Everyone has told me to jump since before last year. "Take the jump and trust your doctors, things will get better. We'll be your safety net." Well, I've jumped....and I feel like I'm just falling and its a terrifying feeling. I've been eating pretty well for the most part (hence the jump part). I've been trusting my doctors consistently but I feel like I'm still lost in the murkiness of my eating disorder. All I want to do my usual ED habits but I know I can't and I'm starting to learn that I shouldn't for my sake, that it isn't healthy. "Its a step in the right direction," they say. Sometimes I just want to scream at them to tell me when this is over. When is my body going to get back to normal and stop having things wrong with it? When am I going to wake up and not hate myself or care what my body looks like, or worry how much I have to eat that day? When am I going to stop counting the calories and marking how many starches, fats, proteins or whatever else I need that day, or even just to see my body the way they see it. I just see fat still, which is frustrating because they keep telling me different. I've been told that its the last to go, but I have to keep eating to nourish my brain so that it can eventually get there. They said it takes awhile, I just wish I knew how long. I want to see the end so I know that it's possible to get there, because right now I don't think I can. I feel like its just a huge circle and that I keep going round and round it. I'm struggling emotionally and mentally, but this time I don't have my ED behaviors to help me cope like usual (which is good!). So its been taking a lot of work and energy to remember my other coping skills that I've learned. Sometimes they don't even work so I have to keep coming up with different ones to see which one does. Its tiring and its SO much easier to slip into the ED habits. Is that right for my body though? No its not. Will it get me to be where I want to be? No. Will it help me to be able to start a family? Not at all. I know these things when I say them out loud or write them down and it seems logical, but its a completely different story when it comes to actually doing it and believing it or even thinking it inside my head. I can come up with every reason why I could say yes to those questions and I usually do answer yes, but now I'm answering "no" out loud. So I know I'm fighting back against ED, but the murkiness is clouding how much progress I've made so I just want to give up because I feel like I haven't made any. I know logically I've made progress though, even though I don't see or feel it at times. I guess I need to keep my mind on that and as I'm falling, I need to trust I'll catch that safety net.

I also can't thank my treatment team and husband enough for having patience with me and helping figure all this out. I'm a hot mess lol.

<3 M

If any of you needs a pick me up, I heard this song not too long ago and I fell in love. It helps on my tough days. Its called Fight Song by Rachel Platten and I listen to it on repeat constantly!