It is now July. Happy almost Independence Day!

What have I been up to you may ask? I've been consistently busy! Doctor appointments, baby stuff, keeping up with the house, keeping up with the animals and FRG stuff are all just part of what I do on a daily basis. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrible at keeping up with the house lately. Sometimes days go by with clean laundry on the couch that I need to put up, or I go 3-4 days without sweeping our brand new hard floors. "But you have 4 animals!" Trust me, I know its gross. Honestly, I'm trying to enjoy my time alone while I have it and give myself rest that I desperately need.

Being pregnant is hard, y'all. I'm always so so tired and I'm starting to get pretty uncomfortable. Yay right? Top it off with constantly crying on a daily basis when you look in the mirror when you're alone and hating yourself everyday because you're getting fatter (that was ED, lets go with bigger). Its taken such an emotional toll on me because it's literally my worst nightmare and fear coming true. Now, before y'all say...."but you're pregnant" or "All you're doing is feeding baby" or "You should be happy you got pregnant," I know all of this. I KNOW I'm pregnant because I can feel our little lady kicking inside me everyday. You think that it would make it easier, but it doesn't. I love and am absolutely blessed and happy that I'm pregnant. N and I are having a sweet baby girl. I couldn't be more proud than to be a wife AND mother. Then why do I still get upset? It's because for some reason, when I look at or feel myself I just see fat and the reality of my stomach getting bigger when for YEARS I have done everything to keep myself as skinny as possible. It just doesn't connect that it's baby. Logically I know it is our sweet little girl, but then ED pretty much blurs the rest and makes me so anxious that I can't connect the two. I can in a way, but its very difficult to get there and usually doesn't last long. I haven't given up trying though, which is probably why I'm so tired. I feel like I'm back at square one with my mental state/recovery, so I'm constantly fighting every minute of everyday. I have stopped allowing myself to eat my "bad" foods, but will try some every once in awhile. Which is huge! Just not where I was earlier in pregnancy. I'm keeping up with my food intake though, and our little is doing well, which helps momma through all this mess and confusion.

Vent time:
Y'all, I've have such a great experience...for the most part...with Army doctors. I have a wonderful physician who's helped me more than I could have ever hoped. I've met an army psychiatrist who got me in touch with the best team of doctors I could have ever hoped for in this long difficult journey of recovery. But seriously, what in the world is wrong with the OBs?! I'm considered high risk for obvious reasons, so I am seen on the "10th floor" instead of Family Medicine. Why don't they all go see actual OBs you ask? I have no freaking clue. Anyways, every experience I've had with an OB except ONE appointment has been terrible and I've left in tears. Now I completely understand that they don't have any/much knowledge on eating disorders or how they work and what not to say. Come on though, telling me "You don't look pregnant, just a little fat" is ridiculous and should never be told to ANYONE no matter the mental state. They have clearly told me (okay, one nurse has) that they have no idea how to handle my case. After that, you would think one would be referred off post to someone who is better applicable, but no. They don't. To top it off, I have no idea who will be delivering our baby. And if its one particular doctor that I will not name, I will go insane. I will do everything I can to kick him out of my room. That is how terrible this doctor is. I could go on and on, but I'll just leave it at this before certain words come out of my mouth haha.

Near death experience:
As I was driving to Mass in Aiken for their first Friday Latin Mass, I stopped somewhere in SC to get something to eat because I wasn't able to eat lunch before I had to leave. After I got some food, I proceeded to merge on the highway...or tried to. There was a space between a car and an 18-wheeler, so I put on my turn signal to get over because the road was starting to run out. Turns out the semi truck didn't want me to go in front of him....even though there was no other option than to completely stop on the merge lane to let him pass and have a car hit me from behind and possibly cause multiple accidents. He started to speed up, but I had no more road so I had to get over. I then got in his lane, he decided to blow his horn non stop and tail the crap out of me, then proceeded to get into the next lane and try and push me off the road. Now, I don't know if he was trying to push me off or just scare the crap out of me...but he was halfway in my lane multiple times blowing his horn. I was forced out of the road to the point where just my left front and rear tire were in the actual lane. I tried to slow down so he could pass, and to get his license plate number (muhahaha) but he kept matching my speed to keep me next to him. I was luckily able to speed up and get out of there though. All while he was blowing his horn. Good day to you Mr truck driver. Hope to never have to go through that again.

Besides all this, we are slowly getting baby's room together which is making things feel so real! I'm so blessed to have so many people already hand make gifts for her. She is going to be so spoiled.

Our next adventure is Oregon. N is leaving this week and I will be following a week after. I couldn't leave my fur babies for 2 whole weeks. Also no doctor appointments in 3 weeks would be rough haha. This is N's longest leave he's taken since before we moved here. He's pretty happy and I'm excited to spend some quality time with him and his family :)


-M

Well y'all. N and I are expecting a baby in October! I truly never thought I'd say I'd be pregnant after everything I've done to my body over the years with my eating disorder, but we were blessed with the news of a little one in February.

On February 9, right after my weekly therapy appointment I was driving home and had the sudden urge to take a pregnancy test. No idea why, it just came in my head. I had one at home so I did it for giggles. Well, turned out to be positive. I was shocked but my heart was SO overjoyed! I didn't believe it at first so I texted a couple of friends and asked them if what I was seeing was real and I was told to go out to get a digital test. So I did, turned out to be positive too! Then I took another one the next morning to be sure and it said I was pregnant! I called my doctor on Wednesday after the 3rd test and got an appointment for later that day for a test at the hospital. The urine test they did came back negative. I almost broke down, but my doctor came in and said he was doing a blood test as well so to just go home and relax until I heard from him. About an hour after I left the hospital he called and sounded so sad and my heart started to break again, and then said "Well, I don't know why the urine test came back negative, because you're definitely pregnant!" I literally screamed "WHAT?!" into the phone in his ear. It was great haha he laughed. I was so overjoyed and was so excited to tell N that we were for sure pregnant!

Then things changed, we had talked for a minute after he gave me the news, and I guess he could hear the strain in my voice when it finally hit me that I had to do what has terrified me since I was 9. Gain a significant amount of weight after my "healthy weight." He calmed me down some, and really said some thoughtful and very meaningful words. One being, "I know you're going to be such a great mom even though you might not see it right now." Its a fear, that I have only told N, a select few friends and my doctors about. I am so scared I'll screw up my child. I'm so scared he/she will inherit my eating disorder, my insecurities, my anxiety and depression. I know for a fact though that I will do everything in my power to not let that happen, and that I've learned so much to know how to help if something does happen, but it still scares me. Because you know, anxiety :P.

It also hit me that I'll be a single parent for 9 months soon after our little joy is here. I have absolutely no idea how to be a mom. Let alone, how to be a supportive wife during deployment, dealing with my fears and anxieties while staying healthy and keeping a brave face for everyone, being an FRG leader and knowing NOTHING how to do it during a deployment and being strong for those spouses when in fact I'm terrified as well. This will be our first deployment since we've been married. I've been through a couple, one with an ex and one with N when we were just dating. Both were extremely difficult, but I didn't have to live with them when they got back. I was able to get back in the flow of things whenever they were home slowly, but now I'm married and this time it won't happen slowly haha. I have to learn to live by myself, learn to raise a child by myself, learn to teach our little one about how brave and wonderful their daddy is, learn to deal with the house by myself, and learn how to deal with my continuing nightmares without N waking me up in the middle of the night to stop them. I'm sure I will get everything down, but then N will be home and then things will change again and then I'll have to relearn everything! Have I ever mentioned I hate change?? Cause I do! Change is good though, especially the coming home part :). I'm just overwhelmed by becoming a mother, seeing and feeling my body change drastically, and then having to say goodbye or "see you later" to my best friend.

I know its selfish not wanting to gain the weight that I have to, but I also know its my ED thoughts. My healthy thoughts are the one that wants to start a family, that wants our little one to grow big and strong. Its my healthy thoughts that will do everything to keep our child happy, healthy and safe AND to keep ME happy, healthy and safe. Its just amazing on how well I was doing, and now I feel like I'm starting over. Okay, not REALLY starting over, because I haven't done any behaviors, but ED is for sure back to yelling at me all day everyday. I didn't realize until the past few weeks but he was quieter for a bit. That or I was just learning to tune him out. Well, its a lot harder now. Especially when your OBs make comments about your weight that is neither right or appropriate. I have an amazing team of doctors though (minus the OBs :P), great friends AND great coping skills to get me through this AND I'll have my Jenni Schaefer books to help keep me company while I keep pushing myself :). Will it be a hard pregnancy? Probably, and here I am thinking I was ready for this :P. I am though, and I know I am, but my fears tend to get stuck in my head and don't go anywhere! Can you say annoying!? I have to keep doing what I've been doing, and enjoy (no matter how hard it is) everyday of this pregnancy, because who knows if this is the only time I'll carry a blessing? I hope not, but you never know. We are very lucky for this one, that's for sure. And its not like my doctors tell me this every time I see them haha. Thanks guys.

I have come so far since even 3 years ago. 3 years ago, only a couple of days off, is when I weighed myself for the first time in years at NASA and completely changed and relapsed. Who would have thought I would be pregnant by now? Who would of thought I'd be eating "bad" foods because I WANT them. NOT ME Y'ALL! And to be clear, there is no such thing as "bad" or "good" food. I read recently about "always" and "sometimes" food. I like that a lot better, and will teach my child just that. Its amazing how things change, when you feel like they never would. I have to admit there are times I still feel like stuff won't change, but I know better now.



Love,
M

Living in truth Part 2!

It took a lot of courage to post about my anorexia, now this is the biggest thing I'm afraid to tell. I probably don't need to post about this, but I need to for my sanity and to give me the courage to speak about it to people I don't know. If I can't tell y'all, how am I going to be able to tell a crowd and to help others? That time is coming soon too, I think (which is exciting!). That and I hate hiding things. After this I will be an open book for the most part. You don't need to know all the details lol. I want to become a speaker against eating disorders and what I'm about to say, because I'm so passionate about not having it happen to others. I honestly don't care if you believe me or judge me and its taken awhile for me to say that. About almost 3 years ago when I started treatment on my eating disorder, I had said some things about my past that my therapist in Austin questioned. She told me I was raped. I didn't believe her for a second and said it was all my fault, that I caused it somehow. Well, when I started treatment here in Georgia, the treatment team that I have now told me the same thing. I finally have accepted it and I can say that I have PTSD from a rape that happened when I was 19. I'm not proud of it, and I'm still ashamed and guilty it happened even though it wasn't my fault in anyway at all. I've been working on it for the past year after being stable with my ED for awhile. I've worked through it for the most part. Now I just need to work on some other things to help me not be so jumpy or scared in certain situations. I thought dealing with anorexia was hard guys, and it is. Don't get me wrong on that. Its tiring, but having to face your deepest and scariest memory over and over and over has been the hardest thing I have had to do so far. I would put it possibly higher than eating. It was that hard. It drained me, it terrified me. I sobbed, shook, screamed, yelled, threw things, burned things (yeah you read that right), tore things up and numbed myself in ways I shouldn't have. I'm on the other side though and I can see the light now. My husband still can't come up behind me to touch me without me knowing without me jumping or gasping. I still get flashbacks and have night terrors when I sleep. Its so much better than what it was, but waking up from screaming is never a fun thing to do y'all. N will still wake me up during the middle of the night because I was shaking so bad.

When I said I am so blessed to have met and married N, its true. I don't know anyone who would have put up with my ED, anxiety, depression and PTSD for this long and be so kind and patient. He's not perfect, but I don't expect him to be. Just like I don't expect myself to be perfect.

Well, now y'all know almost everything about me. Its been challenging to say the least, but I'm doing so much better and I'm not letting this keep me back anymore. I'm moving on and kicking butt!

This month has FLOWN by. I can't believe its almost December....I'm turning 28...noooo! Just kidding, it will be a wonderful year full of great things I'm sure :).

We had such a great month, work is awesome and we went to Disney World and Universal Studios for the first time! It was SO fun! Our first real vacation in two and a half years and man did we need it. With N working so much and me being so busy with work, dr appointments, FRG and other things we don't get to spend a lot of time together so it was nice to just be with each other everyday. Plus it was Disney World, so...you know...Disney.

Disney!

Don't mind the no makeup. I also took a week off of it. You should do it too! My face never felt better haha

We went to Animal Kingdom, Epcot, Magic Kingdom, Hollywood Studios, Island of Adventure and Universal Florida and stopped by Disney Springs for lunch with a family member! 

I also tried new things for the first time in forever while I was on vacation. Scary, but I survived to tell the tale so couldn't have been that bad I guess. It took a lot out of me though, I was so anxious the whole trip and walking so much triggered my overexercising urges again but hopefully I will keep those down to a minimum since I'm home now. Probably won't be trying anything huge like I did for a bit, but baby steps. I'm proud of the huge step I had to do to accomplish what I did there.

Thanksgiving is a few days away, another scary thing. Holidays are wonderful but terrifying for me. They are surrounded by so much food so its very difficult for me to handle. We're hosting Thanksgiving AND Christmas this year so hopefully it will go well and I don't poison anyone haha. N has some of his people are coming over for Thanksgiving dinner and then N's wonderful mother is coming for Christmas! So excited! First family member to come see our new house, which we have owned for exactly ONE year today! We're so awesome ;). Still can't believe we OWN a house and don't just rent it. Adultish, I know. (Love that word) 

Besides all of that, all of our fur babies are doing wonderful, we actually had a photoshoot with the dogs. Which was a blast! Now if we can get ALL the animals together I would be happy and life would be complete :)

                                                    They tried their best to cooperate lol

The kitties are great as well, they love each other which is so relieving. A lot of cats don't get along, but ALL the animals are doing very well together. *happy dance!* 

They love me!

So much has happened I feel like, but this is just a fast update on our lives :). I'm working on another deep blog, which I'm nervous about so I might not post it haha but I'm passionate about it so we'll see. 

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!! Love you all!

M

 I'm beginning to learn who I am, and its kind of exciting and scary. Its scary letting go of ED, but freeing at the same time. So hard to explain! I'm working on trying new foods, working on letting go the anxiety of seeing the numbers on the scale and letting go of the idea of perfectionism. Its extremely hard and exhausting work but if I've come this far so I know I can do it. Its been almost two and a half years since I've relapsed and its been a nightmare, but I wouldn't change one thing because I'm redefining myself and its a wonderful process. It's also seriously strengthened our marriage so much which I love. I did come to the realization that I'm trying to be at my lowest minimum weight while trying to recover at the same time. That's not going to work at all. I realized I need to let go of that number and just be happy with who I am. I have so many rules in my head that I need to change that don't benefit me in any way. Rules that just hinder me and keep me away from the recovered life. Rules such as "I can only eat ____ today, or I can only weight ____, or I can't eat _____ because it has too much fat."  There's other more serious rules that I won't put on here but changing something you believed for so long is hard to do. I want the recovered life so badly, it scares me for wanting it, because its something new and ED is still wanting me to hold on. I have to let go. I want to have an amazing life and ED is ruining it. He's caused so much pain and anguish as well as pretty much destroyed my body over the years. I actually had to have a conversation with my doctor about that the other week and he told me "You need to come to grips that you might never be able to have children because of this." I broke down (which isn't hard for me to do recently haha). I broke down because I did this to myself but I also couldn't help it, I had no idea how to pull myself out until I met my wonderful treatment team that I have now. I have a mental illness, so I can't blame myself. I need to put my trust in God though, that I will have a child one day. I'm shaking writing this because of all the changes that are happening now. I'm stressing so much over it, but I'm also a little excited. This is another step for me to take to recover from this terrible illness. I'm taking that step now and even though its a work in progress, I'm proud of myself for doing it.

Also, y'all. Jenni Schaefer's CD is AMAZING!!! I've constantly played it in my car and its so uplifting. So go buy it now!! All of her songs just blew me away. I can relate so much to them its crazy. I'm so happy someone wrote songs about these struggles. Thank you thank you thank you Jenni and it was wonderful meeting you at the NEDA conference!

Perfectionism. I've been thinking about writing about this for awhile, no idea what I'm going to say but here we go. Perfectionism is exhausting and downright not even close to possible. So why do I strive to do it everyday? That's one thing my doctor and I are venturing on right now. I've been told, literally, by everyone that being perfect is not realistic and no one in the world is perfect. Yet I still seek it. It's annoying and doesn't even make sense as I type it out. Yet, there's this part of me that wants to obtain it, that I'm a complete failure if I mess up and I'm not worthy of anything if I do. I mess up dinner, so I'm not being worthy of my husband's love. I mess up something small at work so I deserved to be fired. I mess up my meal plan and recovery and I cry and don't deserve to be happy. I miss one hang out with a friend and I don't deserve any friendships. I "mess up" and gain weight, I don't deserve to eat for a week. I put " " around mess up because thats what ED is telling me. Not what is actually true. I guess ED can be part of this perfectionism because technically it is, but I'm calling this voice Ms. Perfectionist. Thanks to Jenni Schaefer and how she worded it in her book "Life Without Ed" or something close to it at least. In reality perfectionism isn't obtainable. Everyone is going to make mistakes, thats how God made us. Ms Perfectionist gets into everything in your life, just like ED. She has a say in every ounce of your day. Every move you make she's there critiquing you, telling you what's right or wrong and how bad of a person you are if something doesn't go right. I am so blessed to have the people I do in my life right now because I don't have to be perfect and they're ok with it. It helps tremendously to lower the Ms Perfectionist voice. Even work...I started a new job at a dog daycare/boarding place and it is AMAZING! My boss is so great as well as all of my co workers and I love what I do. I was so stressed out when I first started because I felt like I had to be perfect. I only felt that because it's the rule I made up in my head and I HAD to follow it. Of course I messed up, but both my managers have been so understanding and patient and even have been helping with this nagging voice. It gives me so much anxiety to even think I can't be perfect. So in a weird way, striving can help lower my anxiety which is was ED is all about as well. My mind will literally do anything to lower the amount of anxiety I have. Which is a lot haha. It lowers and raises my anxiety. It lowers it because I'm striving for something that I *think* I can obtain, but when I mess up it raises my anxiety. My doctor says that once I remove the rule that I have to be perfect, I will live a happier life and things will get so much easier in recovery. Is he right? Can I believe him? He hasn't steered me wrong at all before so I need to trust him, but how can I change a rule that I have had in my head my entire life? Little by little....step by step it will get easier. Each day I have to CHOSE to NOT be perfect. I have to CHOSE to not listen to the Ms Perfectionist voice in my head and all the rules she makes in my life. I have to chose and make my own rules, which is way harder than it seems. Its completely possible though and I need to trust my support system as I try and start changing the rules in my life. With a big one being, "Be the best you can be, but don't strive to be perfect. You'll be shooting for something that just goes into nothingness. Be here in the present moment, strive to what makes you happy, not just for something that makes you less anxious." First step, not going back and fixing any mistakes or rewriting what I wrote to make sense.

Hope you enjoyed this mumble jumble!

M <3

Everyone has told me to jump since before last year. "Take the jump and trust your doctors, things will get better. We'll be your safety net." Well, I've jumped....and I feel like I'm just falling and its a terrifying feeling. I've been eating pretty well for the most part (hence the jump part). I've been trusting my doctors consistently but I feel like I'm still lost in the murkiness of my eating disorder. All I want to do my usual ED habits but I know I can't and I'm starting to learn that I shouldn't for my sake, that it isn't healthy. "Its a step in the right direction," they say. Sometimes I just want to scream at them to tell me when this is over. When is my body going to get back to normal and stop having things wrong with it? When am I going to wake up and not hate myself or care what my body looks like, or worry how much I have to eat that day? When am I going to stop counting the calories and marking how many starches, fats, proteins or whatever else I need that day, or even just to see my body the way they see it. I just see fat still, which is frustrating because they keep telling me different. I've been told that its the last to go, but I have to keep eating to nourish my brain so that it can eventually get there. They said it takes awhile, I just wish I knew how long. I want to see the end so I know that it's possible to get there, because right now I don't think I can. I feel like its just a huge circle and that I keep going round and round it. I'm struggling emotionally and mentally, but this time I don't have my ED behaviors to help me cope like usual (which is good!). So its been taking a lot of work and energy to remember my other coping skills that I've learned. Sometimes they don't even work so I have to keep coming up with different ones to see which one does. Its tiring and its SO much easier to slip into the ED habits. Is that right for my body though? No its not. Will it get me to be where I want to be? No. Will it help me to be able to start a family? Not at all. I know these things when I say them out loud or write them down and it seems logical, but its a completely different story when it comes to actually doing it and believing it or even thinking it inside my head. I can come up with every reason why I could say yes to those questions and I usually do answer yes, but now I'm answering "no" out loud. So I know I'm fighting back against ED, but the murkiness is clouding how much progress I've made so I just want to give up because I feel like I haven't made any. I know logically I've made progress though, even though I don't see or feel it at times. I guess I need to keep my mind on that and as I'm falling, I need to trust I'll catch that safety net.

I also can't thank my treatment team and husband enough for having patience with me and helping figure all this out. I'm a hot mess lol.

<3 M

If any of you needs a pick me up, I heard this song not too long ago and I fell in love. It helps on my tough days. Its called Fight Song by Rachel Platten and I listen to it on repeat constantly!