'm sure a LOT of people feel this way. Life is hard and sucks at points, but what can we do other than try and cope the best way we can?
I've been stuck for awhile about what to write about. I think part of it is my depression and self confidence, not thinking anyone will care or they will just make fun of me on whatever I write about. Other part is I am so freaking busy being a mom to a little girl and to 4 animals! Cleaning the house rarely gets done now, especially to my specifications, which I've been told are too high 😂👌. I rarely fix my hair, but sometimes I have makeup on! I've put my recovery on a back burner because I'm usually too tired to try and work through my thoughts and everything. Making meals is harder because I am so occupied that I forget to start dinner early enough so we can eat together as a family. Little E goes to bed around when we usually would eat dinner, but I'm trying to have to change things up! It makes me feel like a bad mom just letting her eat her dinner while I sit there and have a snack or just talk to her. I need to change this because I am just so tired and can't do it all anymore! I love little E. She is a little developmentally behind, which was to be expected being 7 weeks early, but there are times I just don't know what to do with her. She is a lot of work, like a lot. I'm always trying to work with her on therapy things and I feel like it just doesn't work. She is SO stubborn and wants to do things her way, which I definitely want her to be her own self and figure out her own things BUT some of her muscles are weak because she won't do it how she "should." She is doing really well at sign language and she "talks" all the time, but just won't say words! Especially "momma"😂😑 . I'm trying to relax because she is doing really well, but there are times I feel like I've failed and not just in motherhood. I feel like I've lost who I am. I've always wanted to be a mother and a stay at home mom, but sometimes this sucks. I've never really known who I was (even though I felt like I did) and I've been working so hard the past few years to find myself and now I feel like I lost it. We're always at appointments or running errands. Ive realized that I need to add more fun to our lives that doesn't involve physical or occupational therapy. It's just hard trying to do everything at once.
So, with all this....who else feels like this?! I can't be the only one....please say it ain't so!!
Keep up the fight ladies and gentlemen!
-M
I'm so funny right?? I'm sure a LOT of people feel this way. Life is hard and sucks at points, but what can we do other than try and cope the best way we can?
I've been stuck for awhile about what to write about. I think part of it is my depression and self confidence, not thinking anyone will care or they will just make fun of me on whatever I write about. Other part is I am so freaking busy being a mom to a little girl and to 4 animals! Cleaning the house rarely gets done now, especially to my specifications, which I've been told are too high 😂👌. I rarely fix my hair, but sometimes I have makeup on! I've put my recovery on a back burner because I'm usually too tired to try and work through my thoughts and everything. Making meals is harder because I am so occupied that I forget to start dinner early enough so we can eat together as a family. Little E goes to bed around when we usually would eat dinner, but I'm trying to have to change things up! It makes me feel like a bad mom just letting her eat her dinner while I sit there and have a snack or just talk to her. I need to change this because I am just so tired and can't do it all anymore! I love little E. She is a little developmentally behind, which was to be expected being 7 weeks early, but there are times I just don't know what to do with her. She is a lot of work, like a lot. I'm always trying to work with her on therapy things and I feel like it just doesn't work. She is SO stubborn and wants to do things her way, which I definitely want her to be her own self and figure out her own things BUT some of her muscles are weak because she won't do it how she "should." She is doing really well at sign language and she "talks" all the time, but just won't say words! Especially "momma"😂😑 . I'm trying to relax because she is doing really well, but there are times I feel like I've failed and not just in motherhood. I feel like I've lost who I am. I've always wanted to be a mother and a stay at home mom, but sometimes this sucks. I've never really known who I was (even though I felt like I did) and I've been working so hard the past few years to find myself and now I feel like I lost it. We're always at appointments or running errands. Ive realized that I need to add more fun to our lives that doesn't involve physical or occupational therapy. It's just hard trying to do everything at once.
So, with all this....who else feels like this?! I can't be the only one....please say it ain't so!!
Keep up the fight ladies and gentlemen!
-M
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
It's been awhile...
Well y’all, it’s been awhile! Our computer broke while N was deployed and we finally fixed it! I’m usually really bad about updating anyways haha!
A LOT has happened! N came home from deployment! Yay! And little E has her daddy back, and more importantly I’m not a single parent anymore, whhaaatt?!? Haha, just kidding. He still works crazy hours. She’s usually asleep by the time he gets home, which I know must be hard. The readjustment phase is no joke, but having him home is so amazing. Also, my awesome friend and neighbor took pictures of our homecoming!
Not so patiently waiting for N!
Back together as a family! <3 We’re cheesin’ hardcore
NEXT, little E had her 1st birthday! Technically before N got home, but we had a big party for her and N after he got home. Pictures below, including her on her real birthday <3 Also, she’s scooting everywhere now! Yay and boo haha
Tasting the cake
We got a little overwhelmed and tired haha
Can she get any cuter!?
Well, after that, I ran and coordinated my and Augusta’s FIRST NEDA Walk! Oh em gee! Y’all, it was hard. I still haven’t touched the stuff we unloaded in the garage the day of the walk haha. I should probably do that so my husband doesn’t loose his mind because his garage is dirty -_- I’ve pretty much given myself a hard time over this walk, I picked out all the things that went wrong and what I could have done better and what more could have been done. In all honesty though, it was a great event and I did what I could! We raised $4,480 total!
My sexy husband spoke too 😉
Friends are what made this possible!
After all of this, we are now in the holiday season. My shopping is pretty much complete and little E is very interested in what’s under the tree. Which is good and bad because I have to keep telling her not yet haha. Besides that, recovery is hard. Very hard. I can feel that I am so close to giving up ED, but I’m still holding on to him for dear life. I know logically that he isn’t good for me, but I just can’t seem to let him go. I want him here to comfort me, he’s my safety blanket. Even though he’s not safe, he tries to keep telling me he is. I have been overboard anxious, with obviously what went on the past few months, but now because I’m so close to saying I’m “Recovered.” (As the amazing Jenni Schaefer states) It’s exciting and extremely scary at the same time. The knowing I’m close, but being scared is constantly on my mind since I keep arguing with myself. It’s tiring and include having a toddler, 4 animals and a house to take care of. Taking care of myself has been pushed to the back burner, but I really need to sit down everyday and process and write out everything like I used to. I need to practice self care and relaxation. Where’s my coloring book?? Can I have more Gabapentin (Sp?) please?? Haha just kidding. For real though, I’m trying hard not to rely on my medication at least for anxiety, but I’m realizing I can’t be hard on myself for taking medication either. I need it, my brain needs it and that’s okay.
Army life is still crazy, not knowing where we’re going or doing next is pretty difficult. Should I keep decorating the house or wait until the next house? What is the new house going to look like? I need to plan to make it a home! I feel like this is another blog, so I’m keeping this short 😉
That’s all I got for right now. I’m starting to overanalyze everything, so I’m stopping haha!
I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and Happy New year if I don’t post again before then!
<3 M
Thought and Word Explosion
Last month was PTSD awareness month. With all the craziness of single parenthood including the fur babies, I hadn’t had time to really post about this. PTSD awareness is very near and dear to my heart. One being because my husband is in the military and it breaks my heart that so many service members do struggle with this and try and keep it a secret. The next being, I myself have experienced it and was diagnosed with it. When I was first told I had PTSD, I laughed and said I was never in combat. I was never in a war, I never experienced anything that would cause me to have it. I was wrong because the only thing I ever learned growing up about PTSD was that it was from veterans. Which it is and definitely needs to be talked about!
My PTSD was from a continuous rape. I had no idea I was because the person always said I asked for it or some how blamed it on me and I, of course believed him. Everything is always my fault, right?? 😉 (Not the case though! I’m learning at least.) Then because of what happened, I thought I had to be with that person forever. I had no idea you could get PTSD from something like that, but it does make sense. It took me awhile to believe my treatment team, since I blamed myself for nearly 10 years. It wasn’t my fault though, and I learned that. There are times I still question when things get overwhelming, but when I calm my anxiety and take a step back, it was never my fault. Someone who was sick made me believe it was, and I can’t let them do that to me any more.
PTSD can come from anything traumatic, which is what I learned. Your brain does amazing things to protect itself. Not always the best, but it does what it knows to keep you safe. There’s a lot I want to type about what I went through, but I’m not quite ready to share it. I’ve been thinking of a book, maybe?! Who knows! Just know that doing trauma work in therapy is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I had to relive some of the worst times of my life over and over again. I had to remember things I buried so deep down that I blocked them until we started talking and working through things. Having that memory, and feelings, including physical, being relived is a nightmare. I can’t even imagine others who have gone through something worse than me and having to do the same thing. It breaks my heart, but I can also tell them that it really does work. You just have to be patient. You’ll stop having the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the anxiety around things that may trigger you.
I can still feel him touching me, I can feel myself getting physically sick because I have no idea what to do and I’m just so scared that I can’t move. My brain goes dead, is what it feels like. It really messed me up, and sadly still affects me to some extent today, but I know that one day I will look back and know that I have overcome this obsticle. I am very lucky to have married the man that I did, and to have met the treatment team that I have now. I would not be able to say I worked through it without them. They’ve helped me uncover so many things about myself that I never would have if I didn’t meet them. God placed every single one who has helped me along this rough path of finding myself, and I couldn’t be happier.
I’ve been in a weird mood recently. I was going to type this in a later blog, but who knows when that will be…(thanks Emma haha). I’ve realized that I’m at a point in recovery and just life in general where I’m really starting to figure out who I am. It’s freaking me out. What if no one likes who I really am/who I want to be. I’ve always been the dork, loser or weird girl growing up. I still remember being made fun of in middle school and high school. I was weird, I get it, and I’m okay with that now! I still am weird, I love Harry Potter. I love animals a little too much, I love storms, I love things people don’t usually like. I AM okay with that though! It’s a weird concept for me to grasp. I have never been as confident or “self loving” as I am today. Though, I still have a LONG way to go, I am realizing that I need to be okay with who I am. I need to take care of myself, I need to do the things I love to make myself happy. I was always told that you need to take care of yourself before you take care of others, I always thought that would be selfish on my part. I helped take care of people all the time, but honestly I’m starting to understand and believe that saying. I vowed to myself when N deployed that I would really focus and work on myself. I would really work hard on fixing myself so that nothing gets transferred to our daughter. I wanted to be a better wife when he got home, I wanted to be a better mother, and I wanted to be a better person in general. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs, mainly downs ;), and I feel like I’ve been selfish because I’ve been isolating a lot. Though that’s not always good, I think it’s helped me. I’m an introvert, like woah. I’m also learning I’m an introvert because I’m scared of what people think of me. I’m pushing myself to do things that are uncomfortable for me and it’s extremely hard and has been causing me to have panic attacks, but I’ve never learned more about myself. DANG, my doctor was right haha. I still fight him, and myself on things I do NEED to do, but every step is getting me to where I want to be. I’ve never felt like this before, and it honestly is freaking me out. I go back and forth a lot, it’s a constant and tiring roller coaster, but I learned this week that it’s only because I have thought one way for so long. Starting something new after doing it one way your whole life is going to take awhile. I need to be patient with myself, just like everyone needs to be patient with themselves. Famous words from my doctor that I will always remember, “You need to be uncomfortable to BE comfortable.” I never really truly understood that phrase until recently. Thank you again for helping me.
I’ve always said this to myself, but believing it is completely different. Do what you love, do what makes you happy. Take care of yourself, push yourself to be better and absolutely always believe in yourself. I feel like things are changing for me, and though its scary, it’s making me excited to see where I’m headed and who I will actually become. Like me or not? I don’t care 🙂
<3
M
Again, for those who just started reading. I don’t go back and reread what I typed. I just let it flow and post it. If it doesn’t make sense, so be it 😀
Mom Guilt
We all have it…moms that is. Why should we though? I struggle every week in therapy with a ton of things, but one that keeps showing up is mom guilt. Dun dun duuunnnn.
Perfect example was this past Wednesday. I got my third….yes THIRD…stomach bug of the year. Had to be when N was gone, am I right? -_- Luckily I was physically able to still semi take care of little E, but I had to make a nest on the couch for myself and I propped her in her little seat I got at Walmart and let her watch TV all day while I laid on the couch dying and trying not to throw up everywhere. Thursday was very close to the same thing, but I did have some energy to sit up with her while she played. I felt like SUCH a bad mom! I’ve already been struggling letting her watch cartoons in the morning for 5-10 minutes while I eat my breakfast. People tell me its okay, N is gone and I need to do things so you can eat. I mean I do let her play on her mat first, but she’s been getting super tired of that quickly so I switch at the end to the amazing show E loves called “Super Why”. It gives me a little bit to actually finish what I made to eat, but that still doesn’t help me not feel so guilty. For real though, why should I feel guilty over something that I couldn’t control? I would have gotten sick all over her if I sat up. I tried getting a sitter, but that didn’t work. I also didn’t want to ask for help because I knew this thing was so contagious and the people I knew who would help had little ones just like me. I’m not getting their children sick.
Do you know how many articles and Facebook posts and comments I have read that “mom shame”?? It’s insane and I always told myself I’m going to do what’s best for our family and that I wouldn’t take anyone so seriously, sadly that doesn’t make the comments that I had already read — or told– leave my mind. The worst was breastfeeding. There are still times I blame myself for little E’s development because I couldn’t give her enough breastmilk. I tried it, was able to give her some the first few weeks of life, but my body just hit a point and then regressed. I fed her and pumped. I tried teas and cookies, medicines and herbs and everything you can think of and nothing. I finally was so tired of only pumping an ounce at a time (which took me 45 minutes to get) after the 45 minutes I fed little E. Then I got to do it again 30-45 minutes later! I blamed myself so much. I had a very great doctor, who N and I admire and is dear to our family so much, tell me that if I couldn’t breastfeed to not blame myself. That E will be okay on formula and do just as well. I keep telling myself what he said to me, but there’s always that doubt in my mind that I get when she isn’t progressing like she should. Is it my fault she’s no where near crawling? Is it my fault she just started being able to sit up by herself? I mean, I did try and eat the same amount as my nutritionist told me after I had her, but I struggled. Just as I struggled in pregnancy. I ate the right foods, I even ate foods I told myself I’d never eat again and it did nothing. I couldn’t provide for my daughter the way I “should” have been able to and it killed me inside. Hell, it still kills me. **Not gonna lie, with N being gone I probably wouldn’t have survived breastfeeding too haha!** I know though, that I did try. I did everything I could in my power and it just didn’t happen. AND THAT’S OKAY! Did I just say (type) that out loud? You bet I did. Do I believe it? Not all the time, but sometimes and that’s better then where I was at a few months ago.
The stares and ugly faces I get when I pull out E’s bottle of formula when we’re out still get to me, and I feel like I have to justify myself and explain everything. I don’t though, NO ONE DOES. It’s not hurting E and I’m giving her the food she needs that my body, for whatever reason couldn’t provide. She’s had formula since day 3 of her birth, She didn’t want to eat the first few days haha, to supplement and she’s been doing so well since.
The stares and ugly faces I get when I pull out pre made baby food, because I literally don’t have time to cook and make food for E since I’m taking care of a household that include 4 pets that need one on one attention right now. I don’t even have time to cook myself a real meal. The most I get at night is left overs I had from going out at lunch or a bagel or I just heated up some pasta. I always plan to make crock pot stuff, but I get so busy that I forget to start it until about 3 whenever E is asleep for her nap haha #momlife, Yes, I plan on making E’s food when N gets home when I have the time and energy to. Right now this is the best I can do and if you’re not okay with that, then go away. No one wants a hater. Even if I didn’t plan to, still…go away.
The stares and ugly faces I get when I give E a pacifier. Girl look, she honestly never asks for a paci. We use it when she goes to sleep and when we go out because she has some lungs on her. Even if she did ask, I would give it to her. She’s not obsessed or attached. Its not hurting her right now, and it helps keep me sane when we’re out doing errands and I’m trying to focus on checking out or at a doctors appointment.
The stares and ugly faces I get when I tell people we didn’t co sleep. No I did not want my daughter in the same bed as my husband and me. Mainly because he was leaving and we needed that time for just the two of us. Second, even if he wasn’t leaving I felt it necessary to keep the bed to just us two and I wouldn’t have been able to sleep if she was in bed with fear of killing her. We did have her in a bassinet right next to our bed which was wonderful. There are times I do want her in bed with me right now, because I want to snuggle or I’m really missing N, but I know that isn’t something I want her getting used to. It’s my personal choice and I’m okay with that.
The stares and ugly faces I get when I say my daughter is at Mother’s Day Out. Yes, I take my daughter twice a week for 4 hours each time for someone to watch her. I have doctor appointments that makes it very difficult to have her at. Even if I didn’t have appointments AND if my husband wasn’t away for so long, it’s okay for me to do that. She needs the development skills it comes with and she needs to learn she’ll be okay without me for a bit. It breaks my heart every time I drop her off, but ever since she’s started, she’s progressed even more in therapy. That’s a plus in my book, that and I get a few hours to myself kinda haha.
The stares and ugly faces I get when I tell people that I let my dogs and cats around E. That I actually let the dogs lick her *gasp!* They’re part of our family and always will be. E loves with the dogs kiss her. Don’t like it, don’t care. Have a good day.
I could go on and on, but it’s close to my bedtime. This momma needs sleep.
The point of this post was to vent of course, but also to know that if you’re struggling with mom guilt, that you aren’t the only one. I promise you! What you do with your child is your business. Unless it’s hurting them mentally or physically then you need to do what’s best for you and your family. Might that be a few minutes of tv a day to having the cursed thing called formula. We’re all trying to learn to be the best parents for our children. Pray and take it one day at a time. I’m here for you if you need to talk! I’ll just stare and make ugly faces though haha just kidding.
<3 M
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