"I need to eat this," I say to myself as I stare at my plate. Something I think every time I take a bite. Something happened when I was pregnant though, ED had gotten more quite. He was always still there, but a little quieter none the less. It was so nice to not always feel so guilty or upset about eating what I was or how much. I even let myself eat food I hadn't eaten in YEARS. I was doing it at first because my first trimester was SO bad. I was getting sick probably about 10 times a day unless I ate something that I was craving. Later on though, I ate it because I craved it and I know logically I was craving it because little E needed it. I did everything I could to keep her safe and healthy, even though I cried almost every night as I looked in the mirror. I didn't gain anywhere near what my dietician wanted me to, but I did gain weight to a number I did not like. I did have a lot harder time when I was really starting to show, but my doctor also didn't weigh me every week like he usually does. That kind of helped, but also had its own struggles because I had no idea. The urge to purge was still there, but I wasn't going to because I wasn't going to take anything away from little E. I actually had a huge urge today and was going to when I went to change little E's diaper, but didn't because I didn't want her to see it. How can I be a good mother and good example if I'm letting ED take over? I would never want my child to do this to her or even himself if we ever have a boy. Yes boys do get ED's too. Just an FYI haha.

Now that little E is here, I'm starting to struggle a lot more. She's not in me anymore, I'm also not breastfeeding anymore because my body just didn't produce enough milk, so whats the point of eating how I was still?  ED has come back full force and is yelling at me everyday. I secretly cry almost every night because I'm scared. I'm scared I'll get back to where I was, even though a part of me does want to get back down to my lowest weight. I'm scared I won't be able to be there for E. I'm scared I'll be put in the hospital again. I'm scared I'll still be staying in the house all of the time because I'm too depressed to leave. I'm scared of my weight going up again and that I won't be able to control it. I'm scared that I have a new baby and I'll "mess her up." I'm scared because N is deploying and I'm going to be a single mom. I have no idea how to do this, let alone by myself. I'm having trouble with the lack of sleep, I'm so tired ALL THE TIME and its just going to get worse when N leaves. I'm so scared I'm going to pass this on to my daughter. How can I beat this? How can I stop ED and live my life the way I want? I've said this so many times, but I wish there was a switch to turn off the voice. There are times I'm happy I still have the comfort and "friend" next to me, but all it does is bring me misery. My family doesn't deserve this, and I'm starting to learn that I don't deserve this, which is a huge step and possibly a light at the end of the tunnel?? Maybe? Hopefully? 

I need all the prayers y'all can give for me the next few months if you can! I've been praying so much, and I know that God is right next to me, holding my hand through this even though it doesn't feel like it at times. 

Thank you to everyone who has also been so supportive the past 2 months. We had friends come over to clean our house and finish the nursery while I was in the hospital. I had so many visitors that brought me things and things that little E needed. I also had a great great friend who stayed the night with me until N got there. Thank you thank you thank you times a million. We have such amazing friends here! You will never know how grateful we are.

Love,

M

Just wanted to show off :)

The first time I saw her, N took his phone in the NICU and we Facetimed :)

Our first family picture <3

It is now July. Happy almost Independence Day!

What have I been up to you may ask? I've been consistently busy! Doctor appointments, baby stuff, keeping up with the house, keeping up with the animals and FRG stuff are all just part of what I do on a daily basis. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrible at keeping up with the house lately. Sometimes days go by with clean laundry on the couch that I need to put up, or I go 3-4 days without sweeping our brand new hard floors. "But you have 4 animals!" Trust me, I know its gross. Honestly, I'm trying to enjoy my time alone while I have it and give myself rest that I desperately need.

Being pregnant is hard, y'all. I'm always so so tired and I'm starting to get pretty uncomfortable. Yay right? Top it off with constantly crying on a daily basis when you look in the mirror when you're alone and hating yourself everyday because you're getting fatter (that was ED, lets go with bigger). Its taken such an emotional toll on me because it's literally my worst nightmare and fear coming true. Now, before y'all say...."but you're pregnant" or "All you're doing is feeding baby" or "You should be happy you got pregnant," I know all of this. I KNOW I'm pregnant because I can feel our little lady kicking inside me everyday. You think that it would make it easier, but it doesn't. I love and am absolutely blessed and happy that I'm pregnant. N and I are having a sweet baby girl. I couldn't be more proud than to be a wife AND mother. Then why do I still get upset? It's because for some reason, when I look at or feel myself I just see fat and the reality of my stomach getting bigger when for YEARS I have done everything to keep myself as skinny as possible. It just doesn't connect that it's baby. Logically I know it is our sweet little girl, but then ED pretty much blurs the rest and makes me so anxious that I can't connect the two. I can in a way, but its very difficult to get there and usually doesn't last long. I haven't given up trying though, which is probably why I'm so tired. I feel like I'm back at square one with my mental state/recovery, so I'm constantly fighting every minute of everyday. I have stopped allowing myself to eat my "bad" foods, but will try some every once in awhile. Which is huge! Just not where I was earlier in pregnancy. I'm keeping up with my food intake though, and our little is doing well, which helps momma through all this mess and confusion.

Vent time:
Y'all, I've have such a great experience...for the most part...with Army doctors. I have a wonderful physician who's helped me more than I could have ever hoped. I've met an army psychiatrist who got me in touch with the best team of doctors I could have ever hoped for in this long difficult journey of recovery. But seriously, what in the world is wrong with the OBs?! I'm considered high risk for obvious reasons, so I am seen on the "10th floor" instead of Family Medicine. Why don't they all go see actual OBs you ask? I have no freaking clue. Anyways, every experience I've had with an OB except ONE appointment has been terrible and I've left in tears. Now I completely understand that they don't have any/much knowledge on eating disorders or how they work and what not to say. Come on though, telling me "You don't look pregnant, just a little fat" is ridiculous and should never be told to ANYONE no matter the mental state. They have clearly told me (okay, one nurse has) that they have no idea how to handle my case. After that, you would think one would be referred off post to someone who is better applicable, but no. They don't. To top it off, I have no idea who will be delivering our baby. And if its one particular doctor that I will not name, I will go insane. I will do everything I can to kick him out of my room. That is how terrible this doctor is. I could go on and on, but I'll just leave it at this before certain words come out of my mouth haha.

Near death experience:
As I was driving to Mass in Aiken for their first Friday Latin Mass, I stopped somewhere in SC to get something to eat because I wasn't able to eat lunch before I had to leave. After I got some food, I proceeded to merge on the highway...or tried to. There was a space between a car and an 18-wheeler, so I put on my turn signal to get over because the road was starting to run out. Turns out the semi truck didn't want me to go in front of him....even though there was no other option than to completely stop on the merge lane to let him pass and have a car hit me from behind and possibly cause multiple accidents. He started to speed up, but I had no more road so I had to get over. I then got in his lane, he decided to blow his horn non stop and tail the crap out of me, then proceeded to get into the next lane and try and push me off the road. Now, I don't know if he was trying to push me off or just scare the crap out of me...but he was halfway in my lane multiple times blowing his horn. I was forced out of the road to the point where just my left front and rear tire were in the actual lane. I tried to slow down so he could pass, and to get his license plate number (muhahaha) but he kept matching my speed to keep me next to him. I was luckily able to speed up and get out of there though. All while he was blowing his horn. Good day to you Mr truck driver. Hope to never have to go through that again.

Besides all this, we are slowly getting baby's room together which is making things feel so real! I'm so blessed to have so many people already hand make gifts for her. She is going to be so spoiled.

Our next adventure is Oregon. N is leaving this week and I will be following a week after. I couldn't leave my fur babies for 2 whole weeks. Also no doctor appointments in 3 weeks would be rough haha. This is N's longest leave he's taken since before we moved here. He's pretty happy and I'm excited to spend some quality time with him and his family :)


-M

Well y'all. N and I are expecting a baby in October! I truly never thought I'd say I'd be pregnant after everything I've done to my body over the years with my eating disorder, but we were blessed with the news of a little one in February.

On February 9, right after my weekly therapy appointment I was driving home and had the sudden urge to take a pregnancy test. No idea why, it just came in my head. I had one at home so I did it for giggles. Well, turned out to be positive. I was shocked but my heart was SO overjoyed! I didn't believe it at first so I texted a couple of friends and asked them if what I was seeing was real and I was told to go out to get a digital test. So I did, turned out to be positive too! Then I took another one the next morning to be sure and it said I was pregnant! I called my doctor on Wednesday after the 3rd test and got an appointment for later that day for a test at the hospital. The urine test they did came back negative. I almost broke down, but my doctor came in and said he was doing a blood test as well so to just go home and relax until I heard from him. About an hour after I left the hospital he called and sounded so sad and my heart started to break again, and then said "Well, I don't know why the urine test came back negative, because you're definitely pregnant!" I literally screamed "WHAT?!" into the phone in his ear. It was great haha he laughed. I was so overjoyed and was so excited to tell N that we were for sure pregnant!

Then things changed, we had talked for a minute after he gave me the news, and I guess he could hear the strain in my voice when it finally hit me that I had to do what has terrified me since I was 9. Gain a significant amount of weight after my "healthy weight." He calmed me down some, and really said some thoughtful and very meaningful words. One being, "I know you're going to be such a great mom even though you might not see it right now." Its a fear, that I have only told N, a select few friends and my doctors about. I am so scared I'll screw up my child. I'm so scared he/she will inherit my eating disorder, my insecurities, my anxiety and depression. I know for a fact though that I will do everything in my power to not let that happen, and that I've learned so much to know how to help if something does happen, but it still scares me. Because you know, anxiety :P.

It also hit me that I'll be a single parent for 9 months soon after our little joy is here. I have absolutely no idea how to be a mom. Let alone, how to be a supportive wife during deployment, dealing with my fears and anxieties while staying healthy and keeping a brave face for everyone, being an FRG leader and knowing NOTHING how to do it during a deployment and being strong for those spouses when in fact I'm terrified as well. This will be our first deployment since we've been married. I've been through a couple, one with an ex and one with N when we were just dating. Both were extremely difficult, but I didn't have to live with them when they got back. I was able to get back in the flow of things whenever they were home slowly, but now I'm married and this time it won't happen slowly haha. I have to learn to live by myself, learn to raise a child by myself, learn to teach our little one about how brave and wonderful their daddy is, learn to deal with the house by myself, and learn how to deal with my continuing nightmares without N waking me up in the middle of the night to stop them. I'm sure I will get everything down, but then N will be home and then things will change again and then I'll have to relearn everything! Have I ever mentioned I hate change?? Cause I do! Change is good though, especially the coming home part :). I'm just overwhelmed by becoming a mother, seeing and feeling my body change drastically, and then having to say goodbye or "see you later" to my best friend.

I know its selfish not wanting to gain the weight that I have to, but I also know its my ED thoughts. My healthy thoughts are the one that wants to start a family, that wants our little one to grow big and strong. Its my healthy thoughts that will do everything to keep our child happy, healthy and safe AND to keep ME happy, healthy and safe. Its just amazing on how well I was doing, and now I feel like I'm starting over. Okay, not REALLY starting over, because I haven't done any behaviors, but ED is for sure back to yelling at me all day everyday. I didn't realize until the past few weeks but he was quieter for a bit. That or I was just learning to tune him out. Well, its a lot harder now. Especially when your OBs make comments about your weight that is neither right or appropriate. I have an amazing team of doctors though (minus the OBs :P), great friends AND great coping skills to get me through this AND I'll have my Jenni Schaefer books to help keep me company while I keep pushing myself :). Will it be a hard pregnancy? Probably, and here I am thinking I was ready for this :P. I am though, and I know I am, but my fears tend to get stuck in my head and don't go anywhere! Can you say annoying!? I have to keep doing what I've been doing, and enjoy (no matter how hard it is) everyday of this pregnancy, because who knows if this is the only time I'll carry a blessing? I hope not, but you never know. We are very lucky for this one, that's for sure. And its not like my doctors tell me this every time I see them haha. Thanks guys.

I have come so far since even 3 years ago. 3 years ago, only a couple of days off, is when I weighed myself for the first time in years at NASA and completely changed and relapsed. Who would have thought I would be pregnant by now? Who would of thought I'd be eating "bad" foods because I WANT them. NOT ME Y'ALL! And to be clear, there is no such thing as "bad" or "good" food. I read recently about "always" and "sometimes" food. I like that a lot better, and will teach my child just that. Its amazing how things change, when you feel like they never would. I have to admit there are times I still feel like stuff won't change, but I know better now.



Love,
M