Distraction

 Distraction. I'm a pro at it. 

Is distraction a good or bad thing? What are you thoughts? Write them below! I'd love to know what other people think.

I think too much of anything isn't good...in my opinion. I'm a pro at distraction, because I don't want to feel anything. My brain gets so overwhelmed. Feelings scare me and are too much to bare that I rather just avoid everything all together. Whether it be scrolling through my phone, pulling my eyelashes and eyebrows, cleaning or doing something else. I've had a lot of feelings recently. Too much for me to handle, so I've stuffed them down. Way....WAY down. Part of me just doesn't want to deal with it because I just don't have the energy or mental capacity to figure things out or even to just to process things. I also feel that I feel too deeply. That my emotions and feelings are so strong (more than a typical person) that they scare me, because I have no idea what to do with them. Is it that, or is it because I just hold everything in for so long that it builds? That's a question to ask you therapist folks haha. I have no idea, I've had one therapist tell me it probably is that I keep it down, but it could also be the fact that I do feel extreme things, but was never allowed to "feel or show" them. Who knows?! 

A big side of being so good at distraction, you avoid things so much that they build up to a point where you don't even know what you're avoiding. You can feel it festering inside though and it causes my anxiety to spiral uncontrollably, but when I try and really think about and process why I'm feeling the way I am....my brain just shuts down. It's like, "not today my friend, lets go do something else that's more productive." Or, "you can't handle this right now, do everything else so it seems like you have your sh*t together." "If I act like I can't handle things, or seem like I'm relapsing or even just overwhelmed. I failed, and people think I'm weak or can't do anything."  -- Dang brain.

I think right now I'm trying to find a purpose, because I just don't feel like I have one. I have my purpose to keep my kids happy and healthy and love my husband, which is important. But for some reason I feel empty...not because I don't want to be a wife and a mom, but for some strange reason I just need something else. There's times where I wish I knew what I was good at. I'm 34 and I have no idea what I'm good at or why I am here. I know what I love; I love working with animals and helping them, I love acting and theater, and I love advocating and speaking about eating disorders. Am I actually good at that though? And how is it even possible to pursue those things when my husband is in the military with us moving constantly and having 2 young kids, one being special needs. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, this is just one way I get things out that I just haven't dealt with or don't want to. Most of this I think I just need radical acceptance, but MAN do I hate that. I literally cringe when I hear it or "go with the flow.' UGH NO THANK YOU! I think the most frustrating part is feeling like you have to start over whenever you move. Whether it be with therapists, doctors, finding new friends or even to do something I love. Maybe that should be my New Years resolution?😅

New Years resolutions are hard for me, because I never feel good enough to do them or that I can't do it right. Makes sense right? I know I need to do something for myself this year, but I'm scared of starting new things, because its probably just not going to work out. I will either fail or have to quit it because we have to move, or money constraints or it won't be perfect or something else, and that hurts me deeply. You can kinda see my perfectionist side here too haha. Huge reason why I stink at updating my blog because I always get in my head of "people don't really care or want to read that." Things need to change though, I need to change.

The others I have come up with are to be more open, mainly to N...about what I need, what I feel and how things make me feel. Also to be more assertive to things that I would like rather then just do whatever.

Anyone have any New Year Resolutions? Obviously this blog will be one again...but we shall see haha!😂

<3 M

The reality of PCSing

I always do this, tell myself I'm going to be awesome and bada** at posting and then LIFE! We officially have PCS'd (permanent change of station) from Alabama to Washington State. 

Lord have mercy, y'all....2 cars, 2 kids (one with sensory needs), 4 animals (2 of which have extreme car anxiety) and LOTS of miles. It is over though! We've been here for a month, and let me tell you...this PCS was an adventure.

We saw my family and some friends in Texas for a week! It has been awhile since we had been back, so it was just great to see everyone and prep for our long journey. It took 2 days to get there from Alabama, but wasn't too bad compared to our like 10 day trip haha. After we left Austin area, we headed to El Paso to see my grandmother and uncle, turns out one of our dogs was so stressed she kept holding in her poop (at least most of it) so we had to take her to the vet on our way into El Paso, after stopping in mid west Texas, to make sure she was alright. That morning E woke up sick, so instead of seeing my nana and uncle, I had to do the old covid distance visit which broke me. I hated not being able to hug them and it had been years since I've been able to see them. Luckily Emma just had a cold, which we knew but since both were high risk I could not let anything happen just in case. So instead of staying the night, we visited them and waited outside the vet for Zoey to get done and then proceeded to our next destination which was a total of 10 hours or more?? We tried to keep it from 4-5 hours for the animals and kids sooooo it was definitely a lot more 😂😭

We drove to see the Grand Canyon on our trip out west, which was a huge bucket list item for me! Pictures do not do this place justice you guys...it is breathtaking! I wish we could have hiked down and explored, but we were only really able to be there for 30 minutes because of the trip back to the hotel and the kids. If you get a chance, definitely go see this beautiful place! We actually did two bucket list items...pictures are down below :)

After a few more stops..,and seeing Nick's family on our way through Oregon, we made it to our...what little E calls our "Blue house." We purchased the house a few months ago from another military family...and this is just going to be another blog post haha. I can't right now, I've already lived it...I don't want to go through it again just yet! They definitely did not clean their house for a few months...so lets just leave it at that for now lol.

Now that things have settled...the reality of finding a new doctor/therapist is creeping in. The worst part of being part of the military life that is the hardest for me....starting over. Learning to trust someone new, having to go through my whole life piece by piece again (the darkest bits) to catch up the new therapist. I've been avoiding it, because honestly I just don't want to do it again. It's draining and I don't trust people very well. Having to push myself to actually call to make an appointment, having to actually go to the appointment, get out of my car and force myself to walk in, having to see if we "mesh well" and if we don't then needing to have to start the process over to find someone new depletes any extra energy that I have that I don't give to the kids. So how else am I going to get the energy to do this? How am I going to find the will to want to get up and start over again? How am I going to just start googling, or looking at my resources for a new therapist? How am I going to get the nerve up to call someone to set up an initial appointment?

I have absolutely no idea, but it needs to happen. It needs to happen, because I'm not my eating disorder. I'm not going to allow it to take over my life and take me away from my husband and kids. I WILL NOT let my kids see the worst side of my ED. I will let them know about it, and I will let them see parts because its the reality, but to the point of death? I just can't let that happen anymore. So I will gain the determination from their smiles. I will be brave and make that first step, that first search, that first call from their hugs and kisses. I will do what it takes to get me to the next step in recovery because I deserve it....and my family does. It's been about 2 months or more (mind is dead lol) since my last therapy session and I've done surprisingly well considering all that has happened, but I know I need to get back on track. I want to get back to helping myself and proving that I can do this. I want to be able to continue speaking my story and showing people what they can overcome because I've done it. I want to be the healthiest person I can be mentally and physically so I can do all that I want and all that my family wants.

So lets start next week ;) 

TOTALLY kidding. Tomorrow I'm making a promise to myself and to you...that I'm going to start looking. I'm going to take that first step, and no matter how anxious or out of control I feel....I will keep up my meal plan, I will not let the urge to purge or self harm overtake me. I deserve recovery and being fully recovered, and remember you do too! 

Let me know how you're helping yourself this weekend! How are you moving one step closer to your goal??

<3

M

Pants

 

Look at these pants. They wouldn't be anyone's downfall, but they were for me a few weeks ago. I did not realize I had not worn these pants in about 3 years, until I put them on and had a full out meltdown. Sure they still fit, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was they fit SO differently than what I remember. I've been doing well...ups and downs like anyone in recovery, but man. When I put these on, so many urges came flooding back ALL day. I wanted to over work out, I wanted to purge, I wanted to restrict, I was having suicidal ideations. ALL OVER PANTS. Y'all....what in the world. I cried all day off and on. I pulled myself into a shell again and was irritable and quiet. Even N noticed something and when I told him he understood. He's pretty amazing that way. I can realistically can look at it and think it's so stupid, but at the same time it's not. It was real for me and caused me so much anxiety and if I'm being honest (which is the whole point of this blog) I'm still extremely anxious and struggling about it. I can't seem to be okay with my body now. I was at a point where I didn't HATE my body because of the two babies I had. Now it's hard to stop the self hate talk and negative emotions. Before I was able to redirect my thoughts or think of something positive (like the kiddos), but now it's hard and I just don't want to work at it. Why? Probably because I've been doing this for over half my damn life. I'm tired, and there are times that I just don't want to anymore. I don't want to have to constantly fight myself. It's hard fighting your brain and your thoughts when they aren't healthy, because what is real? I see myself completely different than what other people do, then what the scale says, then what medical professionals say. How can I fight what I see and feel? I've been doing it so much, especially the last 8 years. 

I need to keep doing it though. I need to keep fighting, because I can't let ED win. I can't let my kids see me fail, or see me struggle and give up. I need to be there for them, and I need to be there for my husband...even our fur babies because goodness are they spoiled! I need to do this for myself too, even though I don't want to, because I deserve recovery. We all do! I've put so much time and effort into recovery that it would just be like slapping me in the face 8 years ago, when I didn't think I'd be where I am today. I dreamed of a day where I didn't cry at every meal, hell...even just having a mint like I did at the hospital once 😳. I've come so far, and at times when things start spiraling downward, it's hard to see how far you have come. Am I still tired? YES! Am I going to give up? No, but that doesn't mean I will be perfect and not struggle. I need to give myself grace, because like it or not, it's how my brain works and it's what I've done for way over half my life. Of course it's going to be the easiest thing for me, but at least now I'm actually fighting my thoughts and not just listening to ED right away. I promise you will get there too! <3

In other news, we're moving to Washington State! Lord help this Texan/southern girl. I HATE the cold as you can see by my face in the picture below. 😂 

Believe in yourself, because I do. Keep fighting friends!

<3 M

Self-Care

Maybe it's my word of the year? Who knows, but I'm tired. I thought I was busy with Emma and to be fair with how many appointments we had and therapy we had to do at home, I was! Having two kiddos though changes everything. I've realized over this past year, especially this past PCS to Alabama, how important self-care really is. You hear it a lot in recovery and you hear it a lot in motherhood, but I always thought I was just being lazy or that I really didn't need it...because "why would I spend time on myself? I don't deserve it and I could be more productive with that time by cleaning or doing something else for the animals, E and N, or the house." I didn't do a lot of self care the past few years, and it's shown. I'm exhausted, and honestly stuck in recovery. I don't feel like taking time out of my day to work on myself and to further recovery. I don't feel like unwinding what is all messed up in me. Every time I feel like I untangle one problem, I find 10 more things, its exhausting and makes me feel like, "what's the point if things keep popping up?" I didn't even have the energy to blog, which I love! I always thought that my self care was "focus on recovery, figure out the problems you have and work on them." It is self care, but doing something for yourself just to have fun is also extremely important. I never really understood that until now. Do I feel guilty about not working on my recovery and my problems all the time? Sure, but I've also realized that it's ok. You can burn out, and if you do burn out, it's okay to take a step back. While we were in Tampa, N was gone constantly. We also didn't have a yard for the dogs to go crazy in, and E was still having 3 therapies a week, multiple times a week on top of her other 4 specialists. I never really took care of myself there, I let my social anxiety get the best of me. I let my depression get the best of me and I didn't take time for myself when I really should have. It really didn't all hit until we moved to Alabama and after having baby L. When I made the effort to voice what I needed and the alone time I needed out of the house, things changed...I began realizing how tired mentally and physically I was. I always thought I could handle things...that I SHOULD handle things without breaks, but after taking time to myself I realized how much energy I had after just a few hours to do what I wanted. I was so much happier when I got home, I was able to deal with the major sass of my daughter and the constant holding of baby L and all of the animals needing my undying attention or at least being near me touching me somehow. I also found that I have more energy and want to actually start working on myself again. Moving and changing therapists doesn't help with wanting to keep working on things, but the self care part gives me new perspective and the energy to really dig deep. It gives me the energy to keep fighting those thoughts in my head, to stop restricting, to not cut or purge and the energy to fight the negative thoughts of, "I'm lazy, fat and I could be better." It also gives me the energy to be a better wife and mom. It gives me the energy and clarity to blog again, and it gives me the energy to do photography! 

So I challenge you, do something 3 times a week for just yourself. Make it fun!

<3 M

Oops!

Fun story, I was SO ready to blog every month...until I got pregnant! lol! That's right guys, we had a SECOND baby! Welcome to the world baby L!

This pregnancy was very difficult, my body just basically hates being pregnant. One of my OB's (I saw many lol) told me she felt so sorry for me every time I saw her. Which I responded with, "Thanks, now take the pain away." I had a thing going on called Prodromal labor, its labor contractions without the changing of the cervix. I started having real contractions at 19 weeks, and then they became every 2-4 minutes multiple times a day starting at 23 weeks. It was absolutely horrible having to feel labor contractions, but not being able to do anything about it. I was literally told, "Come in when you feel anything change, and make sure you get here on time because since this has been happening a lot your cervix will change extremely fast." Great, thanks for that advice! I think I ended up in the hospital 17 times before he officially came? Luckily my water broke, so I KNEW it was time to go! For anyone going through prodromal labor, I am so so sorry. Just think of the cute bundle of joy and it will get you through it! He ended up being born at 35 weeks and 5 days and was in the NICU for a few days due to some stuff, but he is a perfectly happy and healthy baby now! He also came in at 7lbs 2oz LOL ouch. 

Besides having a baby, we moved to a new state. So throw in anxiety, postpartum depression and an eating disorder we have a wonderful mix for a relapse. Have I relapsed? No, thank goodness. I am struggling though...more than I like to admit. My suicidal ideations have come back full force, which I will do NOTHING about, but I finally understand why my old therapist said that they were "escapes" for me. I believe when I think of the ideations, I get a moment away from the anxiety and depression, because I have an "escape." Is it right? NOPE, but I also realize that this is how my brain works under huge changes and amounts of stress. I'm more shaken that it has come back this strong than anything, but confident and at peace knowing nothing will come of it. I also know I've been in worse shape and have come through with unimaginable strength before. 

E is loving being a big sister more than anything! She does get jealous, but never gets mad at baby L so it helps! She's been more understanding than I could have ever asked for and I love watching her love him! Of course, he loves her right back, pretty sure his first smile was at her.

                                                 Look at them! Ugh, my heart!

We were also so blessed with being able to baptize baby L, right as we were moving! On our way to Alabama from Florida, we stopped in Augusta to stay with and see some of my favorite people. The priest that grew to mean so much to me, lives in Aiken (not far from Augusta) and baptized E and was able to baptize little L too! It was so special to us.

That's pretty much a fast update, I've already started on another blog so hopefully things won't go too crazy again where I can update like I promised at the beginning of 2020. 

Damn 2020...am I right?!

<3 M

Let's start out 2020 on a good note ;)

It's been about a year since I posted a blog post. Whew, what a year it has been. I'm sure so many people, or pretty much all of us can say the same thing. Hello 2020! I think you're going to kick my butt, so all I can say is bring it!

One of my New Year's Resolutions is to write a blog once a month, more if I can! Let's not push it though...I have a 3 year old, a baby on the way, my husband leaves a lot and we're going to PCS again, so let's stick to one a month ;).

Since it's been awhile, I'm going to reintroduce myself.

My name is Megan. I'm a 32 year old stay at home mommy to a crazy, stubborn, but happy 3 year old little girl. I married my handsome man, who happens to be in the army, over 6 years ago. I'm originally from Texas (the best state, duh) and moved soon after N and I got married. We moved to Augusta, GA and lived there for about 4 and a half years and then moved to Tampa, FL where we currently reside. I'm not a professional writer, and I honestly just blog for myself and hope that it will reach someone it needs to and that my writing will hopefully help at least one person. I have had a lot happen in my past, some that I have wrote about in my past blogs. I will catch you up real quick!

Around 9, I developed an eating disorder. It was later that it was defined as anorexia nervosa, because I was pretty good at keeping things quiet. I had bulimic tendencies as well.  I have suffered from depression, anxiety, self harm and suicidal ideations for the majority of my life, it comes with the ED territory ;) When I was 16, I was the worst I had ever been and was told I was not going to make it through the night while I was in the ER waiting to be placed in an eating disorder (ED) unit. I didn't believe them and thank God I did actually make it. I suffered a lot through that year and everything was kind of a blur, but I managed to get "a hold" of ED, up until a little in college. The second worst relapse I had was when my husband and I got married. It was shortly before, but once we got married things quickly went downhill and I was in and out of the hospital the first year of our marriage while we were in GA. It turns out I was struggling a lot not just because of ED, but because I had PTSD from a rape that occurred when I was about 19. This happened a lot, I don't delve into a lot, because it's still very uncomfortable to me. I didn't know it happened, only because he made me believe it was my fault and that I "asked for it," even when I fought him and said no. He made sure my self esteem (which was little anyways) was shot. I grew up knowing that sex was an important act and should be shared with someone you are married to and love. So when it happened, it messed me up a lot. It's something I still struggle with, but am still working on. Big props to the hubby for sticking with me through it! After a few hospitalizations in GA, I was sent to UNC Chapel Hill to their ED unit. I hated it, but it was the consistency I needed for a longer period of time to get me back on my feet. Since I've been in strong recovery, I have made it my mission to help others. I love to speak about the importance of knowledge and dangers of eating disorders. I have lived through this nightmare a long time and if I can help one person, even just give them hope, what I have done is worth it.

I'm also a momma! We recently found out we are pregnant again, which is terrifying and exciting! We're expecting a baby boy in June of 2020. My daughter, who is known as E on here, is 3 years old and was born at 33 weeks, while she was not breathing when she came out, she has shown us to be quite the fighter and nothing has stopped her since. We've had a struggle with her development since about 4 months old. She started PT and OT about that time and we added ST at a year and she's been in them since. She did stop PT this last January because E started walking! We're about to start it back up though, but hopefully it won't be as much! Adding in neurology, pediatric developmental pediatrician, a pediatric psychology (still waiting on this one) and a genetics specialist, we have quite the schedule! Not to mention she goes to school 3 days a week, which has been such a blessing!  She's come such a far way though, and proves to be just as stubborn as always. It's hard to see how far she's come with I'm with her all the time, but she's blowing everyones minds right now at how well she is doing. It's also frustrating with no diagnosis minus global developmental delay, which doesn't really say much haha. Aside from that, she still our happy girl! (most of the time, I mean she's 3 lol tantrums galore over here).

Last, but definitely not least, I'm married to a soldier, who I call N on the blog. While it's not really something I brag about, being a military wife is tough. Moving, tricare, not being near family or close friends, having to make new friends (which is SUPER HARD when you have anxiety like I do haha!), tricare, moving, not knowing where you're going next, tricare, getting set up in a new place, deployments, tricare, husband TDY all the time, did I mention tricare? haha. I am so proud of N, but there are times I just wish I could move back to GA and be with my best friends and a place that we called home for so long. I also can't believe I just said I'd move to GA over Texas haha. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!

I'm excited you came to find my blog and look forward to getting to know some of you guys as well! My goal is to update monthly, so keep an eye out!

Also, as stated on my previous blogs, I struggle with perfectionism so  I never go back and reread my blogs to fix errors. I just write and post, so enjoy that and hope all you grammar people don't kill me ;).

Till next time!

<3 M

It's time...

I've been closed off talking about my suicidal ideations, I'm embarrassed and I'm not really quite sure what to say, but it needs to be talked about.

 I tried to commit suicide once, we were in Augusta and I stole the key off of Nick's key chain to the gun box. He went to work the next day, while I worked on letters and then sat in our blue office holding a gun up to my head. I was pulling the trigger as my old therapist in Austin called me. I answered, because it's rude not to and I try to not be rude haha 😏. I remember being in the mindset like it was yesterday, the dark dark place where I didn't think I could pull myself out of. I had given up, I was tired of feeling that pain, tired of fighting my thoughts, tired of just living with myself and the baggage I had. I wanted it to all go away, and honestly I thought was just a burden to everyone, especially Nick. He would have been happier without me, he could find someone better than me. I didn't want him to think he had to stay in the warped world I felt like I was in. I felt like no one wanted me around and that I wasn't that important to anyone. I was wrong.

I think back to that time and those memories rush through my mind. I'm so glad I never fully pulled that trigger. Surprisingly enough, when I was hospitalized right after that, there was a man that came into the geriatric psych ward where I was at. His mouth was wired shut, but seemed completely normal and happy. The geriatric psych ward was attached to the adult psych ward, just had a door in between. I would go to groups on the adult side when they had them during the day and the man came to one group and sat next to me. He smiled at me everyday and waved and I did the same. I forgot what we were talking about in group, but I brought up my suicidal thoughts and what had put me in the hospital this time. He turned to me and as much as he could talk and said, "I'm so glad you didn't." He then pointed to his face and said he shot himself in an attempt to commit suicide. He told me that if he would had known what it would have done to his family he wouldn't have done it. They had no idea, and their reactions tore him apart more than what his thoughts did. He told me that even when I feel like I'm at my lowest point, someone out there wants you around. He then said, "I'm glad my life didn't end, and I'm glad yours didn't either." I've carried this conversation around with me since it happened. I'm glad I met that man and am still taken aback about what he said, he changed me though. I can finally say at this point, I don't want my life to end. Times can get hard, I still feel like a burden sometimes and I feel worthless. I'm not though, and I'm learning to just sit with those thoughts and feelings and fighting them, which I was not able to do before. Yay therapy, did I actually learn something after all this time?! 😂

Recently, I had a friend tell me about a situation in her life that is related to suicide. It's really made me start thinking of my past and how I empathize with those that struggle with suicidal thoughts. I know how they feel, and I get it. People say it's selfish, which it is, BUT you are in a mindset that you think you're doing the best thing for others. I'm realizing that after talking to my friend, that I completely missed how hard this must have been for N. I can see this person struggling and not understanding and it breaks my heart. If I could go back, I would want to tell N how hard I was trying, that I didn't want to give up, but I didn't know what else to do. I wanted him to be happy, and I knew I was not making him happy at that time. I was lost and no other way to escape, but that I'm so sorry that I put him through that and that I love him so much for sticking with me. I'm sure others feel this way too. I want families who have a loved one struggling, to know that this does end. That others are out there that are going through the same thing. Reach out for help, it's okay to ask for it. Talking with other people in the same situation will help you get through this. I want for people who do have suicidal ideations to know the same thing. You are loved even if you don't feel like it. You're strong and you've made it this far. Reach out for help, it's not a sign of weakness. I know it's scary opening up about these thoughts and why you have them, but once you do, you start to heal. Healing is hard, but so very worth it. To both sides, it does get better. The thoughts will fade and even if they jump up every once in awhile, they will past as fast as they come. Don't ever give up.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255. Call 24/7.


<3 M